Don't Say the "M" Word!
A quote by the Chief Financial Officer of Com.com: ‘I missed the blood and guts of the battlefield so I went into online retail!’
Whoever enters here honors me; whoever doesn’t- pleases me.
-Friedrich Nietzsche
Live Yet Pre-recorded- Episode XXXXIII of:
Don’t Say the “M” Word!
A Silent Radio Hour: Live Yet Pre-Recorded
J: Hey! Good day and hopefully good news!
D: Joyfully terrific day to be alive!
J: Why all the enthusiasm Drew?
D: Just excited about Com.com and its Technology Department!
J: Then let’s get right to it!
SPW: (From Off In The Distance) About God damn time don’t you think?
MSC: “Mr.” SASMO please!
Mr.SASMO: Once more again! A quote! My Kingdom for a quote!
SPW: (From Off In The Distance) Why should today be any different? By the way SASMO?
Mr.SASMO: “Mr.” SASMO to you Warren!
SPW: (From Off In The Distance) I’m in another TimeOut of TO! I don’t gotta do no “Mr.” SASMO in this mode!
Mr.SASMO: Whatever!
MSC: Your quota please! “Mr.” SASMO!
Mr.SASMO: This quota’s, which by the way’s a personal honor to read, by the late, great G.I. Gurdjieff!
This is an example of what we call “man” to which we often even add such words as “talent” and “genius.” Yet such a genius will have his mood spoiled for the whole day if he does not find his slippers by his bed when he wakes up in the morning.
J: Great quote!
SPW: (From Off In The Distance) Gotta agree on that one!
MSC: I don’t get it? What’s this Gurdjieff character saying?
SPW: (From Off In The Distance) That you don’t get Gurdjieff’s meaning’s apparent! But let me suggest you key into the three words which he’s placed in “quote” marks!
MSC: Firstly! Come back to the group! I can’t take the yelling!
SPW: Very well! Here I am!
MSC: So I’m supposed to gather Gurdjieff’s meaning though the words “man” “talent” and “genius” as if that suddenly makes this muddy water clear!
J: “Man” means us all!
D: “Talent” describes people who accomplish things!
SPW: “Genius” are those persons with incredible, above-the-average or normal abilities who see beyond the limitations of your typical, ordinary Stupid Ass Scratching Person or SASP dimly moving through life at the Speed of Nonsense!
D: Ah! The Ole Speed of Nonsense or OSN! Know it well!
SPW: Exactly!
MSC: Great! But I’m still mystified as to what he’s saying?
J: He’s clearly stating that even “genius” is so Ass Scratchingly Stupid or ASS as to be unable to muddle through the morning while searching for their Stupid Ass Scratching Slippers or SASS!
SPW: It’s that ‘God dammit! Where’d I leave my car keys?’
J: And this’ the “genius” in charge of a Fortune 500 company!
SPW: The truly exceptional!
MSC: Got it!
SPW: About time!
Mr.SASMO: May I now continue?
SPW: If you would! “Mr.” SASMO, please!
The Techies:
Mr.SASMO: Clearly these people are the backbone of an industry which almost depends entirely on technological innovation. From start to finish online buying and selling’s directed by computerized metrics and algorithms which measure any and everything up to and including the very dimensions of your Aunt Ruthie’s big fat ass! They know everything there is to know about everybody as nothing’s left unattended, nothing’s left to chance!
D: We have one!
SPW: One of what Drew?
J: An Aunt Ruthie with a “great” big fat ass!
D: But she gives huge hugs all around!
J: Just don’t let her fall on top of you!
D: Goes without saying!
SPW: So don’t say it anymore! Continuing! “Mr.” SASMO please!
Mr.SASMO: Now being the heart and soul of online commerce, the Technology Department’s a constant threat to Administration and its Executive Board who’ve never trusted these strange people in the first place.
D: I know a lot of strange people!
SPW: I’m sure you do Drew! Moving forward at the Speed of Nonsense! “Mr.” SASMO please!
Mr.SASMO: And if only to reciprocate! The Techies loath these smug, pretentious Ivy Leaguers who act as if “their shit don’t stink!”
D: Oh but their shit does stink!
Mr.SASMO: Putting it mildly! To say the least, class warfare’s a constant threat here at TheMightyCom as well as at all major companies and corporations existing this side of the dark side of the moon: ‘They’re freaks I tell you!’ And other such unpleasantness of this nature.
D: Ever been to the dark side of the moon?
SPW: I know I’m gonna regreat this! No Drew! Never even planned a trip there!
D: A clue! Secret doors!
SPW: Moving on! “Mr.” SASMO please!
Mr.SASMO: Within the Technology Department there are many departments, divisions, sub-divisions, anti-chambers, subterranean mysteries, inter-dimensional portals, lost mythical cities and any other number of ancient people, places and things which oversee the smooth operation of the giant behemoth simply entitleded: Com.com.
D: See! See! “Inter-dimensional” portals!
SPW: Right! “Mr.” SASMO please!
Mr.SASMO: And here on the eve of the Great Day of Being Unplugged, the night of the living dead, the Techies wait nervously as disconnection anxiety runs high while spirits are low and anything could and most likely would happen. But more of this later. As for now, here’s but a sampling of the diverse groups who will sit in session at The Spank the Monkey Café on the eve of the great event:
J: Gonna need a little explaining here!
MSC: What he said!
D: Yeah! What’s all this about the Great Day of Being Unplugged? The night of the living dead? The Techies wait nervously as disconnection anxiety runs high while spirits are low and anything could and most likely would happen?
SPW: Please don’t do this people! Let’s leave it alone and deal with it another day? Can’t we just all get along?
J&D&MSC&Mr.SASMO&W: Sure! Why not!
SPW: Great!
W: Some Good Ole Fashioned Chinese Green Tea or GOFCGT sold by Mother Eu-funh or Playful Phoenix, a Mom and Pop Corner Tea Store in Hong Kong, China or MEPPMPCTSHKC and popcorn hons?
J&D&SPW&MSC&Mr.SASMO: Yes please!
W: Get right to it my darlings!
SPW: Then onto our first Techie group! “Mr.” SASMO please!
The Knowbots:
Mr.SASMO: The Knowbots are working on what they have labeled ‘Collective Global Consciousness’ or CGC whereas humankind will truly and permanently have the ability to quantumly leap forward in the evolution of the species.
J&D: Really?
Mr.SASMO: Yes, really! Think of a world where even those Stupid Ass Scratching Dummies or SASD…
SPW: Jonathan and Drew who will never live up to the “awesomeness” of actually being the Property Brothers!
J&D: But we continue to try! Really hard!
Mr.SASMO: …of today have the consciousness of the very gods! Where the idiots of yesteryear are suddenly lifted to the heavenly knowledge of Genuine Genius or GG!
J&D: Genuine Genius! Wanna be a GG!
SPW: Yeah right!
Mr.SASMO: Than plug-in and delight in your Odysseus journey forward! Okay, okay! Yes, also working on Think Headphones!
SPW: Can those Think Headphones be delivered today? “Mr.” SASMO?
Mr.SASMO: Fifty-fifty chance! Online delivery’s unstable at best!
SPW: And you know this because?
Mr.SASMO: Worked in the FCs at both Com.com and that up and coming and some say ‘better look out!’ But I say Bullshit! Amazon.com! Yeah! Fifty-fifty chance!
SPW: So there’s a possibility Jonathan and Drew who’ll never measure up to be the Property Brothers could get their Think Headphones today?
Mr.SASMO: Wouldn’t bet on it! But it could happen!
J&D: Great!
Mr.SASMO: One last thing before moving forward!
SPW: Yes?
Mr.SASMO: Even if the order’s actually delivered! Chances are the order will be wrong! Again! Fifty-fifty chance!
SPW: I’ll give it a go! Moving on! “Mr.” SASMO please!
The Combots:
Mr.SASMO: This’ Miles Gently’s technical support group, boots on the ground if you will!
D: Who’s Miles Gently?
Mr.SASMO: Chief Technology Officer of Com.com! A quote by Adolf Hitler hangs on his office wall: ‘What good fortune for governments (and commerce) that men do not think!’
MSC: Seems reasonable!
Mr.SASMO: Miles Gently is an ex-Marine whose core will always belong to his military heritage and so it seemed as Miles Gently was discharged, dishonorably and so the rumor continues to persist! He wondered the halls of academia seeking the perfect fit to his ferocious disposition! A toxic nerd whose technological brilliance was evenly matched by that of his intensely powerful personality! Think of the likes of Adolf Eichmann! The man’s a zealot, even by Jefferys standards, and everyone knows it! He was not your average Techie as he made even the most stringent of nerds nervous!
J&D: Damn!
Mr.SASMO: Got that straight! Gently graduated with honors from MIT and relocated to the Pacific Northwest as Seattle, Washington seemed the perfect fit to Gently’s gloomy disposition.
D: What a Gloomy Gus or GG!
Mr.SASMO: A terminal Gloomy Gus or GG! Now sunshine not being his cup of tea…
W: Some more Good Ole Fashioned Chinese Green Tea or GOFCGT sold by Mother Eu-funh or Playful Phoenix, a Mom and Pop Corner Tea Store in Hong Kong, China or MEPPMPCTSHKC and popcorn hons?
J&D&SPW&MSC&Mr.SASMO: Yes please!
W: Get right to it my darlings!
Mr.SASMO: So the competitive nature of commerce and high finance seemed to suit the commando’s need to encounter hostile forces when and wherever they may come as the .com universe would be just the thing: ‘I missed the blood and guts of the battlefield so I went into online retail!’
D: This Miles Gently sounds a bit unstable!
J&SPW: You think?
Mr.SASMO: And into it he went! With guns blazing and fists flying! Metaphorically speaking as Gently had only been to the battlefield online! But hey, he’s a force to be reckoned with who know no bounds when it came to getting the job done, on time! Jefferys loved this guy’s attitude: ‘We should all be proud as we should all follow such an example.’ Number one hatchet man in the company whose hit list became legend as the superstar prodigy left a large number of bodies in his wake!
MSC: I love this guy’s attitude as well! First Class Businessman or FCB to be certain!
J&SPW: First Class Nut or FCN you mean!
D: What they said!
Mr.SASMO: It’s therefore easy to understand why a man like Gently would be of such value as his knowledge of combat, both live as well as virtual is matched only by his technological brilliance in this Neo-Darwinian Environment or NDE of Scientific Industrial Techno-Craft or SITC!
D: Great flavor of ice-cream that Scientific Industrial Techno-Craft or SITC!
SPW: Please tell me that Drew’s joking?
J: It’s a real ice-cream flavor! They serve it down the street at The Scientific Industrial Techno-Craft Café!
W: No ice-cream flavor Scientific Industrial Techno-Craft here at The Spank the Monkey Café! Only Good Ole Fashioned Chinese Green Tea or GOFCGT sold by Mother Eu-funh or Playful Phoenix, a Mom and Pop Corner Tea Store in Hong Kong, China or MEPPMPCTSHKC and popcorn!
J: I’ll have some more!
D&SPW&MSC&Mr.SASMO: Me too! Me Too! We want more Good Ole Fashioned Chinese Green Tea or GOFCGT sold by Mother Eu-funh or Playful Phoenix, a Mom and Pop Corner Tea Store in Hong Kong, China or MEPPMPCTSHKC and popcorn please!
W: Of course my darling! Get right to it!
SPW: Now getting back to the Combots as they’re called! Great story though, that Miles Gently fellow and all! He truly sounds like a peach!
Mr.SASMO: The Combots monitor threats to Com.com’s worldwide network of online connectivity. They would be the ones to discover that it was in fact Princeton Paris, in an attempt to discredit the Technology Department, who brought down the WorldWide Network Connection or WWNC which affected Com.com’s ability to take and process customer orders as well as communicate across the globe!
SPW: And that will be a wondrous story for later! Guys?
J&D: Yes?
SPW: Don’t go there!
J&D: We’ll wait! Just this once!
SPW: Thank you!
J&D: Don’t mention it!
MSC: Miles Gently would go there!
SPW: Whatever! Moving forward! “Mr.” SASMO if you please!
The ComHoles:
Mr.SASMO: These unhappy if not outright uptight “A-holes” are presently working on what’s known in corporate business lingo as ‘The Shear Annoyance Factor’ which’s a phone system implant with the sole purpose of persuading callers not to ask for a live customer service representative thus saving the company millions of dollars in useless labor costs!
J: Thought that the ComHoles were with that up and coming and some say ‘better look out!’ But I still say Bullshit! Amazon.com?
Mr.SASMO: Yeah? Well? Seems the ComHoles are spreading everywhere! Just can’t stop progress I guess! Anyway! These, once again, unhappy if not outright uptight “A-holes” are the ultimate true believers at Com.com who religiously follow the flow while upholding the foundational principles of those who established the reality of online commerce. In short, they are the High Priesthood of Technological Sanctity or HPTS as they oversee the ways and means of Electronic Certitude or EC!
J&D&SPW&MSC: All hail TheJefferys! All praise to TheJefferys!
Mr.SASMO: Yeah right! It’s this division of techies which Gently would use in order to exact his revenge on Princeton Paris who’s attempting to quash advances in the Technology Department or TD!
SPW: Don’t go there guys!
J&D: We promised! And we keep our promises!
SPW: No you don’t!
J&D: Whatever!
SPW: Continuing! “Mr.” SASMO please!
The Solutions:
Mr.SASMO: Currently this group is working on something so pleasant if not universally needed that they decided to call it merely ‘the friendly app.’ Also, they are working on the a very special application called ‘the conversation filter’ and here’s a little sample of their work: ‘When you absolutely have to speak with another person even if you don’t want to, use Com.com’s conversation filter to get you through all those unpleasant conversations you’d rather not have.’ Sorry mom!
D: Did we ever say “sorry” to Babe, Jonathan?
J: Wouldn’t have mattered!
D: Didn’t think so!
SPW: Liking the pace while moving forward! “Mr.” SASMO please!
The Commentators:
Mr.SASMO: When the entire world’s going to hell in a handbag and you’re sick to death of the evening news and their outright Bullshit! Com.com’s Commentators are working on an app for you. This domestic device will in fact present the nightly news that you want to hear as it will tell you that which you want to know!
J&D&SPW&MSC: All hail TheDonald! All praise to TheDonald!
MSC: FAKE NEWS ALERT! And that’s a C or Censure people!
SPW: Again people! The pace! Watch the pace! “Mr.” SASMO please!
J: Sorry Warren! But it seems we’re all out of time for today! Hey! Let’s all come back next time and continue this fascinating Tell of Tales or TOT concerning Com.com’s Technology Department!
SPW: Oh balls!
J&D: Bye everybody!
* * *
To our cherished listeners out there hopefully if not finally glad to “not” be “VIEWING” “their” Com.com’s Live Streaming Service or CCLSS! But instead listening to our ‘A Live Silent Radio Hour’ which’s live yet pre-recorded here at The Spank the Monkey Café in the heart of downtown Seattle, Washington of the United States of Go Canadian Hockey or GCH: America!! I’m Jonathan and many thanks once again to “our” cherished listeners who are finally delighted that ‘A Live Silent Radio Hour’ which’s live yet pre-recorded has returned! We’re so sorry you had to live through that nasty “VIEWING” pardon the language, Crap or C! I mean to say! Really SORRY! But I wish to thank all of you for tuning in once more while again leaving any semblance of rational thought at the door as for the sake of TheJefferys: How in the hell can you listen to silent radio? Never understood that one but hey folks! We’re back! (Inspirational Pause!) And please cherished “LISTENERS”, come back next time to hopefully Find-Out-the-Facts or FOFs concerning the nature and cause of our Collective Delusion or CD involving the Assemblage of Youthful Passion or AYP, Mary Jane from Indiana or MJI, the Really Weird Dude and Babe high atop the Seattle Space Needle or SSN! Please stay safe and always watch out for those Frenzied, Extremely Agitated Regrettables or FEARs who see their own reflection in the Mirrored Sunglasses or MSs of those who would Un-Naturally or UN ridicule our Blessed Way of Life here on Silent Radio or SR! And please! Make sure to thank TheJefferys! And so I’m pretty certain! And Good Night Irene!
* * *
D: Jonathan?
J: Yes Drew?
D: Isn’t that Miles Gently fellow creepy?
J: To the 100th power dear brother! The 100th power!