Building Mental Health Awareness, Part 1: Breaking?Points

“Tara, it’s mom. Something’s wrong with your dad. Please call me.”

In 2005 I was in my mid-20s working as an administrative manager at an outpatient mental health clinic.?

My workload at the time was next to unbearable. I was always working a minimum of 60 hours a week - cleaning up internal messes, helping with billing and scheduling issues. But still, I loved what I did. I wanted to help people.?

I had no idea how over my head I was, and how intense life was about to get.?

I called my mom back. I knew exactly what my mom was talking about before hearing her utter words I never wanted to hear:

"I think your dad wants to die. I'm really scared."

I sat at my desk, dozens of other voicemails in my inbox from patients in need.

My dad had finally reached a mental breaking point with his stress,

How did he get to a mental breaking point?

My father worked for IBM for over 20 years as a salesman and sales trainer. After IBM he worked at a smattering of sales jobs, crushing every gig he had. Thanks to his success he retired early to help my mom with her tiny business as an antique postcard dealer (yep, it’s as niche as it sounds).?

The only life he’d ever known prior was one of immense pressure and stress, with zero release.?

As a kid I always assumed this as I watched him hunched over the stove every morning, sipping his coffee, eating powdered donuts and reading the paper.?

“Don’t bother him,” my mom would whisper. “He’s focusing on his day.”

What? I thought this was weird. Don't bother him? We bothered each other constantly on purpose.

My dad and I were incredibly close. Inside jokes, obsession over Beatles songs and cats (LONG before cat memes existed), the whole bit. I was his only child, how could I possibly bother him?

Being the assertive human I am, I’d occasionally go up to him on those early mornings and try to get his attention.?

“Whatcha doing, dad?”

He wouldn’t respond to me at all.

He’d just stare ahead. A robot. A zombie.

Someone who couldn’t see me or anyone at that moment - he couldn’t see anything but success or failure at a job that defined who he was as a leader, a father, a husband, a human being.

I didn’t push him. Something about it scared me.?

When he'd come home after work, I'd know how his day went without him saying a word. He'd usually barge through the door, head down, and go upstairs in silence for at least an hour. When he returned, it was as if he'd put a mask on.

Or taken one off.

This went on for YEARS. And over time things only got worse.

I wish I'd known then what I know now.

So, how does stress show up for you when things are getting to be too much at work?

What a breaking point can look like:

• Your moods feel like a rollercoaster. Your fuse is short, the thought of work (or the daunting nature of a Sunday night) makes you feel extremely anxious, upset, angry or terrified. Maybe you're like my dad was, feeling like you have to prep yourself psychologically before starting your workday to make sure you can handle what's ahead.
• Your hobbies or things you enjoy fall by the wayside. When you're constantly exhausted and stressed out, you slump into the lull of apathy. Nothing sounds fun or enjoyable.
• Relationships suffer. Arguing more with friends, family or partners? Growing up I thought it was totally normal that there was a whole lot of yelling going on. Turns out those were symptoms of something else.
• Your gut is a mess. You know the saying "trust your gut?" Our bodies send us signals all the time, but when we're stressed, busy or unable to pay attention we might miss what it's trying to tell us.
• You want to numb out. I watched my father guzzle beer after beer on weekends, which he has since shared with me was his way to escape. Whether it be drugs, alcohol or another addiction, there might be a sense of wanting to shut everything off.
• Poor sleep. Whether it be insomnia, nightmares or the want to lie in bed all day long to not face what's happening, our sleep patterns can tell us a lot about what's going on with us.

If you're currently struggling:

(NOTE: I am in no way a medical professional, nor is this advice. These are simply options that are completely dependent on you and your needs).

• Admit to yourself you're not in a good place. This is scary, right? For some reason, we feel like we're a failure if we're not in a good place. But we can't start anywhere until we're honest with ourselves.
• Ask for help. To this day, this is the #1 thing my dad wishes he would have done earlier. He felt embarrassed to ask. Please don't suffer alone. Can you think of a close friend or family member you could go to and share how you're feeling?
• Seek out professional help. There is ZERO - and I mean ZERO shame in getting therapy. Although the stigma around it has changed over the years, this can be a point of pride built on a culture where we think we can take care of everything on our own. You deserve help.
• And if you're not struggling yourself but recognize these signs in someone you care about, reach out. Check in. This doesn't mean you have to make assumptions, this means you simply care enough to inquire.

We're often moving so fast we don't take the time to recognize when we need to take a beat and re-evaluate how we're doing.

My dad's boss was never going to tell him "hey, maybe you're pushing yourself too hard, be gentle on yourself." And so, my dad kept pushing.

We have the freedom to take care of ourselves, so let's do that.

Part 2: Don't Wait Until You Break: Working When Life Gets Tough coming soon.