A dream. Some little steps. A case for anger and sadness.

I have been confused for a long time about my emotions. I know I am talented. Some would say extraordinarily so. But I have always been trying to understand what are the best uses of it. I am trained as an engineer. I have developed software, led cross functional teams, I can create art, I can do science, I can reason and argue. I have experienced love and compassion. I have patience. I have faith. I believe that universe is intelligent and we are yet to understand many of its secrets.

But all of these skills do not matter when it comes to emotions. And however much we rationalise and justify our actions, it is our passions, dispositions, our goals in life which keep us moving. And these latter are the matters of heart. For me heart has always taken priority over intellect and reason. Intellect and reasons are tools which take us from point A to point B. We have no control over point A but we do decide on point B depending on our tendencies, abilities and dispositions.

Now, talking about confusion. I did not know whether to be happy because I have achieved certain goals or be hopeful that so much can be achieved. But I am coming to the conclusion that I am very sad and I am very angry.

The reason for this became plain to me recently - As long as there is a single suffering soul in the world, there cannot be true and lasting happiness.

Do you really not feel sad, helpless and angry when the attack on Ukraine just continues and there is daily loss of life and property. All militaries are brain washed machines, designed to follow rules like an automata without any personal say or argument. And this is done in the name of freedom, in the name of humanity, in the name of justice. There is no justice in war. There is no just war. It can only be necessary or unnecessary.

Do you really not feel sad, helpless and angry when you see news and journalism has become so commodified that the goals, achievements and lifestyles of the top 1% of the people are projected as standards of living for the rest of us. When you know that 50% of the population (in India) lives in villages where such goals and standards are impossible to achieve. And I continue wondering whom to look forward to - those who put food on my plate or those who charge me for a phone call?

Do you not feel sad, helpless and angry when you see that most of the workforce (90%) of our country is in unorganised sector - doing mundane jobs, fighting for survival each day, disciplined and regimented in their daily lives. What will these people teach their children, what will their aspirations be and what are those aspirations worth? Yes there are occasional genius coming out from the midst of them but does that suffice. But what happens to the Nehru's dream of an army of engineers, army of doctors and nurses and army of teachers.

I even feel sad looking at some officer in bank holding onto a desk job. To do the same thing day after day like a machine which given a certain input gives a certain output. Is this the destiny of human kind and we send our children to schools and colleges to learn this, to become another brick in the wall?

I am angry and sad that we have not given up the colonial mindset that we are still governed and indeed we ourselves have internalised this mindset of divide and rule. To divide problems in chunks, allocate resources accordingly, set timelines and hope it all works like a well oiled machine. Was this the goal of our freedom struggle, was this the teaching of our great epics? Where is innovation, where is creativity, where is freedom to err? Where is the capacity and ability to integrate, to unite, to see things holistically? And most importantly the ability to decide what is important.

What troubled me most when I graduated out of college and was working as an engineer is that people, smart and intelligent people, are innovating for wrong reasons. For easy money rather than for what is really important. Solving problem of the top 10% or may be 20%, I know in India that means huge numbers and can lead to easy money and huge profits, but is this all we are worth? Is this our mettle? I know about trickle down economy and domino effect but aren't those placebos we give ourselves to remain comfortably numb?

I have dreamt a dream -

1. No boundaries or borders.

2. No unnatural death.

3. No poverty.

4. No preventable diseases.

5. Every street a painting, every sound a note of music and every home a work of art.

I have also identified the means to achieve this dream - its "Intelligence is in cooperation". Cooperation is another word for yoga. This is also a variation of strength is in unity. But this is not petty 'Us vs Them' but "Us" in the broadest sense - the whole of humanity - the whole set of people who can empathise, who can think, who can reason, who can act, who can take responsibility.

I am angry and sad and know will remain so until there is a single suffering soul in the world. So don't be fooled by the person in the display picture. It's what I do to maintain appearances before children.

Finally, a proposition disguised as questions - Can we not come together? Can we not give love one more chance? Can we not pull each other up and give courage and take the next little step?