DON’T WASTE THE PAIN

We all experience difficult pains in life that impact our work.? That’s universal.? The interesting part is how pain is experienced and the nature of the impact.? The most common scenario starts with something difficult happening, say the loss of a huge client, a poor grade in graduate school, an ugly disagreement at work, or the loss of a loved one.?

Your focus is broken, and your emotions are flaring.? This is often followed by denial and blame.? It’s not in our nature to quickly step up and accept reality when it’s not a reality we wanted to face.? So, we distort reality and see and think what we need to see and think to stay sane.? You might think about who to blame, how the system is broken, or how unlucky you are.? That might work for a small period, but it never lasts.? It’s just a defensive response to difficult circumstances.?

Next is avoidance.? We don’t want to think about this issue any more than absolutely necessary.? We thus fail to process adequately, push down our emotions, say we’re fine when we’re not, and just try to bury the issue deep inside.? We don’t bring it up.? If someone else does, we quickly change the topic.? The issue is dead, or at least you’re acting like it’s dead.?

The third and final act in this horrible play is all about you not healing.? Wherever you stashed the issue deep down inside of yourself, it’ remains an unresolved festering problem.? It burns and distracts you.? Unprocessed pain means no healing.? No healing means that you’re now navigating your career in a slightly less optimized state.? When you multiply this reality across more and more pains it’s easy to imagine that your success can be hampered by the extra burdens you’re carrying inside.?

In short, we fail to realize that pain is a strong force that can be used to mold us.? Like a blacksmith using high temperatures to shape metal, our pain can be used to shape us.? Don’t waste the pain!

Instead, consider the following.? Start by acknowledging the pain.? This is not about fact finding or problem solving.? It’s just about admitting where you are and how you feel.? To admit pain is to begin possible recovery.? Find a safe spot and cry, laugh, scream – whatever is needed.? If possible, take time away from your current schedule.? That might mean time away from the office.? It might mean working different hours.? It might mean officing temporarily in a different location.? It might mean letting some project or committee move on without you.? Don’t be rash, but be proactive and find a little free space, or at least new space.? The goal is a little less stress, thus more comfort, to allow the process to continue.?

When most of the initial emotions have subsided, it’s time to seek counsel.? Sure, you’re going to start with your own counsel, but then add a person or two to the mix.? You need to finish venting a little and to hear thoughts other than your own.? A spouse or partner, a trusted colleague, or maybe a coach or mentor.? As long as they are good listeners and trustworthy, they can help you see perspectives you might not have considered alone.? It’s good to get out of your head and start reconnecting with others after some appropriate amount of recovery time.?

Next, clarify learning.? Start with the assumption that you were part of the reason this thing happened, if it is work based.? If it is external (e.g., loss of a loved one), start by asking how you should have used your time differently before the issue became a problem.? Be brutally honest and ask a bunch of questions.? How could I have acted differently?? Spoken differently?? Done something sooner or later?? Should I have acted alone or with others?? Be very clear about moving forward.? Specifically, articulate the cognitive or behavioral steps you will take to improve the situation and minimize the time to recover, learn, and reengage your work productively.? You might need to admit something to the team, apologize to a person, or even strategically reduce how much you interact with a particular issue or person.?

Finally, share your truth.? Instead of putting on your fake smiley face to ensure everyone that you’re just fine, try a small number of moments where you allow yourself to be a little more vulnerable than normal and share what you’ve learned.? It might be about how you owned a mistake and worked to change your approach to a particular issue.? It could be about how your divorce rocked you.? Maybe it’s about how you’re looking to the future despite a difficult health issue.? You’re under absolutely no obligation to share personal things with your colleagues.? But done correctly, it can be very therapeutic for you, educational for them, and motivational for the entire group.? That’s authenticity.? People feel affirmed as wonderfully imperfect creatures when others admit their imperfections.? Two or three times per year, allow a conversation to move in this type of direction.? Share an insight or story derived from the painful situation you just survived.? If they see you model learning in the face of pain, they might just do the same thing in their lives.

What is it that you have not yet fully processed?? Can you name some painful thing that happened to you over the last few years?? I’ve shared many examples with you from my life for the very reasons noted above: my weight, projects that have failed, people who do not like my work, the loss of my parents years ago, my wife’s ongoing health matters, etc.? I’m never fully naked to you, but I try to share more than you are expecting just to make a point.? So, what is it for you??

It's funny how we often seem to fight the inevitable.? Pain and loss and suffering and failures and mistakes are normal.? They have happened to you in the past and will happen again.? The best choice is to face each one honestly and as promptly as is prudent.? Let it mold you into something stronger.? Yes, this choice can be very difficult.? However, it’s so much better than carrying around all those festering issues while acting like they don’t exist.? The next time things don’t go as planned and the pain socks you in the gut, when you’re able to catch your breath, remember not to waste the pain.

WHAT’S UP WITH DR. D?

As I look back on the year, I clearly have a lot for which to be grateful.? I was able to perform as a speaker for many different organizations, including everything from a college system to a large agriculture company to a fintech player and even a major car manufacturer and their top union.? Falling in love with studying leadership and teams and relationships was a choice I made years ago based on my interest in these areas.? I had no idea it would lead me to where I am today.? Aside from sharing on stage or through a webcam, I also continued my main role as an educational content creator, helping educate and motivate another huge pile of professionals all over the world (massive thanks to the LinkedIn Learning team).? Plus, there is this little newsletter, my other posts, and whatever book I’m focused on.? I still hear from an occasional reader who loves Monsters – makes me so happy, though inevitably I have begun to think about the next book.? I’m toying with an intentionally off-color title:? F&#% THE OFFICE.? I realized I’ve not yet written a book dedicated to telling you as an individual how to maximize your career by making certain moves.? Sometimes you feel like saying F&#% the office or something similar, but it doesn’t have to be that way.? Content wise, it would not only be more individually focused, but also more biting.? Appropriate, but a touch more aggressive.? Ultimately, it’s about knowing when to be kind, when to be questioning and cautious, when and how to be adventurous, and when to draw a few lines!? Who knows – it’s just an idea right now.? Hey – did I mention my wife kicked butt this year and is still here to proofread my newsletters?? She’s tough.? It’s been a good year.? Wishing you and yours the very best for the holidays and beyond.? Thank you for your continued support of my work.? See you next year!

Until next time – go learn something, maybe help someone, or at least do something interesting!

My courses:? https://www.dhirubhai.net/learning/instructors/todd-dewett

My books:? https://tinyurl.com/yvwuvmaw

Me on stage:? https://bit.ly/3EfcDSb

Book me:? https://bit.ly/3WHeRB0?

All links in one place:? https://linktr.ee/drdewett.