No doubt: how to connect with confidence

Last week I spoke at the University of Queensland’s as part of their LeadHers program. The topic was ‘Connect With Confidence’ and was all about building stronger relationships with the people your network. I actually spoke about this same topic last year, and must have done alright given I was invited back!

While I framed my last talk around being a confident leader and connecting with hose who look to you, this year I decided to take a different tack and focus on the things that hold us back from making connections in the first place.

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I love speaking at unis because I still remember some of the people who gave talks when I was studying, and the impact they had on me: showing me pathways I didn’t know existed; sharing that they felt the same doubts or fear I did even though, in my mind, they had 'made it'.

Giving a uni talk is a great exercise in reflection, almost like talking to your younger self. As I created my presentation, I thought back to when I was the one sitting in the lecture hall. I know that girl would be so proud of where we are today. High-five, past me – we did so good!?

Like most people in their early 20s, back then I cared about what other people thought of me a lot more than I do now. That’s one of the brilliant things that comes with age: the confidence that comes from experience and getting to know yourself better, including your unique strengths and talents.?

But even when you’ve got a good idea of who you are and the amazing gifts that make you ‘you’ in all your beautiful you-ness, there are still those times when you forget all of that for a moment, like some sort of confidence amnesia.

We’re all just figuring it out

Imposter Syndrome: when you feel like you’re not good at something, even though you are. That feeling you’ll be ‘found out’ as a fraud, that you just ‘got lucky’ to be in the position you’re in, or other people think you’re better than you actually are.

During those moments of doubt – when I feel like I’m not deserving, not qualified, not capable – I ground myself by remembering every single one of us is still figuring it out. I also remind myself that other people probably aren’t thinking about me as much as I like to think they are. It’s a harsh and freeing reality: we’re all mostly just thinking about ourselves.?

Company president or work experience kid, everyone is likely trying to figure out something they haven’t dealt with before and that's what they're focused on – not second-guessing you or your work.

When you’ve been in the game for a while and you’ve gone through your fair share of challenging situations, you have some ammunition to use against your imposter syndrome. You can remind yourself that you’ve figured it out before and you can do it again.?

You should also remember there are people around you to help you through, and you don’t have to figure it out on your own. Which brings us back, quite nicely, to the importance of making connections.

“Staying in touch is never a waste of time.”?– KPMG Chairman Alison Kitchen for Future Women

I would absolutely not be where I am today without the connections I’ve made. From managers who recommended me for roles to folks I’ve met at networking events who have become my go-tos for marketing shop talk,?the people in my professional circle (who are probably reading this) share in my success.

Your goal should be to create connections with people who would mention your name in a room full of opportunities. ?

Every connection, every conversation, could open a door for you down the track. I can say this hand-on-heart, because I continue to reap the rewards of connecting with so many incredible people over my working life.?

It’s one thing to make the connections, but you also need to dedicate time to keeping those valuable relationships warm.

Here are some tips you can use to stay in touch with your connections:

• You don’t always have to 'catch up'. Sometimes a friendly message is all you need. Just dropping by to say hi / saw this and thought of you / have you read this book, etc.
• Pick a specific month and schedule all your overdue catch ups. It might sound odd to do it in bulk, but dedicating a few weeks keep things focused and means you don't feel like you're catching up with people every other week all year.
• Make an effort to go to events your connections are going to. This is also a great opportunity to slide into DMs and have a chat about what's happening on the networking scene.
• Connect your connections. Link up your contacts with others in your network when you see opportunities to do so (send them interesting roles, tag them on call-outs for speaking gigs or research opportunities)

On that last point, helping your connections is an incredibly powerful way of building a beautiful network of people who, in turn, could repay the favour. The power of your network lies not just in who you know, but in how you nurture those connections.

“An effective way to build a network is to help people as much as you can… I’m continually surprised how often something good happens to me because of something I did to help a founder ten years ago.”?– Sam Altman, How to be Successful

Imposter syndrome may whisper doubts, but you can always ground yourself with the knowledge that every one of us, regardless of titles or roles, is in the same boat. Time and experience will see that self-judgment gradually give way to the realisation we are all just figuring it out – it turns out maybe that's the great connector of us all!

TL;DR In those moments when doubt is creeping in and you’re nervous about reaching out to others, remember every connection you make is a bridge and every conversation is an opportunity. Your network is the key to your next step ?