“DOs” and “DON’Ts” of Family Gatherings

It’s the holiday season and a time when many of us celebrate with our families. While COVID-19 has created the need for some adjustments, the fact that we sometimes fight with the people we love the most is still a challenge. We have enough stressors in our lives without making matters worse. So here are some of the top things to avoid, and some “DOs” that you may not have considered.?

Family Gathering DON’Ts??

1. DON’T ... get too haughty taughty.

Before you read Robin DiAngelo’s White Fragility, you probably had some pretty racist ideas, too. Once you learn better, you are required to do better but that does not mean attacking your family. Think about how you might be able to share the information you have learned... keeping in mind that you have been working on yourself for months. As such, you might not be able to shift your great uncle in one conversation.

2. DON’T ... try to tackle systemic issues at the dining room table.?

There are three dimensions at play as we try to create a more equitable world - the personal, interpersonal, and institutional. The personal and interpersonal issues of prejudice and discrimination are hefty topics that can be addressed through dialogue with our family members. The institutional stuff? Well, those problems are so big that they will likely take organizing and far more that one conversation with you at the dining room table to address. Keep this in mind when you consider the best approach to help your family be culturally sensitive and affirming.

3. DON’T ... accept an invitation with the intention of sabotaging the meal.

Do you know that you are going to be on the receiving end of microaggressions? If so, why are you going? This is an important question to ask yourself and to answer. Remember, you do not have to subject yourself to abuse and there is no better year than this one to sit it out. You know... "socially distancing."

4. DON’T ... treat your family worse than you do your coworkers.?

Many times it is a challenge to get people to address the poor behavior of their teammates and peers at work. Yet, when they get ready to address the slights of their family members they wield the sword of death. Remember that you can address tough issues in caring ways. Certainly grant your family members the basic courtesy that you would your work colleagues.

Family Gathering DOs??

1. DO ... be proactive.?

Don’t wait to prepare, practice and plan for a difficult conversation that you know is likely to come up. If you want to engage in healthy conflict, be sure to think about what you will say and how you will respond. It is helpful to write out your words and to practice with a friend BEFORE you are in the actual situation. If the conversation is important enough to tackle at dinner, give it the attention it deserves.

2. DO ... align words and actions with your values.

However you choose to show up at your family gatherings ensure that it is in alignment with your values. My personal coach often reminds me that I value candor but that I also value doing things in constructive (not destructive) ways because I care. This fact means that I have to consider all three things (candor, constructiveness and caring) when I am engaging with the people I love the most.

3. DO ... listen.

Your ability to listen for understanding is critical. Often people listen to other people thinking about their own responses. If not, they are listening for accuracy and validity in what the other person is saying. Empathetic and effective listening involves you listening for no other reason but to understand where the other person is coming from. Listening in this way and repeating back what you’ve heard the other person say is a great way to improve communication.

4. DO … be optimistic.?

Finally, remember that you love these people. Go into the holidays assuming the best and hoping for a great outcome. A positive attitude will go a long way towards creating the type of trusting relationships that foster an environment where tough conversations are welcomed rather than begrudged.

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Dr. Nicole Price is CEO of Lively Paradox. Through transformational training workshops and keynote presentations, Lively Paradox delivers actionable insights and skills to help leaders, teams, and individuals bring their full selves and best efforts to work, every day.

Find more tips and professional development videos on her YouTube channel: Dr. Nicole D. Price, or visit www.livelyparadox.com to learn more about her company.