Don't Turn a Person Into a Project

How would you feel if you were told, “You’re perfect except for your personality?”

Have you ever seen an article with a headline that says something like:

·????????“How to Make Him More Loving?”

·????????“How to Get Him to Help with the Kids.” Or

·????????“How to Get Him to Listen.”

These pieces are great for selling magazines or clickbait, but they give false hope. I’m going to share a massive dose of reality. Fully formed adults generally aren’t thrilled about people trying to change them. Even worse, often, they won’t change. They’ll only change if they see a benefit to doing so. The older a person is, the more your efforts to change them will become a source of irritation. Don’t waste your time.

If you're past 40, you’ve experienced ups and downs, wins and failures. You’re a fully formed adult. The person you’ll choose will be a fully formed adult. That doesn’t necessarily mean they’re mature, responsible, or kind. But they’re fully formed. Once we pass our twenties, our brains stop developing, and we start becoming stuck in how we do things, how we interact, solve problems, and more. Adults may be open-minded to new concepts or ideas. But they don’t have sponge-like brains like children.

Consider the moments when you’ve said, “He’d be perfect if he’d just (followed by some major behavioral or personality change).” You put time, energy, and angst into encouraging this person to be sensitive, honest, a better listener, share their feelings, etc. Trying to change something fundamental about a person isn’t unconditionally loving. I don’t care how you couch it in sweet words; it’s not loving. After all, if you love someone, doesn’t that mean accepting them even with their flaws? Yes, it does. You’re trying to turn them into a project – and that’s not okay. The person you’re attempting to change may not be capable of loving and caring for you as you need to be loved. Move on. Seriously. Do you think you’re the first person trying to change them? You’re only asking for frustration when you try to change a fully formed adult.

Our relationship works because Ernie and I accept each other. It was in our wedding vows. I’m not perfect, and neither is he. Don’t waste time trying to change the personality of someone you profess to love. They’re not a project; they’re a person.

More importantly, wouldn’t all that time and attention be better invested in working on yourself? Focus on becoming the best version of you that you can be. Your return on investment will be far greater. Stop wasting time. Focus on finding a person who’s naturally sweet, kind, loving, honest, bright, and a good listener.

I’ll share a secret most people don’t consider. Here's one way to change a person that’s far easier. Let’s be honest. Some single people are easy to miss. The guy in baggy khakis and button-down shirts three sizes too big. The one who wears a hairstyle from the 1970s and wire-rimmed glasses. Naturally, you think that’s not my type. After all, it’s normal to want an attractive-looking partner.

When I met Ernie, even though he had a full head of hair, he wore it plastered across his head with wire-rim glasses, like an Indian engineer. He wore pleated pants that bagged out and made him look like he had a pooch when he had a 33-inch waist. His shirts were baggy, shapeless, and sometimes frayed. Yet I could see he had a nice physique because remember; he was wearing shorts and a tee-shirt the day we met. No, he wasn't built like Mr. America, but he had a nice body. His smile made my heart melt and still does today. So, as they say in real estate, he had great bones to start. But appearance isn’t fundamental to who many people are. They’re not attached to their look. In fact, some would like to change but don’t know how.

?One day, when you’re being playful, play with his hair a little during an easy moment. He thinks he’s getting a nice head massage. Say, “Wow, your hair would look good like this.” Keep it light. If he shows any interest say, “Let me show you.” Take his hand and pull him to the nearest mirror. Men usually aren’t attached to a “personal style.” But they don’t want to seem like they care. Don’t insult how he looks now. Say, “This would look so handsome.” Before going for his next haircut, give him a picture to hand his hair stylist or barber.

Next time there’s a gift-giving holiday, give him the type of shirt you think he’ll look great in. Don’t go crazy with high style; you don’t want him to feel ridiculous. Make it age-appropriate, so he doesn’t want to hide. Go to the refrigerator for a beverage and say, “Hon, let me see your new shirt.” Remove any pins. Give him a smile and a big thumbs up. Tell him how much you like the color and cut. Say, “You should have a lot of shirts like this.” If he wears baggy shirts, explain how they should fit. Show him where the shoulder seam should lie, etc. Once he has a few nice shirts say, “Hon, I don’t know if you’re aware of it or not, those pleated pants are really out of style. With all your great new shirts, you need some modern-looking pants to go with them.”?

If he wears glasses, the next time he goes to pick out new frames, offer to come along as his "style consultant." He needs the right frames to go with his new haircut. He'll be grateful for the help. You’ll get him out of the ugly frames and into something stylish. Tell him his new glasses make his face look stronger and in charge, like a CEO. Don’t say he looks “cute.” Tell him he looks masculine, strong, and like he lost a few pounds if he needs to lose weight.

Suddenly he’ll want your advice on all his fashion choices. If he wears baggy pants, get him nicely fitting jeans or slacks, but not crazy ones. If his jacket or coat looks like your grandfather’s, get him a black or brown leather jacket for his birthday or a deserved holiday. Your help and suggestions signal that you see him as a cool guy on the inside, not a nerd. Gradually he’ll look like the guys you always wished would ask you out or the ones who ghosted you that you wanted to date.

Many beautiful people are used to getting what they want. They’ve learned they can get away with treating a partner poorly. They’re used to eager partners falling in bed with them. Women are used to dates who spend a lot of money. Men are the “bad boys” who treat dates poorly or don't call back. They get away with giving the minimum due to their good looks.

Your new partner started out a little dumpy. He always had to work harder to get a job, get a date, or get sex. He learned over the years to use better manners, be more kind, and listen. Over time with encouragement and compliments, you can spruce up a person's outward appearance, and he’ll still be the kind, caring person who wants someone to love for the rest of his life because that’s how he was raised.?

My friend Debbie was a successful Realtor. Beautiful and energetic; she had three grown sons. When she met Jack, she was less than impressed. We joked about his “boring guy” looks the following day while out walking. Even though there were a few awkward moments on their first date, she liked his gentlemanly ways, his smile, and the fact that he insisted on paying for dinner, walked her to her car, and didn’t push her to “get lucky.” He was respectful. She always said she wanted a man who would make her laugh, and he didn’t do that, “But maybe he’s a little nervous,” she said, cutting him some slack.

After noting my success with Ernie, she decided to give him a chance. And another. One Sunday morning, she excitedly texted me, “Jack has six-pack abs!”

“What?” I replied.

“Wow! What a body he’s got!” She told me they went to the beach the day before, and for the first time, she saw him without his baggy shirt and droopy pants.

I told her how I gradually changed Ernie’s outer appearance. After several dates, Debbie could see Jack was sweet, kind, caring, and intelligent. He just wasn’t a fashionista. Within six months, Jack was proudly sporting a new look. Debbie was delighted to be happily involved with a guy who was the total package. They laughed and enjoyed each other all the time. “To think I almost tossed him aside! I would’ve missed out on such a great guy,” she said.???

Don't waste time trying to turn an insensitive, uncaring, but beautiful dolt into a sweetheart. They’re fully formed adults and will resist change to their personality, behaviors, etc. After all, their boorish behavior has worked for them so far, right? Instead, start with a sweetheart of a person and gently help them look a little better.