The Do's & Don'ts of Living with an Alcoholic

by Tim O'Donohue

Did you know that April is Alcohol Awareness Month?

Recently, a loved one's or your own struggle with addiction has taken an unexpected turn. With the closings of bars and casinos and the lock down orders, many find themselves with a new layer of challenge to this struggle. Is this new layer good or bad ? Well, that may be up to you. Certainly having more time at home, for some, is a trigger to drink or use more, but for many it has forced them stop or cut down. Addiction can be a secretive, sneaky and unaccountable disease. Being around the people who love and care for you most on a more continual basis, may indeed cause you to become more accountable. If you have stopped or cut down, please remember and connect to that part of you that knows stopping is best for you. Instead of yearning for the day you can go back to the bar, take time each day and validate yourself for having stopped, no matter the reason, and remind yourself it is best. If you take it a day at a time, you absolutely can do it and your life absolutely will get better sooner than you may think. With support and a plan, your road to recovery may have already begun in the least likely of scenarios! Whatever way you are seeing your addiction or your loved one's addiction, now is a great time to address it.

For those living with the addict, you may be experiencing the constricted helpless feeling of living with an alcoholic or addict even more now during the lock-down than before!

Whether we call it alcoholism or something else, people tend to know deep down when alcohol is a problem in their life. However, fear and defensiveness can lead the addicted loved one to have minimizing, justifying, and/or rationalizing thoughts toward their addictive behaviors. Living with an addict or alcoholic can be challenging--this is an understatement. It can be downright hard, causing you to question your own sanity. Chances are you've been lied to, manipulated, deceived, yelled at, cried to, blamed, and sabotaged many times. As someone who loves an addict or alcoholic, you must be clear on what you can and can't control. It is completely understandable that you have tried many ways to stop him/her from using substances and drinking. It probably feels hopeless and you feel helpless each time you realize that you have no control over this. However, this is the reality. This is not to say that your situation is hopeless, your loved one can make a change and things can improve, but he/she must decide that for them self.

Radical acceptance is about living within the reality we are currently in. It is different than suffering through this reality or resigning ourselves to the reality. There is an alternate option to get out of the relationship, but you may currently have reasons that make that option undesirable, difficult or unattainable. This causes you to to stay in the relationship and in a reality that is much less desirable than your preferred reality. However, at this very point, the preferred reality is not an option at all, because your partner has not yet decided to live in that reality. Therefore, your options become 1) living in this less-desirable reality and fighting it or 2) living in this reality and accepting it (not accepting it as in approving your partner's actions and behaviors, but accepting that it is the reality). When it comes to a situation like this, option 2 is always the better option (Making an appointment with a licensed counselor can be helpful for you to go through this radical acceptance strategy in order to gain a deeper understanding and better grasp of it).

The most important thing you can do is to take care of yourself! This includes physically, mentally and emotionally. You can create a self-care plan as well as a plan to address your relationship with your addicted loved-one. As I mentioned previously, one of the tough decisions you may have to make will be whether to stay in the relationship or not. However, for as long as you are in the relationship, you will want to be utilizing best practice when interacting with your addicted loved one. The following is a list of steps that may help. Please note that none of these will stop the addiction (that can only be accomplished by the user through professional help and/or programs). Know it is not your responsibility or duty to do any of these things. You are not responsible for your loved one's use nor for getting them to stop. With that being said, here are some tips to help you navigate through these challenging circumstances:

DO's

• Take care of yourself. Physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually
• Seek counseling for yourself.
• Hold them accountable for their actions. 
• In your mind, actively separate the person from the addiction. 
• Remind them of their value as a human being.
• Tell them how their alcohol use impacts you and how you feel.
• Tell them you know that they are suffering. Whether they acknowledge they are or not.
• Tell them and remind them you like them better when sober.
• Take every opportunity to reinforce sober behavior.
• Set your boundaries. Assess what you can accept and what is unacceptable.
• Be open to others' input even if it is something you don't want to hear.
• Do some research on places that can help and have that information readily available. 
•  Act when they are in an acknowledging place. Often the day after a binge or episode when they are feeling sad and apologetic. If possible go with them and tell them; "I know it is scary, but you will get through this. I'm here for you and love you."

DONT's

• Do not ignore the problem.
• Do not look down on them.
• Do not enable them.
• Do not beg and plead to them to stop drinking.
• Do not try to reason with them. Addiction is not reasonable, treat them compassionately. 
• Do not demand they stop drinking.
• Do not argue. Especially at those times when you cannot believe they are arguing something. Most often you are fighting with their defenses.
• Do not become their counselor or therapist. Insist that they seek help.
• Do not discuss these issues when they are drunk or high.
• Do not simply hope the behavior changes on its own.
• Do not judge yourself for feeling angry.
• Do not stay in a dangerous situation.
• Do not think you have to face this alone.

Call us for help or for direction to resources in your area: RelationshipStore Counseling & Coaching Center 630 974 6777, [email protected]