The Door for Coming Out Keeps Widening

"Coming Out of the Closet" was once considered a one-time event, a moment to fully declare how you identified along the LGBTQ+ spectrum to the whole world. And while we still need a day like "National Coming Out Day" to provide the space and opportunity to do that, coming out is now morphing into a continuous journey to be your most radically and fully authentic self as a member of the LGBTQ+ community.

As a very out, loud and proud gay man, my journey of coming out started at age 18. And it wasn't to my family first. I was so nervous about stating to anyone vocally, "I'm gay," I resorted to writing it out in a heartfelt letter to a teacher, someone I was so sure would openly accept me. That was Ms. Floyd, my Humanities teacher, an open-minded educator who seemed to accept anyone with great enthusiasm. I pushed the letter under her office door and walked away, catching my breath.?

Later that day, walking through the hallway as all the students traversed to their next class, Ms. Floyd walked up with a gentle but committed grip on my arm and told me, "I am so proud of you." It all happened so fast, and while my smile was small across my face, I was beaming inside, knowing that one of my favorite teachers would accept me for who I am: me. I then found the courage to come out to my close friends in high school. They also welcomed me with open arms, with one of them commenting, "you know I was waiting for you to come out and tell me." Not everyone can hide who they are (and nor should they).

Months later, I took my next step: telling my mom, dad, and sister. My family had its usual nightly dinner, sharing stories of how our day went and what we were up to next. But that night, it felt like the time for me just to come out. Placing my utensils down with nervous gentleness, I spoke up: "Everyone, I have an announcement." They were all eating away (don't worry, they were still paying attention) as my mum said, "yes, dear?" I took another breath and said as calmly as possible, "I'm gay." Not even a second went by, and my mum replied, "oh, don't worry, dear, we knew." Then my dad replied, "yes, and we still love you, son." My sister didn't respond; she just looked at me with a small smile and shrugged. I did not anticipate a harsh response, and thankfully there wasn't one, but it was still a complete relief that my own family had my back.?

While I found a new sense of relief after high school ended, I took a different approach as soon as I arrived on the ground for my first semester at college. With a new sea of people to meet and get to know, I wanted to put my best self forward. How was I going to do that? I felt physically safe on this campus, but I didn't want to reveal who I was as a gay man immediately because I didn't know anyone. At that time, I struggled with how "effeminate" I might act or appear as a gay man; it wasn't something I could embrace because I didn't want to be treated as a stereotype. To test this, I went to a rush event for a local fraternity. Purposely, I lowered my voice and tried to act as "cool" as possible. "Hey man, I'm Dave," said the first person I met there. "Yo, I'm George" (how authentic of me). "Wanna play some air hockey?" said Dave. "Sure, dude!" I replied. I had excellent hand-eye coordination, but when I got competitive, the higher range of my voice would creep out, making me deathly nervous that I would reveal my true identity. It was a great game, and Dave shook my hand without hesitation. A week later, I attended a late-night party hosted by the same fraternity and met Dave again. "How did you get your voice to be so low?" asked Dave. "Uhhhh," I said with no creative excuse coming out. The rush of honesty then came out of me. "It's not that low, actually," as I spoke in my entire, brighter voice. "Oh, cool," he said, "Why did you change it around me?" Another moment of truth to reveal. "Because," as I cleared my voice, "I'm gay, and I'm afraid you won't accept me for being gay." "Nah, dude, I wouldn't do that! You're cool! If you're gay, you're gay! I'm straight, but there's nothing wrong with being gay," said Dave without skipping a beat. I finally got the message: "come on out; people will accept you for who you are." As I met more people on campus, I didn't need to keep coming out, people just accepted me for who I was, and if they wanted, we became friends. My shyness as a child and up to high school melted away, even to the point of joining the fraternity I rushed during my first fall semester. They wanted me to be there and loved me for who I am, all of it.?

The confidence and drive I gained in college immediately carried me into my first corporate job. But this time, I did not need to come out and reveal my identity to people; my colleagues just saw me, treated me with the utmost respect, and increasingly opened up their minds to learn about who I was. Comedically, only one interesting moment came up when a good friend at work nearly said, "oh man, that is so g…." and to which I said immediately, "you sure you want to say that?" He paused and said, "Oh." And then stated "Man, this assignment is so annoyingly difficult… let's rethink this…." (it was terrific to see him self-correct at that moment).?

Not every coming out story is like this. But, when I tested the waters in my world, I was so happy that I was able to surround myself with people who just accepted me for who I am: an out and proud gay man. If I had not come out of the closet, I would not be as proud of myself as I am today.

Hiding my identity has never been an option. I don't typically wear masculine clothes (I prefer tighter-fitting items like skinny jeans). My face is masculine and feminine simultaneously (depending on the angle or light). My voice is bright with a higher pitch (which can appear more feminine to some). And the mannerisms and characteristics I possess (thanks to many years of ballet and modern dance training) make up who I am: someone who is most likely gay (and I embrace all parts of myself that make me, me).?

So whoever you are, there's only one thing you can ultimately be: you and just you. And if you have a safe space with friends and/or family members who care deeply about you, you have the opportunity to be yourself around them. Open up your closet door and keep on stepping out; the people in your world are ready to accept you for you.?

The views or opinions are that of the author and are not a reflection of or an endorsement of a past or current employer.?

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