Don't you dare put women down!

All of us men (and yes, all women too) let's do our very best to think before we speak or write, lest words unwisely chosen can discourage, demean or even smash a woman's confidence. Words and phrases said in jest that may have once been somehow OK (which they weren't, in my opinion), definitely don't have their place today.

Case in point, a colleague of mine, just gave a powerful keynote speech in a Zoom conference about if she could travel back in time and advise her younger self, what would she say? 

It is critical to know that the point back in time would be the pivotal moment where she had literally just been officially recognised in her new profession and was about to embark on a highly skilled and sought-after career. A profession that takes 100% focus, discipline, and determination, not to mention sharp intelligence, both IQ and EQ. How proud, excited and curious she must have been at that precise moment, but no doubt also nervous, anxious and uncertain. 

As she described the advice she would give her younger self, I was thinking how wise it sounded, how thoughtful, measured, powerful, insightful, encouraging, strong, realistic, and how full of faith. A real and powerful boost to launch that great career and inject confidence and self-esteem.

It goes without saying that in the Q&A session that followed her speech, comments poured in that celebrated, admired and gave the big thumbs up for the great advice. Words were used like fantastic, excellent, what a moment in time, and words the same and similar to those I have used in the paragraph above. That's what we expect right?

However, it only takes one or two people to say something, especially at a pivotal, crucial moment, that can pull the rug from under your feet, knock you off balance rock your confidence, plant that poisonous seed of self-doubt that can grow and manifest into fear and limiting beliefs. Fear and limiting beliefs hold us all back and some far more than others.

I need to stress at this point that being on the receiving end of such words or comments can also, of course, have a detrimental effect on young men, as well as young women, on boys as well as girls... basically on all of us as human beings, as a person, as an individual.

One man who knows the speaker from those younger days, chose to say, you should have advised that young woman that she was never meant to be in that profession, she was far too pretty and far too gentle. He did go on to take the mickey out of himself and ridicule his appearance, etc, in front of everyone, and he may have meant those words as some form of compliment, but that simply doesn't cut it. There is no place for such words in my opinion.

My colleague's response to the words were very dignified and respectful. She 100% maintained poise and professionalism and did not not ridicule back, which would have been the easy thing to do. She maintained the moral high ground and moved to the next question.

Thank goodness the words were being said now and not at that pivotal point back in time. However, I would lay down my very last Dollar to bet that during those founding years (and beyond) my colleague would have received similar comments and I wonder how she felt when those comments came. I wanted to ask that question in the moment, but found myself holding back in order to celebrate the here and now.

I have three adult children, a daughter of 24 who has just started her career as a dentist, and who knew she wanted to be a dentist from the age of 11; a daughter who is about to turn 22, who is studying medicine and is about to start working in the community as part of her post-grad, who said at the age of 9, I'm going to be a doctor or an actress that plays a doctor; and a son of 19 who is studying to be an architect, who's dream is to be part of a highly collaborative team that designs amazing environmentally friendly and wow to look at buildings and structures in this 21st Century. 

So, I am truly Blessed and of course very proud. But the point is, what if I was to have said 10 or 15 years ago to my daughters that they were far too pretty and far too gentle to follow their dreams and become what they wanted to become? What if I had said demeaning and discouraging words to my son? What if I did that right now? What if I did that every day?

BTW, I am no Saint, and you can rest assured that whenever I, of course extremely rarely!! :-) might say something that has been a well-used phrase that doesn't cut the mustard now, my daughters pick me up on it immediately and with great conviction, confidence and passion. To my daughters, I say please never stop doing that. 

So, if you are ever on the receiving end of such comments, call it out. Help the person who's saying or writing such comments to understand the impact of what they have expressed. Make it your duty of care and responibility to yourself and others to help stamp out thoughtless words that don't add value. We are in the 21st Century, so let's celebrate what we can all achieve and all we can be, especially right now in these very challenging and uncertain times.

As a final note, having written what I've just written above, I am reminded about the last Article I wrote here on Linkedin which was about the message from the Chief of Police in Houston, Art Acevedo, in response to President Trump's instructions to the Police, in the days after the killing of #georgefloyd, to get out on the streets and dominate. Chief Acevedo said, "Let me just say this to the President of the United States. On behalf of the Police Chiefs of this country, please, if you don't have something constructive to say, keep your mouth shut!"

What do you think? Is it OK to use words and phrases in jest? How did you feel when you have been on the receiving end of words unwisely used? Do you recognise, regardless of your gender, where you may have pulled the rug from under someone's feet without realising it?.. and if so, did you correct it and how? 

Pam McLean, Ph.D. Elizabeth Van Geerestein Alexis van de Wyer Alexis Williams Isabelle Finger Mary Carey Mary Kwan Jukka Majanen Bachar Tabbara Karthik Rajaraman Martin Roll Edwige Rozier Takashi Kodaira Nida Januskis Urs Peyer Laurence Capron Ben M. Bensaou Peter Zemsky Ilian Mihov Ian Woodward Randel Carlock Austin Tomlinson Anne-Ev Juette-Enzmann Zeina Sleiman Dominique Sergent Katy Montgomery Katja Boytler 

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