Dr. Debi Silber of The PBT Institute: 5 Things You Need To Heal After a Dramatic Loss Or Life Change

(Written by Pirie Jones Grossman) The world seems to be reeling from one crisis to another. We’ve experienced a global pandemic, economic uncertainty, political and social turmoil. Then there are personal traumas that people are dealing with, such as the loss of a loved one, health issues, unemployment, divorce or the loss of a job.

Coping with change can be traumatic as it often affects every part of our lives.

How do you deal with loss or change in your life? What coping strategies can you use? Do you ignore them and just push through, or do you use specific techniques?

In this series called “5 Things You Need To Heal After a Dramatic Loss Or Life Change” we are interviewing successful people who were able to heal after a difficult life change such as the loss of a loved one, loss of a job, or other personal hardships. We are also talking to Wellness experts, Therapists, and Mental Health Professionals who can share lessons from their experience and research.

As a part of this interview series, I had the pleasure of interviewing Dr. Debi Silber

Dr. Debi Silber is the founder of The PBT (Post Betrayal Transformation) Institute and is a holistic psychologist, a health, mindset and personal development expert, the author of the #1 bestselling book: The Unshakable Woman: 4 Steps to Rebuilding Your Body, Mind and Life After a Life Crisis and her newest book: Trust Again: Overcoming Betrayal and Regaining Health, Confidence and Happiness. Her recent PhD study on how we experience betrayal made 3 groundbreaking discoveries that changes how long it takes to heal. In addition to being on FOX, CBS, The Dr. Oz Show, TEDx (twice) and more, she’s an award winning speaker, coach and author dedicated to helping people move past their betrayals as well as any other blocks preventing them from the health, work, relationships, confidence and happiness they want most.

Thank you so much for doing this with us! Before we start, our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us a bit about your childhood backstory?

I’

ve been in the health, mindset and personal development fields for 30 years. As my life, health and family changed, so did my business. I started as a holistic dietitian with a masters in nutrition and personal trainer. With 4 kids, 6 dogs and a thriving business, my health crashed. That led me to realize there’s more to health than eating well and exercising so I became a Whole Health Coach and Functional Diagnostic Nutritionist so I can use a holistic approach to healing and test people for stress related issues and disease. Then, my world crashed again with 2 heart crushing betrayals (my family and then my husband). I was desperate to understand how the mind works, why people do these things and how I can heal. That led me to enroll in a PhD program in Transpersonal Psychology (they psychology of transformation and human potential) which completely changed my life, my family, my entire business and brand.

Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?

I’ve shared this quote with clients, members of our programs, friends and my family and it can apply to any aspect of life. “Easy now, hard later. Hard now, easy later. Take your pick because it’s going to be one of those two.” For example, easy now: (I want to eat the cookies). Hard later: (I can’t button my pants). Or hard now: (those cookies look good but I’m going to have an apple instead) Easy later: (Woo hoo, I look great!) Apply it to any topic and it works. In the case of healing from my betrayals, I used that same philosophy of: hard now: (I’m going to face it, feel it and heal it) which is leading to: easy later: I’m healthier, happier and more fulfilled than I’ve ever been.

You have been blessed with much success. In your opinion, what are the top three qualities that you possess that have helped you accomplish so much? If you can, please share a story or example for each.

1-I trust my gut. If I’m being led in a certain direction, there’s a reason. Trust it.

2- If I have an idea about something, it’s because I’m the one who can make it happen. Take that seriously.

3-A relentless and never ending pursuit to reach the people who’d benefit from knowing what I’ve been able to overcome so others can do the same.

Let’s now shift to the main part of our discussion about ‘Healing after Loss’. Do you feel comfortable sharing with our readers about your dramatic loss or life change?

While I’ve shared stories about my health crashes (I’d been in the ICU for 11 days and it’s a miracle I’m alive), sharing my betrayal story has been terrifying but it’s been the greatest gift I can give others and has become my passion and purpose.

I thought I healed from my family betrayal but when I experienced the betrayal of my husband, my world crashed. I got him out of the house and started life over as a single mom with a business, 4 kids, 6 dogs and at 50, enrolled in the PhD program. It was time to do a study so I studied betrayal-what holds us back, what helps us heal and what happens to us (physically, mentally and emotionally) when the people closest to us lie, cheat and deceive. That study led to 3 groundbreaking discoveries which changes everything we’ve known about betrayal. While the discoveries were exciting, I was implementing what I’d been learning-it was working and I was slowly moving through my experience. I vowed that if I can heal, I’m taking everyone with me.

I had no idea what was going to happen but I knew it was time to create a strong, healed and healthy version of me and I learned that transformation happens when you’re willing to get very uncomfortable. It was brutal and there were times where I didn’t know how I’d make it through the day. I learned that healing is always a choice-whether we heal ourselves and move on (that’s what happened with my family) or, if the situation lends itself, if you’re willing and if you want to, you can heal and rebuild something entirely new with the person who hurt you. That’s what I did with my husband. As two completely transformed people, we recently married each other again. New rings, new vows and our 4 kids as our bridal party.

What was the scariest part of that event? What did you think was the worst thing that could happen to you?

The scariest part was the unknown. The complete and utter destruction of the old relationship, the old me, the old him. But it was in that death of the old, that it’s possible to rebirth the new. I had no idea how I’d manage all that was on my plate-a big family, my work and taking on a PhD. It was grueling. I also was so embarrassed, filled with shame and uncomfortable sharing my story in the early days so I struggled in silence which made it even more challenging. Betrayal is so devastating because it shatters trust-not only in the person you gave your trust to but you lose trust in everything, even yourself because you ask yourself questions like: “How did I not know?” You question your judgment, you struggle with rejection, abandonment, confidence, worthiness, belonging and trust. They all need to be rebuilt and what makes it even more challenging is that the very person or people who gave us that sense of safety and security is the very person or people to take it away. Safety and security are foundational and that’s why betrayal is one of the most painful experiences we can have. I had no idea what my future held, I was just determined to keep putting one foot in front of the other and see what it would lead to.

How did you react in the short term?

My focus was on the kids. I needed them to know that while I love them with every cell I have, I wasn’t at my best and would show up for them as best as I could. In the earliest days it was little more than dealing with the kids, dogs, mustering up the energy to be there for clients, then crash. I did that day after day using whatever energy I had.

After the dust settled, what coping mechanisms did you use?

One of the first things I did was enroll in the PhD program-I needed to learn my way out of this and that was the boldest move I could make. I was so intuitively guided to it and now I see why. I was learning and implementing everything I learned. When I shared with clients privately what I was going through they were shocked that I was doing so well and kept asking me how I was able to move through the experience. I realized most people may only work through it emotionally or mentally. Betrayal hits us on every level so I was implementing strategies that would help physically, mentally, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually-it was working.

Can you share with us how you were eventually able to heal and “let go” of the negative aspects of that event?

Acknowledgment and forgiveness are huge aspects of healing from betrayal. Also, taking what had become our life story and making it a pivotal chapter of our next story is important too. One of the discoveries was that if we’re going to fully heal, we’re going to move through 5 stages from betrayal to breakthrough. The most common place to get stuck is in Stage 3-Survival. I learned about all of the “benefits” we get from staying stuck (we get to be right, we get someone to blame, we get our story, we get sympathy from others, we get a target for our anger, etc.). I also saw that the longer we stay stuck, the harder it is to leave that space. Yes, I had a powerful story and would have gotten sympathy from anyone I told it to, but I realized I’d have a much better and more powerful story if I found a way to let it go and do something good with it. That certainly didn’t mean excusing any behavior, but it did mean, letting go of the power the pain had on me. I’m not saying it was easy. The injustice was eating me up alive but I knew from a health perspective that if I kept living like that, it would make me sick and that would give the experience even more power over me than it was already taking. There’s a saying: “The best revenge is a life well lived” and I was determined to figure that out.

Aside from letting go, what did you do to create an internal, emotional shift to feel better?

For me, healing myself wasn’t enough to let go of the pain. Every time I helped someone through it and every time I shared what’s possible helped me heal. I created our signature program which literally walks people through the 5 stages-as much as putting these discoveries in a way others can benefit was for them, it was helping me heal. I realized that my healing was accelerated by helping others so I created a certification program so others can heal then pay it forward and have that additional edge and incentive to heal. Every time I spoke, shared, taught, it helped as I found purpose for my pain. Of course I was doing things like journaling, meditating, breathing, finding time in nature and things like that too but for me, it really was in sharing what I’d been learning that accelerated my healing.

Is there a particular person who you are grateful towards who helped get you to cope and heal? Can you share a story about that?

I truly believe that the people who hurt us the most are our greatest teachers. They show us what not to do, what we’re no longer willing to tolerate, how strong we are and who we’re ready to become. It also was my study participants who helped me heal-these brave people sharing their stories led to insights we never would have learned had they not opened up and shared their experiences. I’m so deeply grateful for all of them and the impact they’ve had on me, and thousands of others since these discoveries have been made.

Were you able to eventually reframe the consequences and turn it into a positive situation? Can you explain how you did that?

I believe and have experienced first hand how trauma is the setup for transformation. Sure we can stay stuck and bitter but it’s in the complete destruction of the old, that we allow for something new. Using my trauma to help others feels like trauma well served. That’s not to say I’d want it to happen again, but we always have the choice around what we’ll do with our experience. While we have every right to stay stuck, that’s not fair to you. I reasoned that if I’m going to experience something so painful, I owe it to myself and others to do something really good with it. Sharing my story (in my book, on stages, podcasts, summits, articles, etc.) has been really hard but it’s worth it every time if even 1 person realizes they don’t have to stay stuck and they can heal from all of it. Not only can they heal, they’re in the perfect position to create a version of themselves that never would have shown up, had that experience not happen.

What did you learn about yourself from this very difficult experience? Can you please explain with a story or example?

I learned that I’m stronger than I thought, more resourceful than I knew and more resilient than I imagined. I learned that I’d rather be a role model than a victim, that it’s helpful to become comfortable with the uncomfortable, and that when we’re able to overcome something, we have an obligation to shorten someone else’s learning curve. My experience only happened around 5 and a half years ago and when I see that by trusting my gut and throwing myself into the PhD program, I’ve rebuilt myself, have a brand new marriage (with the same person yet not the same), books, 2 TEDx talks, a podcast and The PBT Institute which were all birthed from that painful experience. We have certified coaches, hundreds of members all benefiting from my pain. Every week within the community, one of the features is an open Q&A call with me. Seeing people move from a place of Post Betrayal Syndrome (one of the discoveries) to moving through the 5 stages to a healed space of Post Betrayal Transformation (another one of the discoveries) leaves me in absolute awe. I feel so grateful and blessed that I’ve found a way to help people through something they never saw coming and never thought they could heal from. Watching their transformations continuously reminds me that my pain had a purpose and for that, I’m so grateful and consider myself blessed.

Fantastic. Here is the main question of our interview. Based on your experiences and knowledge, what advice would you give others to help them get through a difficult life challenge? What are your “5 Things You Need To Heal After a Dramatic Loss Or Life Change? Please share a story or example for each.

1. Understand that even though it happened to you, it’s not about you. When it comes to betrayal, even if you have to say it to yourself 10,000 times, it’s worth it.
2. Seek the right type of support-the wrong support does more harm than good and while people may be well meaning, they may not be the right people who can help at this sensitive and fragile time.
3. Trust your gut-it never lies.
4. Your job it to heal (physically, mentally and emotionally) from your experience and it’s from that healed space that your best decisions are made.
5. You’re doing nothing good for yourself or anyone else when you stay stuck. While it may seem easier than doing the work to heal, you deserve to do something good with something bad. Otherwise, it’s like a bad game of “hot potato”. Stay willing to keep moving forward even if you have no idea of what will happen-that’s where and when the magic happens.

You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be?

Betrayal is nothing new and I don’t believe it’s going away anytime soon. Whether it’s the betrayal of a family member, partner, friend, coworker, self, etc. my intention is to make it so anyone who has been betrayed and wants to fully heal and transform, knows that The PBT Institute is the go-to place to heal once and for all. As a well established community serving members globally, the next step would be implementing programs to kids so they learn integrity, compassion, trustworthiness and other characteristics that would prevent betrayal before it starts. That would prevent countless pain and heartache.

We are very blessed that some very prominent names in Business, VC funding, Sports, and Entertainment read this column. Is there a person in the world, or in the US with whom you would love to have a private breakfast or lunch with, and why? He or she might just see this if we tag them. :-)

Vishen Lakiani , Founder of Mindvalley. I’ve met him through a mastermind I’m in, have been a member of Mindvalley for years and notice that he doesn’t have anyone teaching how to heal from betrayal. I love how he’s constantly reinvented himself and Mindvalley and would love to have an opportunity to thank him for what I’ve learned from being a part of his community, and also to see how my message may be of service.

How can our readers further follow your work online?

I invite anyone to take the Post Betrayal Syndrome Quiz to see to what extent they may be struggling. They can find that at https://thepbtinstitute.com/quiz/