The Downside & Upside to Being "Nice"

The Downside

Several years ago I was epically struggling with my real estate business. I was in the office all day every day, doing everything I could think of to drum up new business. Nothing was coming through. I felt desperate.

A colleague/friend who sat across the aisle from me was aware of my struggles. As I was stressing over my lack of progress one day, she looked at me and said, “you’re too nice.” I was stunned for a minute, and then immediately felt defensive. I think I said, “I’m not that nice.” And “I don’t think that’s my problem.” To myself, I said, “What’s wrong with being nice. I don’t want to be a jerk to people.”

On thinking about it more—both then and through the years—I realized that the “too nice” she was talking about was me not having healthy boundaries about how I allowed clients and potential clients to treat me.

This comment came on the heels of my colleague-friend having a front row seat to me throwing all my time and energy into working with buyers who pursuing a $3.5M apartment and using me as their agent.

What’s wrong with that, you ask?

What was wrong is that I initially was told by one member of this couple—a friend—that she wanted me to help them find a new apartment. After the first round of apartment viewing, I found out that her partner was the sole purchaser and had an agent he had just started working with. So, he suggested this scenario: whichever agent sent a listing of interest to him first would be the one to show it and to potentially get the commission.

I was disappointed but decided to forge ahead anyway. A $3.5 million sale was worth it, I said to myself. So, I proceeded to obsess over the search, constantly checking my listings database and refreshing my searches on various consumer sites.

At one point, my friend’s spouse replied to one of my emails: “why are you sending me emails at 2am?!” I was so wrapped up in this search that I’d wake up in the middle of the night thinking about it. And of course, I’d then check my listings and send whatever had come up. Given the competition with the other agent, I wasn’t going to wait until morning.

Long story short, we made an offer on a very desirable apartment that elicited multiple offers. We couldn’t offer more, because I was told that we were at the maximum budget. So, we landed at first back-up offer and didn’t get the apartment.

Soon after, my friend’s partner purchased an apartment for them in a completely different neighborhood at a much higher price point than the maximum budget I’d been told. My months of effort and obsession came to nothing. I don’t think he used the other agent either.

I truly believe there was no bad intent. Why not have two agents searching for you? And there was nothing wrong with finding a way to secure more funding when he found an apartment he really loved. But I ignored red flags and didn’t stand up for myself. I focused only on being nice because I had been given an opportunity to represent them on such a big sale.

The Upside of NIce

Many years ago, as a rookie TV news reporter/anchor at an ABC affiliate in the Midwest, our newly hired news director shared his philosophy with us. In short, it was: “if you run into a reporter from a competing station and they need help, give it to them.” Give them an extra camera battery if theirs ran out. Let them use your cellphone. Give them directions. (Can you tell this was before cell phones and the internet were omnipresent?)

I remember that all of us just about gasped out loud when he said this. Why on earth was he suggesting we help our competitors? I think we all nodded and muttered, “okay, sure,” and then went on with our days.

Months later, I was assigned a really difficult story. In a complicated drug-related scenario, a teenager had been kidnapped and brutally murdered by a group of his friends. It was a tragic story in every way.

During the out-of-town murder trial, I sat in the courtroom as horrific crime scene video played. I stared at the backs of the teen’s grandfather and father and tried to wrap my head around approaching them for an interview. It made my stomach turn, but I knew my job. I had to ask.

At the break, I approached them and said something to the effect that I could imagine this was an extraordinarily difficult time, and I was sorry to ask (because I actually was), but would they be willing to speak about their son/grandson on camera. I was polite and genuinely apologetic—you could say I was NICE about it. So, instead of telling me off for being callous, they politely declined.

I then went downstairs to call in an update to my station. I was standing near a payphone bank to make the call on my brick-sized, station-issued cellphone. You remember the kind with the antenna?

A woman who I assumed to be a local print reporter was dealing with finding change for the pay phone. She looked up at me and asked, “do you know when the break ends?” I told her. Then, remembering my news director’s advice, I offered her my cellphone so she didn’t have to fumble for change. She took me up on it.

I then asked, “are you a local reporter?”

She said, “no, I’m [the victim]’s mother.”

I was genuinely mortified I didn’t know who she was. She was from out of town and her son lived with his father and grandfather. I hastily expressed my condolences, apologized for not knowing who she was, and was generally compassionate and … nice … about it.

She told me it was okay, she understood, and asked me what outlet I was from. I told her and we chatted briefly.

Then, knowing my job, I politely asked for an interview on camera.

She said yes.

She appreciated how kind I was when I asked, that I was NICE to her without knowing who she was.

And she proceeded to do interviews with me and only me for the duration of the trial.

Because I was nice. The good kind of nice.

With occasional lapses, being the “good kind of nice” is how I continue to operate.

I recently had a consultation call with a woman who was looking for an organizer to help her elderly parents with a large unpacking job. She ended up hiring me because she said she could tell I genuinely cared about my clients. The one-day job went well, and her father told her he really liked me because I was a friendly upbeat person. I drove her back to Manhattan and went out of my way to drop her at a subway so she could get to an important event on time.

She then hired me for a one-week job for herself.

Just this past week, I showed a rental listing to a young couple for the second time. I spent a lot of time with them as they took measurements and asked questions they didn’t think of the first time. I helped by using my digital measure. I had no idea whether they’d move forward with this apartment or one of the others they were going to see later that evening.

As they were leaving, one of the women turned back and said, “you’re really nice. Thank you.”

They’re going to rent the apartment. Not directly because of me, because it was the best of what they saw in their price range. But did making them feel at home and at ease help? I think so. Could being an impatient jerk have swayed them in the other direction? Absolutely.

Good Nice v. Bad Nice

Being nice to the degree that you consistently put others’ needs and desires ahead of your own in a way that causes you to feel—or be—taken advantage of is the bad kind of nice. I would argue that allowing yourself to get into that situation is something worse than being “too nice.” It’s not honoring yourself.

Being nice in seeking to understand another person’s perspective, giving someone the benefit of the doubt until they prove they don’t deserve it, acting with compassion and integrity, being of service, making others feel comfortable without making yourself feel uncomfortable is the good kind of nice.

Final Note

Have you ever been accused of being “too nice?” Were you actually “too nice” in a toxic way or was your “nice” behavior coming from a healthy place?