The Drama Triangle

When we work with bamboo clients we refer to a variety of leadership theories and models to bring how we do things to life. One of the biggest ‘aha moments’ we get with clients is when we share Stephen Karpman’s Drama Triangle with them. This is actually a psychology model used frequently by therapists in relationship counselling but without fail we introduce it to every client, whether it is in developing a stronger team at the top table or if it is with a group of managers in leadership development sessions.

The model helps people to realise that they are responsible for their own lives and happiness. That whatever they are currently blaming on others, they might (and usually are) responsible for causing. As the image shows, the triangle contains three roles which we may play when we are not coming from our adult ego state (this is another model known as Transactional Analysis but I won’t overload on theory here, one for another day!). In a nutshell, as we grow up, we learn to relate to other people through one of the three roles which are Rescuer or Hero, Villain or Persecutor and Victim. We tend to have a favourite starting position which we can adopt as our default life-position and from this position we then attract people who play complementary roles.

When I first got introduced to it, I had a huge aha moment in the same way as my clients do. I am a classic Rescuer, probably because I grew up in a family of Victims (the fundamental reason why I am estranged from them) and I get my feelings of self-worth from helping others and, if I am honest, that used to be largely driven from wanting praise or recognition from others. Now that is something I have healed through spending several thousands of hours on self-development and therapy and I know that I don’t need the validation from others to be ‘ok’ in the world!

Anyway, back to the triangle. From the position of a Rescuer I tend to attract Victims because they love to be rescued! On the outside it looks as though Rescuers are the best position to be on the triangle but this isn’t true – the drama triangle keeps us in this state of dependency and doesn’t encourage people to be empowered to actually make their own decisions or stand on their own two feet. All of the roles on the triangle are fundamentally masks that we wear to cover up our inherent feeling of ‘not enoughness’ and that we are all victims in our own way.

The solution is not to move to a different position on the triangle but to move off it altogether.

There is an imbalance of power when we are on the drama triangle and that is because deep down the Rescuer believes they know better than the Victim and doesn’t believe they are able to do things for themselves. They aren’t treating them like an adult. They believe they are ‘above’ them, which is sometimes referred to as the ‘one-up’ position.

At its very core, the Rescuer is trying to feel good about themselves by stepping in and ‘helping’ others. They inherently believe they are better, or know more than, the Victim. Like I said about myself, they tend to crave praise for all of the good things they have done so that they can feel good about themselves (I call this an ‘atta-girl’ moment). But what happens more often than not is that the atta-girl doesn’t come in the way the Rescuer hoped, they end up feeling overwhelmed with all of the work they have on because they are doing everything for everyone and then eventually a switch occurs and the Rescuer moves into playing the role of the Victim. Woe is me. Nobody appreciates what I do. If it wasn’t for me nothing would get done. Sound familiar?

The thing with this model is that old habits die hard and you (we, I) tend to repeat old patterns. We end up feeling the same old feelings of frustration, hurt, anger, disappointment. The Villain might be one of those people in the office who never see the positive in anything or they are quick to point out the one thing you haven’t done rather than praise you for the several things you have completed. The Villain loves to look for others to blame and is likely to see the Victim as useless - in the way parent might chastise a child for not being able to do something quickly enough.

Both the Rescuer and the Villain are in that ‘one-up’ position because they see themselves as more superior to the Victim and get their sense of purpose or feelings of ‘okayness’ by keeping the Victim in their place. The Villain can also quickly switch to the role of the Victim – feelings of ‘poor little me’ when people resist or complain about their actions. The Victim is often driven from feelings of fear – fear of what might happen if they are ‘found out’ or if they get things wrong.

To wrap this subject up, in summary we all have a favourite starting position on the triangle but we are all capable of switching between the roles on a daily or even momentary basis.

The good news is that being aware of the drama triangle and the different roles we might be falling into the trap of playing is half the battle to coming off it.

I am here to tell you that no-one is here to rescue you. You are in charge of your future and in the words from the 90’s Wilson Phillips classic ‘Hold On’…. ‘no one can change your life except for you’. I hope this has helped someone who needed to read this - you know where I am if you want to chat.