Don't write checks you can't cash

Recently I made the decision to hang up my hat in the cycling industry and attempt to refocus my career to the health care profession. With that came the need to apply for disabled student status as I began to really feel the effects of my multiple brain injuries coming back and clouding my thoughts and actions regarding my studies. Biology, which has always been easy for me was a tough road (though I passed with a solid B), and chemistry was a serious struggle. Though the labs were easy (most hands-on duties are), but the memorization and math involved were so foreign to me that my feeble attempts to seek tutoring help went to no avail.

So with this application to the school for disabled student status, I had to contact my family doctor who has my history in charts of all my injuries, including my most recent one where I was involved in a car accident that left me being taken to a hospital as I was suffering from seizures and blackout episodes on the scene. This accident happened in November 2018 and I don’t know if I ever fully recovered from it. Though the fear of driving is waning, the ringing in my head, headaches, and spells of inability to concentrate have continued. Though these symptoms are not new to me, they are not improving.

I have had many hits to my head over the years. Many were from cycling and involved me wearing a helmet, but many still were from simple household accidents. One time as a teenager, my baby sister went to hug me, as I stooped down to get her, she stood up to meet me. When she did this, her head made contact with my nose with such force it knocked me back causing me to lose my balance. I fell forward into the edge of the dinner table and was instantly knocked out with a cut to my forehead (I still have the scar, some 35-years later). One could easily say I have a history of concussions.

After spending unknown hours in tubes getting scans over the years and seeing neurologists and psychologists and psychiatrists for the last 20-some years for PTSD treatments as well as continual monitoring of my brain, the official diagnosis came from my family doctor. It came on paperwork I needed to give to my school. “Chronic traumatic encephalopathy.” All my symptoms are directly related to stage III CTE, something I always knew in my heart, but always hoped I would never be told by a medical professional.

The thing with CTE, it can’t be “officially” diagnosed until after death as it is the Tau proteins found within the brain begin to elongate, become brittle and eventually separate. This causes the synapses to misfire and a general state of misfunction of the brain until dementia ensues and the brain deteriorates leading to shutting down of organ function and eventually death. No one gets out of this and most who make it this far commit suicide. But this isn’t where it needs to end. This is not where I will end.

I passed my bio and chem classes, took one day of anatomy and decided to focus on a different future. One that was more in need of fostering. My future in health care may or may not be the way forward for me, but there is no question my own health needs to be number one in my life. Without my health, I have no life to offer my son, my family, myself. It was a hard decision, one I needed to meditate on, one I needed to really sit with and even cry over. But in the end, I decided the right way forward for me was not through school, at least not right now. My way forward is for me and my mental health, my physical health, my families’ health.

So now, here I sit at the beginning of 2020. A date that holds a lot of mystique within its numbers alone. Here I am, not so much redefining myself, but rather looking to my roots in cycling. Not as a sport, but as a way to heal. Cycling has always been my doctor, my healer, psychiatrist, and confidante. Cycling was my escape from a troubled and abusive childhood and something I always leaned on as I grew up and became who I am now. 2020 marks my 38th year on two-wheels. Not a significant number by any count, but something that feels powerful in its own right.

I recently wrote that I was leaving the cycling industry, it was a piece that was read by over 13,000 people across the globe. I got 189 positive comments, many of which stated they face similar experiences I did of soulless companies based on KPI and numbers, not on the heart and soul that founded the sport, giving real life to “man’s most noble invention.” My words resonated globally, something I had not expected, something that haunted me. Reading stories from others that have had similar experiences and tenures across all sporting goods from tennis to ski, someone really felt my words and they cut deep.

I have been doing a lot of reflection since I wrote that article and even more time wondering what my next move should be. Where should I go and what should I do with myself. I have been working a hand full of freelance gigs, offering my advice and knowledge to others but this is unfulfilling. It may pay the bills but not the bills that count, the ones to my soul. It has been said to not write checks you can’t cash, and that statement rings true for one’s life, not just their bank account.

You see, we all have a moral bank account within us. This is tendered within our soul and funded by our dreams. This is the currency we use in our daily lives, the currency we pay to ourselves as well as others. It can be found in many ways; kindness, love, compassion, empathy. But this currency is worthless unless your own bank is fully funded.

Follow your heart, listen to your soul. Find your passion and fund your bank with the currency that will yield the largest return. The biggest lesson here, however, is no matter what the fight, no matter what the odds or how empty your account may be, never give up. Not on yourself, not on those you love, not on your friends. CTE for me is not a death sentence, it is not a terminal diagnosis. It is a constitution, a new doctrine to stand up to and challenge me. Stand up, stand for what I believe in, spend wildly with reckless abandon from my moral bank, and above all, believe in myself and what I can accomplish. It is by doing this that all of us can keep our own moral banks full. Consider it the FDIC insurance for the soul.

Live for yourself, stay strong in mind and resolve and be true to your passions and beliefs.