The Door, the Frame & the Light

A lot is said about how we need to ‘stand out’ in order to get somewhere in life - in particular in our careers and professional endeavors.

We’ve created a paradigm where the emphasis is on the individual stepping out, stepping up, putting ourselves ‘out there’ in order to be noticed, to be heard, to be taken seriously and for others to see the value we have to offer.

The onus is on the individual to ‘do the work’ and that work is primarily about going too others. It’s proactive, external and involves us needing to ‘suck it up’, step over some sort of fear-ridden threshold and to get comfortable with discomfort.

We’ve been told these stories for years, generations even. We’ve been told that success comes from taking responsibility for our actions and going out chasing our dreams. We’ve created cliches, buzzwords and entire movements to help us go forth with authenticity and vulnerability …… all the while ensuring we hold something back in reserve. You know, just in case.

Yet, here we are – largely unfulfilled and seeking validation through comparison – mostly via curated social media we know isn’t real yet can’t help scrolling into.

We buy-in to life as a competition. We crusade through the interwebs via the keyboard ‘liking and lurking’ around other people’s stands for attention in the hope we’ll be noticed by association. As if that matters. And we make it matter.

You see, what we’ve been told and worked bloody hard to make true is that we must go-to others in order to succeed. Leadership, riches, success, fulfilment ….even enlightenment is misconstrued into something we should ‘seek’ by taking action and going ‘out’ to ‘find’ what we’re looking for.

Seeking something more

In my travels through life and learning, what I've found is most of us seek some kind of validation – to be accepted, to fit in and feel valuable to those we choose to go out and associate with. We gather things to show others as we gather together in some other space.

My point is that we really do believe we have to step-out and step-in to groups of other people in order to be accepted – to fulfil our innate tribal wants and needs. I even had a program called “Stand-up, Step-out, Stand-out” aimed to help people build the courage and conviction needed to be your best self out there in the big wide world. I now know this thinking is flawed.

It's flawed because it suggests better lies somewhere beyond where we are. But better isn't a place somewhere elsewhere; its a state of being within ourselves.

The truth is not 'out there'

The simple truth is this: the secret to being accepted by others doesn’t require us to go ‘to’ them and show them what we can do; it requires us to let others in to our own lives and allow them to see who we already are.

The only work we have to do is let others in – there is no need to work ‘on’ ourselves to be better, more, different. We’re enough for enough people. Not everyone will want to come in. That’s perfect – there’s not enough room for everyone, anyway.

When we let others in, we’re in control. Afterall, it’s our space – we know ourselves best. Show people around. Take them on a tour, be their guide and see what happens. Just open the door .... the metaphorical door, right?! Not the front door to your house. That would be madness. There are nutters out there!*

Back to the metaphorical but probably more life-determining 'Door'

I’ve been playing with the metaphor of the Door, the Frame and the Light for the last few months and I’m putting it out there (oh the irony) now as I develop content and curriculum, which you’ll be invited to come-on-in and see soon.

The ‘Door’ represents the barriers (real or perceived - physical, social, emotional, spiritual) we put up in order to stay safe in all areas of our lives. We often hide ourselves away, at least in part, to stay safe. It’s human nature, but it’s not always helpful. Sometimes we close the door on opportunities, people and a better future because well, better the devil you know right?

The ‘Frame’ represents the structure upon which your ‘door’ hangs. It’s the lens through which you look out at the world and your life in it. It’s also the boundaries you put in place (helpful and otherwise), as well as the excuses we all make for not living the life we desire – our biases, preferences and assumptions. Our frame is why and how we look at what’s on the other side of the door.

The ‘Light’ represents the myriad of possible futures - opportunities, freedom, awe & wonder, relief, success and renewal, as well as the friends, careers and communities we could be part of but instead miss behind the door. We often block the light by closing doors; not even letting it get a glimpse inside. We do this simply because we fear what lies across the threshold - it’s safer to stay inside, alone in our room illuminated by unnatural light casting shadows of what we know (or think we do) – all of which we can control, curate and habituate …. and justify through the stories we tell ourselves.

Yet when we open the door and allow the light to enter our room then opportunities, connections, possibilities, relationships and adventures are sparked. Afterall, they’ve been passing our door all this time – we just haven’t noticed them as we’ve tried to pluck up the courage to step out into the light, when all we've ever needed to do is open the door and let the light in - light that illuminates our true selves rather than the 'self' we've told ourselves we are. That third self is often least like our true selves, and is certainly not the 'us' others experience when we let them in.

How do I know this is true?

Simply because I've had to let all the people closest to me 'in' to my real world in recent years, something I spent more than four decades managing, curating, editing and hiding behind a carefully constructed and incredibly safe yet unfulfilling door and frame.

Life, work, the world are better when we let others in.

I’ll be spending the rest of this year writing and ranting about the benefits of Letting Others In and how we can go about doing this more with ease. I’ll share stories – some my own, some about others and some entirely made-up just to make a point ??.

I won’t be writing a newsletter or asking you to subscribe to a list on my website. I don’t expect you to let me in to your inbox. I’ll be here on LinkedIn though, so if you’re keen to hear more and we haven’t yet connected, go for it - my doors always open! I've also started a LinkedIn Group of the same name, which I'd be grateful if you chose to join as that means you, me and whoever else joins can share similar stuff**.

*One-third of home burglaries occur by dirty-rotten bastards entering through unlocked doors. Lock the doors to your home if you're going out. ??

**I know - its not lost on me that in order to share more of this you have to join a group, but such is life until I own Microsoft and change the settings here on this fine platform ????.