Are We Shaming Behavior or Shaping It?
A lot of us are doing things in new ways these days. We're holding staff meetings and conferences virtually. We're tele-commuting and working from home. We need to enforce new policies about wearing a mask and social distancing.
And anytime people do something new, they make mistakes.
And when people make mistakes, it's tempting to tell them what they SHOULD have done.
But that doesn't help. In fact, it often makes things worse.
Why? Because people can't undo the past.
Even if what we're saying is right, people will still resent us because we're making them feel bad and we're not showing them how to do it better.
Which is why, starting today, if someone makes a mistake, let's choose to shape their behavior instead of shoulding or shaming it.
Let's point out how they can do it right next time instead of why they did it wrong this time. This helps people learn from their mistakes vs. lose face over their mistakes.
Here are three steps that can help us be a coach vs. a critic next time something goes wrong.
Three Steps to SHAPE Behavior So People Do Better Next Time
- Focus on the FUTURE instead of the PAST by saying with:
"From now on ...."
"In the future ...."
"If this happens again ...."
Do you see how this changes the conversation to what people CAN DO instead of what they CAN'T UNDO? Focusing on how to do it right next time, instead of on what they did wrong this time, is a way to manage mistakes with grace. It is the key to people being able to hear what we're saying vs. simmering in resentment because they feel scolded and shamed.
2. Articulate the desired behavior instead of the dreaded behavior.
Athletes focus on what they DO want - make the short, get this serve in, hang onto the ball - instead of what they DON'T - don't miss this shot, don't double fault, don't drop the ball.
We need to do the same with employees and customers.
Articulate what we do want "Next time, be five minutes early to respect the team" instead of what we don't, "You were late again. That really disrepects the other staff members."
Start with a warm greeting, "Welcome to our store.Thank you for wearing a mask" instead of a warning, "You can't come in because you're not wearing a mask."
"From now on, please bring your medical card with you," instead of "You should have brought your medical card with you."
3. Clarify why the suggested behavior is more effective or beneficial.
When people make a mistake, we sometimes double-down on it by focusing on all the problems it's going to cause, which makes the person feel worse.
It's more gracious to point out how this will save money or time, improve morale, produce better results. Now, our suggestion makes sense and people are more likely to do it.
For example, "You should have told me you didn't understand the system. Now this will take us twice as long" doesn't give the person who made the mistake anywhere to go.
Saying,"From now on, if you're not sure how to use the system, please ask Mary. She's worked with it for years and can save you time."
Instead of "You should have brought that up during our Zoom call. Now we're going to have to send a follow-up email to everyone" say, "In the future, if you have any questions, please bring them up during our Zoom call so we can be sure everyone's clear on how to proceed."
Turn "You shouldn't have told that customer that item's out of stock" say, "Next time a customer wants something we're out of, please tell them, 'I'll be happy to order that for you."
Aretha Franklin said, "We all want and require R-E-S-P-E-C-T, man or woman, black or white. It's our basic human right."
She's right.
People make mistakes. And if wechoose to coach and shape their behavior instead of criticize and shame it, people will be more willing to learn new skills because they trust they'll be treated with respect even if, especially if, they get it wrong the first time.
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