Doubling Down
It's epidemic. Doubling down. When someone does something wrong, he ramps up his defense. It's like the traveler in a foreign country who, when the locals don't understand his language, doubles his volume.
This is an issue I posted about last week. At the time I was writing, a national network was helping the central figure advance his case. In my opinion, everyone in the story was wrong.
I dislike this story and I don't "punch down." I am clearing my sinuses (see below). In contrast to rants on social media, the focus is on developing questions that can illuminate the issue. The answers to the questions can lead to greater clarity.
1. Does the soft music background fit the story and engender compassion, or is it ham-fisted?
2. The spirited defense of the daughter is to be expected. Does it make any difference that she is the husband’s daughter, and the wife’s stepdaughter?
3. Did the situation get “spun out of control” or was it, like a spinning top, kicked out of control?
4. What does respect look and sound like for someone who is mentally diminished? Does characterizing the husband as a “single father with a child” show respect for the living wife, or is it to justify the actions taken? When the husband says that his wife would want him to continue speaking out, did the wife foresee and approve of communication about the emerging roles of Alzheimer’s mistresses?
5. The girlfriend asserts that this is a valuable discussion society should be having. Although the issues of Alzheimer’s and caregiving are crucial, is the decision to move a girlfriend into the house an important discussion? If so, why hasn’t anyone heard about it until now?
6. The coverage is by a major news outlet and media figure. Is it newsworthy? Is it one old friend helping another, presenting (appropriately?) soft questions? Is it two mature males “mansplaining” a bad decision that has drawn withering national blowback?
7. The husband speaks of bearing a load, while living in the East Hamptons (average home sale price of $8,000,000) and being listed on the internet as a multimillionaire. How does this compare to a husband with modest means, caring for his dying wife, praying that the money will last the journey, and happy if all he has left is ten bucks in his pocket at the time of passing?
8. Did the husband’s explanations recruit any new defenders, or did it create many thousands of new and angry critics?
Of the people on the panel in the video, the most credibility belongs to Maria Shriver. She has given much time to Alzheimer’s issues, plus she understands bad male behavior. This, though, appears to be a misstep.
A friend of mine listened to my amplified concerns and expressed that perhaps I was judgmental. Because my wife and I had a seven-year Alzheimer’s journey, I meet the husband’s earlier expressed criterion that only another caregiver can understand.
I understand.
I am, though, judgmental on the decisions and life actions within this context. When something foul-smelling is held under your nose, do you tell yourself to refrain from being judgmental? No. First you say it stinks, and then you tell the person to "back up."
I feel sorry for this gentleman. He is making decisions which are earning him a great deal of enmity. He also appears to be short on good friends who can tell him to stop talking about THIS aspect of HIS journey.
Back up!