Dr. Allen Steven Lycka, the #1 Expert on Living a Fantastic Life interviews Sean Kanan, Actor, On Apologizing and Forgiveness

Sean Kanan Apologizing, Forgiveness

Sean Kanan?

Well, I talk a lot about apologizing. And I talk about forgiveness and you know, we, you know, humans tend to carry these stories with them. That too often wears like anvils around our neck that are just completely debilitating. You know, when you've transgressed with somebody, and fail to ask for forgiveness, to fail to ask for an apology. You're carrying that psychic baggage around because, you know, internally, that you've not only transgressed but you haven't done anything to try and rectify the situation. You know, and so often people really dislike this, this phrase that people tend to use, I'm sorry, if you felt that way. Well, that's not an apology. You know, an apology is I am sorry that I did a, b and c, what can I do to make it better, and it won't happen again. And, you know, apologizing is not always easy. But it's so freeing because it frees the other person from the resentment that they're most likely carrying around to you. And it frees you from all of the psychic baggage and anxiety and remorse that most normal human beings unless you're a sociopath, carry around when they know they've done something wrong.

?And so, there's this great book, called The Medium Is The Message by Dr. Marshall McLuhan, who was a communications professor, and also appeared in Annie Hall with Woody Allen. And it's called the medium is the message. And it means that very often, the mediums that we use to communicate with people are oftentimes more important than the message that is said, I'll give you an example. You've been with somebody for 10 years in a relationship, you want to leave the relationship, and you leave them a post-it note on the orange juice in the refrigerator, saying it's over.

Dr. Allen Lycka?

Oh, my God.

Sean Kanan?

Not really quite the same is sitting down with them. And having a connected conversation where you're, you know, you're offering your perspective and listening to theirs. You know, social media and the internet are incredible tools that have afforded us all sorts of convenience. But what it's also done is allow people the ability to no longer have to communicate face to face. So, I talk a lot about when asking forgiveness for something, it's imperative that you do your best to do it face to face. And if you can't do it face to face, then you know, the next best thing is a phone call if you can't do a phone call an email, but leaving, leaving a message on someone's voicemail, saying, Hey, I got I got drunk last night said something stupid, and I'm sorry, that doesn't cut it.

Dr. Allen Lycka?

You know, Sean, and that's the world we live in. Now, I think people love to do these things. I think people love to drop a person by a text. They love to do things by doing these things because they're afraid to talk to a person to their face. And I think that is a bad thing. I think really, we grow because we listen to people and we grow in situations where we communicate either eye to eye face to face.

Sean Kanan?

To piggyback on that, though, we grow to when you know you have to have an uncomfortable conversation with somebody because you were in the wrong and transgressed and you face it down and you do it. I mean, you know, nobody likes to have an uncomfortable conversation where they know that they were, you know in the wrong and my experience has been that most of the time almost without fail if you apologize and ask forgiveness from somebody with earnestness and honesty and a place of wanting to heal the damage that was done most of the time people are receptive, and it doesn't mean all the time and all you can do is try your best. But you know it I think it's an incredible way of demonstrating your character. And building character is doing what is difficult when you don't want to do it. Because look, you know, it's the easiest thing in the world to do something, you know, crappy and not apologize to somebody, you just don't need to see them anymore communicate with them anymore. And a lot of people do that,?they bounce from one relationship to another. So, I would, I would challenge people that if you find that you are, you know, recirculating groups of friends every year, or you're, you know, you're constantly in and out of relationships, I would say, take a look at how you're relating to people, friends, and significant others when you need to apologize and ask forgiveness.?Are you doing it, or are you simply just doing a geographic and picking up your bags and moving on to the next group or person?