Dr Doyle's Delicate Dilemmas

Dear Dr Doyle, without thinking, I recently used the wrong pronouns for someone in my office, saying “she” in front of them when I knew their preferred pronouns were “they/them”. I realised almost immediately but didn’t say anything. Looking back on the situation, I feel I should have apologised and corrected myself there and then but this was a week or two ago now, and it feels too late to apologise now. When this happened, what would have been the best thing to do? Is there anything I can do now to help the situation or have I missed my chance?

Hiya! Thanks for your message. I've got a couple of thoughts:

1. The best thing you can do for your colleague is "be better" going forward - you will have loads of opportunities to nonchalantly let them know that you've self-corrected by quite simply using their pronouns.
2. If you do use the wrong pronouns for this person again or you notice that a colleague has, my best advice is to not make a massive deal about it! E.g. 'they, sorry [name]'; or an actual, but brief acknowledgement, 'that wasn't right, they' - without a justification or minimising it.
3. The most important thing is that the person who has been misgendered doesn't end up having to do the emotional leg-work to forgive you, tell you, or make you feel better for it (saying "don't worry" or "it's ok") which is why I'm a big advocate for the swift acknowledgement and correction.
4. If you find yourself or a colleague are repeatedly making this error, then a fuller apology may indeed be overdue, but again remembering that sometimes apologies centre the "offender" rather than the person who has been hurt. Brings me back to #1.

Bonus: you can go on ahead and get rid of 'preferred' before pronouns going forward, lots of trans/non-binary people have reported the use of 'preferred' as feeling a bit icky (a microaggression).

Two bonuses (what a day): Putting your pronouns in your email signature at work shouldn't be mandatory (ask me why), but if you're committed to being an ally for your trans and non-binary colleagues going forward I'd seriously recommend having them in your email signature etc.

Dear Dr Doyle, at a work event, I was made aware someone was being spoken to and touched inappropriately by a client. I advised them to report it, but they did not want to. I had previously let this lie as an issue, as it was someone else's choice not to make that report. However since the incident, I have heard that the same client is often shepherded away from events early as he has a 'bit of a reputation'. Given the new legislation coming in under the Worker Protection Act 2023, do I have a duty to report this to my employer? Do you have any wider advice on such a situation?

Hiya!

Thanks for getting in touch. OK, let's break this down.

Starting with the legal framework, if I assume that you're based in England or Wales, there are two key parts of this.

A) The Equality Act 2010 protects people from sexual harassment (unwanted conduct of a sexual nature, which has the purpose or effect of either: violating the complainant’s dignity; or creating an intimidating, hostile, degrading, humiliating or offensive environment)

B) The Sexual Offences Act 2003 protects people from different types of sexual violence - the 'touching inappropriately' that you mention may fall under sexual assault which could include for example, stroking someone’s thigh, or rubbing their back in a sexual way without their consent.

When it comes to harassment and violence, bystanders often have to strike a delicate balance between ensuring that the person who has experienced it has autonomy over reporting it (to their employer, the event organiser, the police, etc), and preventing further harm for others. It's so important the person/ people who experienced harassment or assault know how/where to get help if they need or want it. I've included some options below.

In terms of your position, I'd encourage you to consider who the best person is in the company for you to disclose who the repeat offender is and the information that you have about their behaviour. It's important to know that you are under no obligation to share the identity of the people who have shared with you in confidence, without their consent. If asked to do so, simply say "I'd have to check with them first before disclosing their identity to you".

I'd go as high up as you can and share with them that people have reported acceptance/ tolerance of this client's repeated, allegedly illegal behaviour. It seems like there are a couple of people who could corroborate that this client has 'a bit of a reputation'.

You can share what I've shared above - it's disappointing how few [senior leaders] know the difference between barely acceptable and illegal behaviour which unfortunately so often just gets labelled 'inappropriate' or 'unacceptable'. Plus, you can use the Worker Protection Bill as a reason to bring it up with your employer - "we know that this law is coming in, so how are we going to deal with the problems we already have and prevent them from happening again?"

You could have a look at your company policies on whistleblowing and/or anonymous reporting to protect your identity too - what are your options there? This is also a good place to start if you're not sure who to report it to, as there should be at least one person named in that policy.

If you're met with resistance to address the issue from your company then please do get back in touch; I'd be happy to help. If the company are concerned but not sure what to do next you can tell them that they can contact me (sounds like some anti-harassment training could be just what the Dr ordered)!

Getting help:

• Rape Crisis England and Wales?- specialist resources for women who have experienced any form of sexual violence.
• Hersana CIC? - specialist resources for Black women, girls and femmes who have experienced any form of sexual violence.
• Galop - specialist resources for LGBTQ+ people who have experienced abuse or violence.
• Survivors UK - specialist resources for men who have experienced any form of sexual violence.

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