Don’t Take Things So Personally

I wrote a blog last week called “Should Leaders Show Emotion?” It produced an overwhelmingly positive response - I have never had such a high ratio of likes and comments, and it seemed to strike a nerve. In short, readers agreed with me that using (not just showing) emotions in an authentic way is one of the hallmarks of a great leader. This is all well and good, but there are always consequences: 

Once emotions are let loose, they are open to interpretation.

Many of us (myself included) have a tendency to overthink things. We see ourselves at the center of our own little universe, and tend to assume that things revolve around us a little more than they do. I’m not sure that I would call it paranoia, but to a small extent that is what I am talking about. When someone gets angry, we wonder if we have contributed to it. If someone is disappointed, we hope that we haven’t let them down. I am sure that you can think of some other examples.

The emotionally charged office is not an easy place for the insecure minds amongst us – and hey, let’s face it, that is most of us at some time or another. For some of us, it takes a superhuman effort not to get involved in all the emotional “games” – it is all too easy to fall victim to emotional “Chinese whispers” in a competitive office environment. The moment you show that you are prone to caring about what other people “say” and “think” (even if it doesn’t concern you directly), you become a pawn for the manipulative politicians of the office. When you take things like this personally (for no overt reason), that is when the bullies have a field day.

However, it is not only the bullies that can get under your skin. In the heat of the moment, it is so easy for even the most innocent of comments to be taken the wrong way. This is when you have to listen to the words and seek the meaning underneath the emotions.

Your boss may be having a tough day, but when he fixes his gaze on you in that meeting and says that some people need to pull their socks up, don’t automatically assume that he is talking about you. If there are no grounds for him to think that, you don’t have anything to worry about. Even so, he looked at you, he seemed upset – maybe you have misread things?

You also need to see the bigger picture. If your boss does this on a regular basis and seems to “pick on” people indiscriminately, then you can look at the situation a little more dispassionately. It’s not you, it’s them. So simple, so true, but so hard to tell yourself when your skin is so thin. 

There is much more to this issue than telling someone to “ignore” the emotional messages that they don’t agree with, but actually the trick to a thicker skin is relatively simple. When you feel “under attack” for whatever reason, try to understand what they are saying rather than how they are saying it. Ignore the tone of their voice, their facial expressions and their clenched fists. Don’t overanalyze why they seem so emotional (you’ll never get to the bottom of it anyway). Just think about the message rather than the way that it is being delivered. That way, you’ll get the information that you need, but will be able to filter out the (sometimes) unhelpful emotions.

So, in conclusion, yes, leaders can get emotional, but only when the emotions are consistent with the message that they are trying to get across. Otherwise, emotions have a tendency to cloud the issue.

Please share your thoughts in the comments section below as I learn just as much from you. I write a daily blog on leadership, innovation, careers, tech & self improvement. Here are some other articles I have written. If you like what you read, please feel free to follow me here on LinkedIn or via twitter @anuragharsh.