Don't Be That-Coffee-Shop-That-Shall-Not-Be-Named
Flick Wileman
On Maternity Leave Until September 2025 ?? | MSc HRM Masters Studier ?? | Global Wellbeing & Engagement Lead
We’ve all been there. You order your favourite coffee from That-Coffee-Shop-That-Shall-Not-Be-Named and on the outside, you’re waiting patiently for it to arrive, whilst internally you’re berating the service because you’re knackered from your late-night stint you pulled to hit a deadline.
But it’s safe to say that if your name features on the UKI Office of National Statistics Top Baby Names list* on an annual basis, you’ll be leaving with your correct identity. If not – or if it even remotely tests the boundaries of a-typical British dialect or pronunciation – you have no choice but to begrudgingly take your cup with your involuntary pseudonym tattooed on it like a branding iron to your soul. Even as a white, cisgender female, I struggle to be labelled correctly in this context. Worst of all, my name when written all in capitals – FLICK – means I inevitably offend passers-by with a calligraphic obscenity scrawled on my receptacle.
We can all breathe a sigh of relief and rest assured that the vast majority of CEOs of Fortune500 and FTSE100 companies will get out unscathed, as most of them are called Michael or James*. But for the rest of us coffee pariahs, we feel labelled. We are stripped of our sense of self. Even worse, some of us even resort to conforming; giving a name that we know they will be comfortable with spelling so that we aren’t tempted to try to correct them and in the process, hold up the queue and have vulgarities thrown at us by the James behind us, who has never had to fight for his correct coffee caption. It’s a choice between expediency and identity disenfranchisement, versus being a social outcast. As humans, we often opt for the latter, as belongingness, friendship and security are fundamental needs*.
This is not an attempt to minimise a very serious topic, but instead, my effort to stimulate recognition amongst those who have never suffered with the representation of their identity in everyday life, outside of That-Coffee-Shop-That-Shall-Not-Be-Named; recognition of the fact that for many, this is a problem which manifests itself daily, in much more serious and suffocating ways.
Gender pronouns are words that an individual would like others to use when talking to or about them; this latter part is very important, as authentic allyship is consideration of others even when they’re not there, not just when you’re in an LGBTQ+ training session and under the scrutiny of your colleagues. Pronouns can be, “he, him, his” and “she, her, hers”, but there are others. People who are transgender or gender nonconforming may choose to use pronouns that don't align to binary male/female gender categorisations, such as "they, them, theirs."
A topical discussion for a while now has been the use of pronouns, both on social media and on email signatures. When discussing this recently, I heard someone ask, “when did this become a thing?”. When I asked what they meant, they responded, “when did it become a thing that people could just choose their gender, or choose to not have a gender at all?”. I guarantee that some of you were already thinking this whilst reading.
Well, let me tell you that prior to the 17th Century, everyone was known by the gender-neutral terms “Thy” and “Thee”*, so shouldn’t the more pertinent question be, when did society feel it was acceptable to assume that generic pronouns should take the masculine form?* Most corporate and commercial contracts usually use male pronouns, irrespective of the assigned sex of the parties involved (gender identity doesn’t stand a chance!*) and we still use terms such as “chairman” in the workplace.
As outlined by Meg-John Barker and Alex Iantaffi in their book, ‘Life Isn’t Binary’*; “It’s a common assumption that only non-binary people care about nonbinary issues: that queer theory is only for queer people, that only people of colour need to talk about racism”. But if you have been reading this thinking that this topic doesn’t apply to you, you may be wrong. It’s also now a subject for discussion that de-gendering should be universally applied. The argument is that highlighting gender can still disadvantage women, so we should unsex the subservient Alexa – who is subconsciously promoting that a woman will do exactly as she is asked, when she is asked - promote gender neutrality and more accessibly use they/them pronouns to remove bias and discrimination, even for those who are cisgender*. The enforcement of androgynous wording for everyone might happen sooner than we think.
Furthermore, a good cisgender, relatable scenario is that you might identify as divorced and no longer want to be called “Mrs”, as this may now represent to you, a hierarchical terminology that demonstrates that you ‘belong’ to your now ex-husband. But according to society, you should identify as “Ms”, rather than “Miss”, which you may also feel raises some eyebrows about why you’re identifying in this way, which may also cause you discomfort. Some individuals feel that “Miss” is too ‘young’ for anyone under a certain age*. I obviously have to highlight that cisgender men would not have to deal with this problem at all; a prime example of default privilege.
Infuriating, isn’t it? No wonder our Gen-Z descendants are breaking out of these oppressive, ridiculous notions*. Who decided that men wear trousers? Who decided that women should wear pretty dresses? Once we see these for what they are – social constructs – we will understand that names and pronouns operate in exactly the same way.
Now that we understand the pain of misgendering and labelling, let’s highlight why the use of pronouns is important. Because I've never had dysphoria about my gender identity in my life, I historically never gave much thought to my pronouns; but language does matter. Declaring your pronouns publicly is to be an LGBTQ+ ally, as it can aid de-stigmatisation, normalisation, and help to end gendered assumptions.
Concealing your true identity can be exceptionally isolating and causes feelings of loneliness, stigma and shame. However, standing out as a trans or non-binary person can make someone a target for discrimination or violence, leaving many trans or non-binary people with an impossible dichotomy. Displaying your pronouns as a cisgender person standardises the practice of asking pronouns and not assuming gender and tells people that you will respect their identity.
For those of you that feel uncomfortable with this notion, I must highlight that the vast majority of those reading this article (and me, writing this article) need to come to terms with the fact that – scientifically speaking – we are WEIRD; Western, Educated, Industrialised, Rich, and Democratic*. WEIRD people make up a large proportion of scientific research, yet only make up 12% of the world’s population*. Despite this, we see the world through our own lens and unless the subject matter looks just like us, we reject it. But in reality, life outside of our very delineated microscope isn’t binary*. Just because we’ve never experienced it before, or it doesn’t fit our template, or we feel we can’t define or measure it, doesn’t make it wrong, just significantly under-represented and unexplored.
So throughout Representation week – and beyond - I urge you to learn, demystify and invite others to teach you. By using pronouns, but also through being open-minded, using neutral language, calling out bigoted behaviour, getting involved in the activity and most importantly, confronting your own prejudices and bias, even if it’s uncomfortable to do so.
Because on the odd occasion that we receive our cup and our name is spelt correctly, we’re pleasantly surprised. We are happy and empowered; we’re not forced to pretend to be someone we’re not so as not to cause a problem, we drink our own coffee and we mind our own business.
Don’t be That-Coffee-Shop-That-Shall-Not-Be-Named – make the effort to get someone’s identity correct. Because we can’t strive for excellence or seek out new opportunities without a diversity of thought. Because if we’re going to put people first, we put ALL people first. Because shared success can’t be truly shared unless we include everyone. And because being inclusive is always the right thing to do.
Written by Flick Wileman – Talent Acquisition Lead, UKI & Women@Reckitt UK Lead
References
3.McLeod, S. (2007). Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Simply psychology, 1, 1-8.
4.https://las.illinois.edu/news/2020-01-29/tracing-history-gender-neutral-pronouns
6.Barker, M. J., & Iantaffi, A. (2019). Life isn’t binary. London, UK: Jessica Kingsley Publishers
7.https://blogs.scientificamerican.com/voices/why-we-should-all-use-they-them-pronouns/
8.https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-40530920
10.Science Scene. WEIRD People. Retrieved from: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dzxGFBel88
11.American Psychological Association: https://www.apa.org/monitor/2010/05/weird
Director, Frazer Jones - HR Appointments, Midlands, North & Scotland
3 年This is brilliantly written Flick!..????????????
European Head of Talent Acquisition, Employer Brand and EVP lead, collaborative and influential people leader. Passionate about Diversity, inclusion and belonging and social sustainability
3 年Excellent article flick. Well done ??
HR Business Partner | DEI champion | Change Professional
3 年???? Happy Pride!
Business Director - Ireland
3 年Fantastic piece Flick. This is such an important message to highlight. Loved it.
On maternity leave until January 2025! Head of Supply Chain & Engineering - South
3 年Great article Flick!