Don't Try to Fix People's Problems - You Can't

[Note: Actionable Tips at the end of this article]

Here's a familiar scenario: An associate shares with her co-worker that she's feeling stretched and stressed lately. There's not enough time to complete all the many projects she has going, and she continues to get new assignments before completing older ones. Her well-meaning co-worker immediately jumps in with some "helpful" advice: "Ok, here's what you need to do ASAP! Wake up an hour earlier, AND go to sleep an hour later, AND cancel all your personal plans for the next month, AND review all of your documents over the weekend, AND organize your files over the weekend, too, AND create an action plan, AND, AND, AND..."

What's wrong with offering solutions and guidance in this manner? The associate may have been feeling overwhelmed already, but after this interaction with her colleague, she is most likely feeling even more anxious and pressured than she did before stepping into his office.

The "fix-it" approach often creates more problems, and unless one person goes to another with a specific request for suggestions and solutions, it's unsolicited advice that blocks the individual attempting to share her situation.

We play the role of "fixer" often when people come to us with a conundrum. It may be a colleague, as in the scenario just described, or our client, child or friend who is dealing with a difficulty. We care or worry about them, or believe they've come to us because we're experienced experts. Why else would someone come to us to relate a problem if not to receive our advice and solution?

Fixing is a communication blocker because when we're in that mode, we tend to cut the other person off, jump to conclusions, and treat symptoms rather than address underlying sources. We play the role of expert, claiming to have a comprehensive and authoritative knowledge about the other person and their life. This is usually an unconscious claim, because we certainly don't intend to tell others we know more about their experiences and feelings than they do. The result is just the same as if we were aware that we were offering our position without fully understanding the person or their problem: We block the one attempting to connect with us.

Men, Women and Fixing

Generally, fixing is considered to fall under the "typical male" response in a two-way conversation between a man and a woman. Consider this example: A wife tells her husband about her tough day at work. She's had enough of doing all the heavy lifting while her co-worker shares equal credit for completing less than a fraction of each project. Her husband is more upset about the situation than she appears to be and takes over the conversation with concerned commands: "I know what it feels like to be taken advantage of, and I seriously recommend that this is what you do from this moment on! Let your supervisor know all you've been doing to manage each project so effectively, AND don't share every bit of information you get with your lazy co-worker, AND learn the art of self promotion and make sure everyone in the office knows who's really getting the job done, AND email your boss when you accomplish tasks and don't copy your co-worker, AND delegate to your staff and have them report directly to you, AND start looking out for number one more frequently, AND speak up at staff meetings more when you have an opportunity to shine, AND, AND, AND..."

In one of the workshops I facilitated, a male participant said his wife has asked him to "stop taking out the power tools" and to instead "be the bucket" when she was talking about her day. This couple found a useful metaphor to get out of the patterned gender-based communication cycle with the woman as complainer and the man as fixer, or wife as damsel in distress and husband as knight in shining armor. Not all men are fixers, and many women in maternal and supervisory roles hurry to fix a problem shared by their child, subordinate or student. Many of us feel that it's our responsibility to offer solutions and advice that could make others' lives easier and better once they put our good intentions to work in their favor. Again, there's a presumption here that:

1. Our solutions are needed to fix the problem, and

2. We understand the issue in its entirety and therefore know what to do about it.

The Expert Trap

Fixing is more about the person providing the solutions needing or wanting to sound smart and right than about the person voicing the problem being heard and understood. When we're fixing because we are trying to play the role of expert, it's often our egos that get in the way, not allowing us to focus on the person or their individual case. We can create more problems with solutions that are based on previous experiences, unrelated to the issue at hand, or ones that stem from a desire to establish our competence and credibility, without fully hearing the person out.

When We're the Ones Being "Fixed"

Many times, we find ourselves on the opposite side of the interaction, getting blocked by advice that makes our problem bigger than it is or advice that misses the mark completely. We attempt to bring someone in on a dilemma, and we've hardly disclosed a quarter of the story before a to-do list is blasted our way. Perhaps we were just hoping for a sounding board? Or maybe we've already resolved the problem but wanted to share our story, which they'd realize if they didn't get to fixing the issue that's already been handled.

We feel blocked when we're not looking for the other person to play the role of fixer. It often makes us feel more anxious when we're hit with a list of al the things we should be doing or should have done. There's an underlying lack of trust in our ability to take appropriate action, and doubt from the other side about our capacity to handle ourselves and our situation. We didn't ask to be fixed, but the other person in the interaction spoke to us as if we were broken. Why else would they rush to offer us ways to repair our relationships or circumstances?

Tips to Stop Fixing

1. Guide others to create and not react by helping them focus on what they want instead of what they want to do away with.
2. Serve as a sounding board and help them arrive at their own conclusions, form their own perspectives and see different solutions to the situation.
3. Champion them by providing encouraging words, reminding them of past successes, and sincerely believing that they're capable.
4. Share your method for arriving at decisions, but avoid deciding for them.
5. Steer the conversation to focus on desirable outcomes and the actions they need to take to achieve them.

How to Stop the Fixer

1. Let them know you want them to hear you out completely before jumping in with advice, as helpful as it might be.
2. Ask the person to serve as a sounding board, allowing you to name pros and cons to help you arrive at your own decision.
3. If true, tell them you've resolved the situation, or think you know what you're going to do about it - but want to run it by them to see if you've missed anything.
4. Ask them to relate their way of solving problems or arriving at decisions, and see if those approaches might be helpful in your case.
5. Tell them you just need them to be good listeners right now so you can vent and let out your frustrations.

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Lee Broekman is a communication coach and trainer with a mission to make the world a better place, one communicator at a time. Her company Organic Communication works with high level leaders and trains decision makers in top organizations to communicate, collaborate and innovate naturally and effectively. Delivering programs in concentrated bursts, with high intensity and elevated engagement, Lee turns powerful content into actionable, applicable tools. Her recent book, Stop Blocking, Start Connecting: 8 Key Skills of Successful Communicators, is available on Amazon.

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