Don't Say the "M" Word!
Whoever enters here honors me; whoever doesn’t- pleases me.
-Friedrich Nietzsche
Live Yet Pre-recorded- Episode IX of:
Don’t Say the “M” Word!
A Silent Radio Hour: Live Yet Pre-Recorded
J: Welcome back cherished listeners to our ‘A Silent Radio Hour’! I’m Jonathan and this’ my brother Drew!
D: And we are still most definitely not the Property Brothers!
J: Today we continue to examine life within the multinational corporation Com.com as we resume our assessment of the Fulfillment Center or FC and how it functions within the life of its Confederates.
D: And so what is a Confederate brother Jonathan?
J: A Confederate’s simple an FC worker!
D: Great! But before we do that brother Jonathan, I’d like to share with our cherished listeners a story I read in the morning newspaper.
J: You actually read a physical, morning newspaper, Drew?
D: Everyday!
J: But they’re full of FN!
D: What’s FN?
J: FAKE NEWS! And besides, you can go online and get all the stories you want while easily clicking the mouse!
D: And this’ how you keep you with what’s happening in our world today?
J: Hell no! Takes too much time! I set my PC on flash hyper-drive and surf the website manicmedia.com ? and set it all on auto-pilot what with its Agitator-Drive or AD whose frenzied algorithm already knows what it is I want to know: TheTruth or TT! And not that Stupid Ass Scratching FAKE NEWS or SASFN!
D: Whatever! May I get to my story which I read in the Stupid Ass Scratching FAKE NEWS or SASFN?
J: Please be my guest brother Drew!
D: The Headline reads as this: ‘Com.com unveils its in-house delivery system!’
J: Fascinating!
D: Frightening!
J: Why?
D: Would you really trust an amoral, self-serving, money-oriented, totally grasping, egocentric multinational corporation with easy access to your home?
J: In a Seattle spilt/second! As fast as the data explodes!
D: But here’s the thing! Let’s imagine that you’re stupid enough…
J: Ass Scratchingly Stupid or ASS!
D: Correct! Let’s imagine that you’re an ASS and you want your Stupid Ass Scratching Stuff or SASS delivered inside your house instead of on your easy access to thieves’ doorstep!
J: May I interrupt for a moment brother Drew?
D: Absolutely not!
J: See here’s the thing! Why not just go on down to the brick and mortar retail outlet and get your Stupid Ass Scratching Stuff or SASS than and there? No waiting! Same day delivery without the extra fees! No muss! No fuss! Easy as pie!
D: Kind of what I’ve been saying! So why do we go online and shop while hammering the mouse incessantly?
J: The convenience brother Drew! For the convenience!
D: Continuing with my physical newspaper story!
J: FAKE NEWS ALERT!
D: Whatever! In the article, it was revealed that if you wanted in-home delivery you’d be required to be a PatronPartner or PP, and buy the in-home deliver system equipment, exclusively through Com.com by the way, which sets you back starting at three hundred bucks! Not to mention the annual PP fee! And no ComBucks or CBs accepted!
J: Still, think of the convenience!
D: Whatever! Continuing! Let’s imagine that you have an account with Com.com or ComAccount, a CA, and you’ve fallen behind on your payments!
J: Please go on!
D: Now how this system works is like this. In your in-home delivery system packet, you’ll receive a special lock which can only be activated via wifi by Com.com Technical or CCT who are veiled in the CamCloud or CC and they will be the only ones able to open your door allowing your package to be set inside your home.
J: So far so good!
D: And so you think! But here’s the thing! Let suggest that Com.com, as most, oh hell, all multinational corporations, only want your money and really don’t give a hairy rat’s ass about your well being!
J: They wouldn’t dare!
D: Oh yes they would! Now back to being behind with your ComAccount or CA payment! What do you think is going to happen if you’re late with Com.com’s Vital Operating Capital or VOC?
J: Late fees!
D: And?
J: Endless phone calls filled with some very harsh language!
D: And what else is going to happen if your payment isn’t being made brother Jonathan?
J: Please tell me brother Drew!
D: Imagine this scenario Jonathan! You’ve had a hard day’s work at the renovation project; the episode director’s been a complete ass and the camera crew’s done nothing but bicker all day! Not to mention, HGTV’s been a complete hard-ass concerning the upcoming negotiation of next year’s contract! Hey, you just wanna go home, take off the plaid flannel shirt and your comfy worker boots, pour a glass of really nice merlot and chill for awhile maybe watching the ballgame!
J: Life’s great being an HGTV mega-star!
D: Just my point! But here we must reiterate that we are Jonathan and Drew!
J: Who are most certainly not the Property Brothers!
D: But listen! You’re behind on your payment to Com.com as your ComAccount or CA has grown exponentially! Actually, you’ve been setting fire as you’ve maxed-out your account and are now ignoring the calls and warning from TheMightyCom concerning your late minimum payment! What’s to be done?
J: Call those wonderful people at ComInternational Bank and ask for an increase in my credit access line?
D: They’d laugh at you! And then yell at you like crazy!
J: They wouldn’t!
D: Yes they would!
J: So what’s going to happen to me brother Drew?
D: The situation’s going to go something like this!
J: You’ve got me a little frightened brother Drew!
D: You will be!
J: Very good Yoda imitation there brother Drew!
D: Thanks! Anyway, here’s what to expect! Remember how you laid out all that money, on your ComAccount or CA by the way, and you’re all set-up via Wifi by Com.com Technical or CCT who is veiled in the CamCloud or CC and they will be the only ones able to open your door allowing your package to be set inside your home?
J: Go on!
D: Well you’ve made it to your front door and already have your plaid flannel shirt unbuttoned and ready to be taken off! You scan your front door key card and voila!
J: Voila? What’s just like voila brother Drew?
D: Nothing happens! You’ve been locked out of your own home by the wonderful people at Com.com’s CamCloud or CC who are at this very moment laughing their collective asses off as your panicked yet furious phone call to those wonderful people at ComInternational Bank who have placed you on hold even as the artificial, simulated, extremely replicated, virtual voice of the call center’s computer howls while laughing at you and your situation! ‘Dumb Ass’ all around as the laughing continues!
J: So what do I do brother Drew?
D: Sell some blood! Pimp yourself and your hammer out! Who knows? But whatever you do, get that minimum payment in or else you’re not getting back into “your” own home!
J: This sucks!
D: As it was designed to brother Drew! As it was designed!
J: Who designed this monstrous system?
D: Why those wonderful people at Com.com in conjunction with those truly marvelous cretins at ComInternational Bank who’ve been given a blank check by all those Ass Scathingly Stupid or ASS willing participants giving free reign over their financial lives when they scroll to the button of the page and click ‘I agree’ thusly signing their puny little lives’ away!
J: Bullshit!
D: Ballistic Bullshit!
J: Thermonuclear Bullshit!
D: Up to your waist in the Big-Muddy Bullshit!
J: Having to go to bed with ‘no supper’ Bullshit!
D: Let’s face the facts: Bullshit’s here to stay as we continue on with our pointless little lives in the face of the mighty corporations which cover the earth as if a plague; the pestilence of which has infected our world completely!
J: Let’s move on to something else brother Drew!
D: Would be a pleasure brother Jonathan!
W: More tea hons?
J&D: Yes please!
D: How about I tell you a tale about The Monkey and the Cave Dwellers?
J: Oh goody! I like your stories brother Drew!
D: It goes something like this: At the dawn of history as humankind played out their puny little lives sheltered in caves large and small, an event took place which would disrupt the future if not further evolution of humanity: boys and girls alike!
J: I’m a boy! And I certainly like girls!
D: Yes you are and okay, you certainly do! Now in a place of unknown origin, perhaps the Asian Continent possibly the African plans even the Americas, who knows? A single primate brought about a change in how we all behave. Here’s the tale:
J: What was this change?
D: Listen! Outside what was known by its proprietor Zen Master Milo as The Fire Café a lone monkey seemed to be laughing at its human inhabitants hysterically. For this primate the sight of beings that stood on two legs like himself was comical to say the least. Who were these impostors who acted as the apes did?
J: Who were they brother Drew?
D: Quiet! For you see, part of the monkey was not amused! He felt that these creatures had some nerve in standing upright.
J: Some nerve indeed!
D: Okay, yes, they scratched their asses as the monkeys did. They laughed out loud as did the apes. They sang stupid songs all the time, as did the primates, merely being honest by the way. And they pissed and defecated and belched and behaved rudely as did the monkeys. To be straightforward with you, they were very much similar to one another and so the lone monkey deduced.
J: Simple evolution brother Drew! Simple evolution!
D: But listen! There was one thing they didn’t do like the monkeys.
J: What was that brother Drew?
D: They never went out alone by themselves to mastur…
J: Don’t Say the “M” Word brother Drew!
D: Wouldn’t think about it!
J: Don’t want to be censored once again!
D: Continuing!
J: With what? The tale or the verbal mastur…
D: Don’t Say the “M” Word!
J: Sorry! Wouldn’t think about it!
D: Anyway, what nerve those creatures standing on two feet had! Hey, what’s a monkey to think when he’s being slighted in such fashion?
J: And just what did the monkey teach those Stupid Ass Scratching Humans or SASH?
D: Teach the buggers a lesson in The Fine Art of Mastur…
J: Don’t Say the “M” Word!
D: Wouldn’t think about it!
J: Thanks! Don’t want to be censored once again!
D: Might be a good thing!
J: What’s that?
D: Having you censored!
J: Not the zip-zip! We’ve spoken about this brother Drew!
D: Sorry!
J: Apology accepted!
D: I’m not apologizing! I’m just sorry that you won’t do the zip-zip as Babe already has enough grandchildren already! Now can I get back to the story?
J: Please do! I love your stories brother Drew!
D: Excellent! On tomorrow’s show I’ll tell you the one about The Ogre on the Mountain!
J: Can hardly wait!
D: So here’s what happened with the monkey: One fine sunny morning as the men from the cave were outside standing together scratching their stupid asses and singing their stupid songs; the monkey stood his ground, grabbed his wily zealously and delighted himself in the pleasure of self-gratification: A job well done! Hey, just visit a monkey house at your local zoo some lazy afternoon to understand the truth concerning this statement.
J: I like the zoo brother Drew!
D: Thought you might! Anyway, the monkey finished his business and nosily rushed away into the bushes and hopefully to an immediate meeting and mating with a female primate and further gratification as well as continuation of the spices. Hey life was good! But would that be the case for these other creatures that also stood upright on two feet?
J: And was it?
D: Just look around you for your answer brother Jonathan!
J: What?
D: Not that we are able to tell historically speaking as self gratification became humankind’s undoing, self satisfaction and its fulfillment took over instantly. Why fight or stand in a long line in hopes of getting “some?” What’s a man to do? Go off to an isolated area, have your paper handy, we are civilized after all, unleash the Wilbur, and go get-off by yourself. It’s so easy!
J: Indeed it is!
D: Okay, the population growth was slow for a while but hey, pleasure was constant as both sexes, again, boys and girls alike, engaged in this primate behavior. And no, going blind did not nor will it ever occur!
J: I can see clearly now the rain has gone!
D: Stop singing please and let me “finish” the story!
J: Okay, “finish”!
D: Here’s what happened: The individual became supreme. The army of one “hand” took over. In the future men such as Bruce Jefferys would become possible. And why? Ask the monkey: ‘What the hell were you thinking?’
J: And what was he thinking brother Drew!
D: Stop please!
J: Alright!
D: Sad to say, we have never been the same as the evolution of the spices known as Homo sapiens had tumbled through the craftiness of the monkey in humanity’s paradise garden. Truth be told, we never stood a chance as the self gratification of mastur…
J: Don’t Say the “M” Word brother Drew!
D: Wouldn’t think of it! The “M” Word is as normal as let us suggest, a fine tasty apple and who’s to say otherwise?
J: Not me!
D: Nor me brother Jonathan! Hey thanks for listening folks!
J: Silent radio brother Drew!
D: Right! See you tomorrow…
J: Not on TV brother Drew!
D: Right! Tomorrow when we tell the tale of The Ogre on the Mountain! Bye now!
* * *
To our cherished audience out there hopefully still listening to our ‘A Live Silent Radio Hour’ which’s live yet pre-recorded; I’m still disappointingly so, the show’s producer Warren Williams and I wish to thank all of you for tuning in once more while once again leaving any semblance of rational thought at the door as for the sake of TheJefferys: How in the hell can you listen to silent radio? I’m still here live yet pre-recorded and I simply don’t understand any of this! ( Inspirational Pause!) Right! Please return tomorrow for more of the same as Drew tells us the tale of The Ogre on the Mountain! (Exasperated Pause!) TheJefferys only knows! I never approved this story and you’ll know why when your return to ‘A Silent Radio Hour’ staring Jonathan and Drew who are not now nor have they ever been the Property Brothers! TheJefferys help us! We’ve all allowed it to happen! Bye!