Don't Say the "M" Word!
Inside Amazon’s House of Horrors! [Part III] A Painfully Good Time!
Whoever enters here honors me; whoever doesn’t- pleases me.
-Friedrich Nietzsche
Live Yet Pre-recorded- Episode C of:
Don’t Say the “M” Word!
A Silent Radio Hour: Live Yet Pre-Recorded:
“I understand people believe I'm just a statistic
I say to them I'm different”
10th grader, Antwon Rose
“De l’audace, encore de l’audace, toujours de l’audace!” [“Audacity, audacity, always audacity!”]
-Georges Danton
“The power of the powerless!”
-Vaclav Havel
NSPB: Welcome back “our” most cherished listeners! I’m the New Show Producer Becka or NSPB and I just wanted to thank you for tuning in while turning off Any Semblance of Rational Thought or ASRT and leaving it at the door as for the sake of TheBezos: How in the hell can you listen to silent radio? Never understood that one but hey folks! We’re back!
J: I’m Jonathan!
D: And I’m Drew!
J&D: And together we’re certainly not the Property Brothers!
RAT: And this’ an established fact!
NSPB: And for this cherished listeners! We are all most definitely aware of such bizarre reality! And concerning “this reality” we push on in “our” attempt to get through TheSASMO’s three part series concerning life at TheAmazon’s Corporate Headquarters or ACH and what becomes of those White-Collar Workers or WCW who enter Amazon’s Chamber of Horrors or ACHs known as the House Of Pain or HOP!
“Real” living human beings: HOP! HOP! HOP! HOP away from TheAmazon’s House Of Pain!
J&D: Been there!
NSPB: Done that!
“Real” living human beings: Dido!
NSPB: Okay than! Let’s get this special rolling! TheSASMO, please!
They are too alive to die and too dead to live!
-Byung- Chul Han
TheSASMO: At its best TheAmazon can actually feel like TheBezos vision come to life! A situation where“compliance” has been formed to embrace risk and strengthen ideas by the all-powerful “stress test” whereas everyone in the company lives within TheBezos’ mantra where he craves that all employees worldwide would: ‘wake up every morning terrified!’ Mission accomplished!
NSPB: Thank TheBezos children!
“Real” living human beings: Thank you Jeff Bezos!
J: TheAmazon! We Love It! Everybody loud and clear!
J&D&NSPB&RAT&TheSASMO&“Real” living human beings: ‘Hate New York City It’s cold and it’s damp And all the people dressed like monkeys Let’s leave Chicago to the Eskimos That town’s a little bit too rugged For you and me you bad girl Rollin’ down the Imperial Highway
With a big nasty redhead at my side Santa Ana winds blowin’ hot from the north And we were born to ride Roll down the window put down the top
Crank up the Beach Boys baby Don’t let the music stop We’re gonna ride it till we just can’t ride it no more From the South Bay to the Valley From the West Side to the East Side Everybody’s very happy ‘Cause the sun is shining all the time Looks like another perfect day I love TheAmazon! (We love it) TheAmazon! I love TheAmazon! (We love it) TheAmazon! We love it! TheAmazon! Look at that mountain Look at those trees Look at that bum over there, man He’s down on his knees Look at these women There ain’t nothin’ like ‘em nowhere Century Boulevard (We love it) TheAmazon! Victory Boulevard (We love it) TheAmazon! Santa Monica Boulevard (We love it) TheAmazon! Sixth Street (We love it, we love it) TheAmazon! We love TheAmazon! I love TheAmazon! (We love it) TheAmazon! I love TheAmazon (We love it) TheAmazon! I love TheAmazon! (We love it) TheAmazon!’
NSPB: To the great singer/song writer Randy Newman! We’re sorry!
J&D&NSPB&RAT&TheSASMO&“Real” living human beings: Sorry Mr. Newman! Jonathan made us do it!
J: Now wait a minute!
W: How about some Good Ole Fashioned Chinese Green Tea or GOFCGIT sold by Mother Eu-funh or Playful Phoenix, a Mom and Pop Corner Tea Store in Hong Kong, China or MEPPMPCTSHKC and popcorn?
J&D&NSPB&RAT&TheSASMO&“Real” living human beings: Yes please!
W: Be right back my darlings!
J&D&NSPB&RAT&TheSASMO&“Real” living human beings: Thank you!
W: Such politeness!
TheSASMO: Now speaking of un-politeness? Let‘s look further into the actual motivating of what the company “warmheartedly” if not “sincerely” in all “lovingly” “kindness” terms: ‘Amabots’! Where HQ Veterans or HQV often profess the genius of Amazon as: driving them to drive themselves! ‘If you’re a good Amazonian, you become an Amabot,’ using a term that means you have become at “one” with TheForce!
J: Use TheForce SASMO!
TheSASMO: Right!
NSPB: Thank TheBezos children!
“Real” living human beings: Thank you Jeff Bezos!
TheSASMO: In Amazon warehouses, where I live, even in my dreams; we’re monitored by sophisticated electronic systems to ensure we’re Receiving enough, packing enough, picking enough, shipping enough Stupid Ass Scratching Stuff known as SASS every hour!
“Real” living human beings: SASS! SASS! SASS! Too much SASS up everybody’s AS…
NSPB: Not the “A” word please!
“Real” living human beings: Wouldn’t think of it!
J: Little side story for that “feel good” moment we’re apparently having just now! In an eastern Pennsylvania warehouse, Amazon came under fire, forgive the pun, in 2011 when workers slaved-away in more than 100-degree heat with ambulances waiting outside as laborers as fell to the floor! After an investigation by the local newspaper, the company installed air-conditioning!
NSPB: Thank TheBezos children!
“Real” living human beings: Thank you Jeff Bezos!
TheSASMO: But in its offices, TheAmazon uses a self-reinforcing set of management, data and psychologically driven tools to urge its thousands upon thousands of white-collar workers to do more and more and more and more! ‘To hell with the wife and kids! I work for TheAmazon day and night! Night and day! It never stops!’
RAT: Even heard this one from Amy Michaels, a former Kindle marketer: ‘The company is running a continual performance improvement algorithm on its staff!’ Good times for all!
“Real” living human beings: Good Times! Good Times! Good Times for all!
NSPB: Thank TheBezos children!
“Real” living human beings: Thank you Jeff Bezos!
TheSASMO: The process begins with what’s called: Amazon’s legions! And then Jesus demanded: ‘What is your name?’ And TheBezos replied: ‘My name’s Legion because there are many of us inside this man!’
NSPB: Thank TheBezos children!
“Real” living human beings: Thank you Jeff Bezos!
TheSASMO: Amazon recruiters traverse the globe to identify the “chosen” ones, thousands upon thousands hoping to become: Amazonians!
NSPB: Thank TheBezos children!
“Real” living human beings: Thank you Jeff Bezos!
TheSASMO: These candidates, aspirants if you will, face extra screening by “bar raisers!” Valiant, seemingly dauntless employees; part-time interviewers who are charged by TheBezos himself with ensuring that only the best and brightest get hired!
NSPB: Thank TheBezos children!
“Real” living human beings: Thank you Jeff Bezos!
TheSASMO: Indeed! Thank TheBezos! And as these newcomers acclimate, they’re often feel dazzled in joy, flattered yet intimidated by how much responsibility the company puts on their young but forceful shoulders and how directly TheAmazon links their performance to the success of their assigned projects! Whether selling wine, tracking the delivery of packages straight to shoppers’ car trunks or well, you know; demanding the all-important: ‘Can you take this SURVEY immediately as I’m not leaving until its accomplish! Swear to TheBezos!’
“Real” living human beings: Long live TheBezos!
TheSASMO: Now clearly! Every aspect of the Amazon system intensifies as everyone’s motivated while being disciplined for the good of the company! For ‘Business Needs’ or BNs!
“Real” living human beings: God damn the Business Needs, now!
TheSASMO: Marketers, engineers and finance specialists: the leadership principles! The entire meticulous painstaking scrupulous, some might call it ANAL continuous feedback on performance! The very heart of Amazonian competition among peers who fear missing a potential problem, development or enhancement! Those who dash off to answer an email before anyone else!
RAT: Sounds freaking crazy to me!
J: It is!
D: I’m frightened of TheAmazon Jonathan!
J: We all are Drew! We all are!
TheSASMO: In this sense, TheAmazon comes off looking much like China’s Culture Revolution or CCR in that The Cultural Revolution, a sociopolitical, socioeconomic, sociopsychotic movement in China from 1966 until 1976.
“Real” living human beings: Want TheSASMO!
TheSASMO: Launched by Chairman Mao, its stated goals were to preserve “true” ideology in the country by purging remnants of capitalistic and traditional elements from Chinese society and the dominant ideology within the Party!
J: Just like TheAmazon!
TheSASMO: The Revolution marked Mao’s return to a position of power after the failures of The Great Leap Forward! The movement paralyzed China politically and negatively affected both the economy and society of the country to a significant degree.
RAT: Just like TheAmazon!
TheSASMO: The movement was launched to eliminate rivals within the Communist Party as Mao insisted that these “revisionists” be removed through violent class struggle.
J: My God! Just like looking into the mirror! TheAmazon!
TheSASMO: China’s youth responded to Mao’s appeal by forming The Red Guard! The movement spread into the military, urban workers, and Party leadership! It resulted in widespread factional struggles in all walks of life. In the top leadership, it led to mass purges of senior officials as Mao’s personality cult grew to immense proportions!
RAT: Twins I tell you! Twins!
TheSASMO: In the violent struggles that ensued across the country, millions of people were persecuted and suffered a wide range of abuses including public humiliation, arbitrary imprisonment, torture, hard labor, sustained harassment, seizure of property and sometimes Termination of T!
J&D: Bend there!
RAT: Done that!
“Real” living human beings: Dido!
TheSASMO: To sum up! A large segment of the population was forcibly displaced, most notably the transfer of urban youth to rural regions during the ‘Down to the Countryside Movement!’ Historical relics and artifacts were destroyed and cultural and religious sites were ransacked!
“Real” living human beings: TheAmazon! TheAmazon! TheAmazon! All Hail the Power of TheAmazon!
J&D&NSPB&RAT&TheSASMO&“Real” living human beings: And don’t any of you forget it!
J: Totally awesome!
TheSASMO: Many Amazonians said the culture stoked their willingness to erode work-life boundaries, castigate themselves for shortcomings or become “vocally self-critical” while trying to impress a company which can’t be impression by anyone but itself! A force that can often feel like an insatiable taskmaster!
“Real” living human beings: Chairman Jeff! Chairman Jeff! Chairman Jeff! All praise to TheBezos!
TheSASMO: Even many Amazonians who have worked on Wall Street and at startups say the workloads at the new South Lake Union campus can be extreme! Epic, marathon conference calls on Easter Sunday and Thanksgiving! Criticism from bosses for spotty Internet access on vacation! Hours spent working at home most nights or weekends!
J: And for what?
RAT: To get a twelve-pack of toilet paper to Cincinnati, Ohio in two days or less!
NSPB: You’d think they were getting a heart/lung block for some sick, dying child in the Heartland who needed that transplant ASAP!
J: Same thing in the eyes of TheBezos! The very same thing!
NSPB: Thank TheBezos children!
“Real” living human beings: Thank you Jeff Bezos!
TheSASMO: Indeed! Thank TheBezos! Get this craziness! Dina Vaccari, a former Amazon employee, at home in Seattle, July 21, 2015. Amazon’s boundary-pushing and competitive white-collar work environment is both loved and loathed! Vacarri recalls once using her own money to hire a data entry freelancer in India so she could get more work done! This’ what she actually said: ‘I was so addicted to wanting to be successful there!”
“Real” living human beings: What TheSASMO?
TheSASMO: More idiotic madness from these stupid…
J: Ass Scratchingly Stupid or ASS!
TheSASMO Indeed! The ASS people! ‘One time I didn’t sleep for four days straight,” said Dina Vaccari, who joined in 2008 to sell Amazon gift cards to other companies and once used her own money, without asking for approval, to pay a freelancer in India to enter data so she could get more done! ‘These businesses were my babies, and I did whatever I could to make them successful!’
“Real” living human beings: ASS! ASS! ASS! What Ass Scratchingly Stupid Amazonians!
TheSASMO: This’ how stupid! She and other workers had no shortage of career options but said they had internalized Amazon’s priorities to the extant that one ex-employee’s fiancé became so concerned about her nonstop working night after night that he would drive to the Amazon campus at 10 p.m. and dial her cellphone until she agreed to come home. When they took a vacation to Florida, she spent every day at Starbucks using the wireless connection to get work done!
“Real” living human beings: ASS! ASS! ASS! What Ass Scratchingly Stupid Amazonians!
TheSASMO: And what was gained? ‘That’s when the ulcer started!’ she said in tears!
RAT: God help us all from the on-slot of TheAmazon!
TheSASMO: To prod employees, Amazon has a powerful lever: More data than any retail operation in history! It’s a perpetual flow of real-time, ultra detailed metrics allowing the company to measure nearly everything its workers and customers do! What the workers do in the buildings and what the customers put in their shopping carts but do not buy! It can also tell when engineers are not building pages that load quickly enough or when a vendor manager does not have enough gardening gloves in stock!
“Real” living human beings: God damn! God damn! God damn TheAmazon!
J&D&RAT: To hell and beyond!
TheSASMO: According to Sean Boyle…
“Real” living human beings: Who TheSASMO?
TheSASMO: A true believer! A complete idiot! ‘Data creates a lot of clarity around decision-making,’ said Boyle who runs the finance division of Amazon Web Services or AWS and who was permitted by the company to speak: ‘Data is incredibly liberating.’
J: Isn’t that like what The Sith Lord of the HR or SLHR, John Castillo once said to his young apprentice John Doe of the Philadelphia Does?
TheSASMO: He said! And I laughingly quote: ‘TOT’s an opportunity to remove barriers!’
J: What an ASS!
RAT: The Sith Lord or John Doe!
TheSASMO: Both! Amazingly so! Amazon employees are held accountable for a staggering array of metrics, a process that unfolds in what can be an anxiety-provoking session called The Business Review or TBR! A day or two before the meetings, employees receive printouts, sometimes up to 50 or 60 pages long! At the reviews employees are cold-called and pop-quizzed on any one of those thousands of numbers!
RAT: More Cultural Revolution I see!
TheSASMO: Indeed! Explanations like “we’re not totally sure” or “I’ll get back to you” are expectable! Some managers sometimes dismissed such responses as “stupid” or told workers to “just stop it.” It’s brutal as it’s deadly!
NSPB: Thank TheBezos children!
“Real” living human beings: Thank you Jeff Bezos!
TheSASMO: Many complain! All are told to shut up! But many also say that it’s part of the point! The meetings force them to absorb the metrics of their business even as their minds are swimming while swirling with details!
J: Swimming while swirling in shit!
TheSASMO: Right! ‘Once you know something isn’t as good as it could be, why wouldn’t you want to fix it?’ said Julie Todaro, who leads some of Amazon’s largest retail categories.
J: As this can only be accomplished by brutalizing one another?
RAT: Apparently!
J: Right!
NSPB: And apparently we seem to be outta time once again!
“Real” living human beings: Where have we heard that one?
NSPB: Here on ‘A Silent Radio Hour’ live yet pre-recorded on Reject Square in the heart of downtown Seattle, Washington in the United States of And When Do We Get Our Very Own Cultural Revolution Chairman Bezos Here or SWUSAWDWGOVOCRCBH in: America?
J&D: Bend there!
RAT: Done that!
“Real” living human beings: Dido!
NSPB: And that’s a wrap! Good night Irene!
J&D: Bye now!
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To our cherished listeners out there hopefully believing that “our” ‘A Live Silent Radio Hour’ which’s live yet pre-recorded formerly at The Spank the Monkey Café in the heart of downtown Seattle, Washington of the United States of Here’s Still Hoping for the Fifth Aeon to Finally Come and Save Us All Here or USHSHFAFCSUAH in: America which’s quickly Slipping Into Darkness or SID! Hopefully, we’ll be back next time! Who knows? Now listen! I’m Becka formerly known as Reject # 2 now known as the New Show Producer Becka or NSPB! I’m here in what’s known as “Reject Square” where we’re now broadcasting live yet pre-recorded and so many thanks once again to “our” cherished listeners who are anticipating another Episode or E of ‘A Live Silent Radio Hour’! We’re so sorry that you have to live through these nasty “happenings” taking place daily here in America! I mean to say! Really SORRY! But I wish to thank all of you for tuning in once more while again leaving Any Semblance of Rational Thought or ASRT at the door as for the sake of TheBezos: How in the hell can you listen to silent radio? Never understood that one but hey folks! We’re back! (Inspirational Pause!) And please cherished “LISTENERS” again return next time to hopefully Find-Out-the-Facts or FOFs concerning the nature and cause of our Collective Delusion or CD as we Tell Our Tale or TOT of Misery or M here in a land known as America! Please stay safe and always watch out for those Frenzied, Extremely Agitated Regrettables or FEAR who see their own reflection in the Mirrored Sunglasses or MSs of those who would Un-Naturally or UN ridicule our Blessed Way of Life here on Silent Radio or SR! And please! Make sure to thank TheBezos! And so I’m pretty certain! And Good Night Irene! Whoever “she” is?
* * *
D: Jonathan?
J: Yes Drew?
D: Chinese Communist Chairman or CCC MAO!
J: What?
D: MAO! Mark Andrew Oglesby or MAO!
“Real” living human beings: What TheSASMO?
RAT: I often wondered about him guys!
J&D: Right?