Don't Say the "M" Word!
Whoever enters here honors me; whoever doesn’t- pleases me.
-Friedrich Nietzsche
Live Yet Pre-recorded- Episode XXXVIII of:
Don’t Say the “M” Word!
A Silent Radio Hour: Live Yet Pre-Recorded
J&D: Truly cherished listeners! Welcome back!
J: I’m Jonathan and this’ my brother Drew!
D: And it’s most positively, unquestionably, beyond an observable doubt that we’re not the Property Brothers!
SPW: “Your” cherished “LISTENERS” Drew can only listen! They cannot nor will they ever be able to “observe” you! Silent radio Drew! Silent radio!
MSC: And why you two wanted to leave Com.com’s Live Streaming Service or CCLSS is beyond me? ‘A Live Streaming Good Time Television Hour’ was doing just great!
J: But it wasn’t “ours”!
D: What he said!
W: Some Good Ole Fashioned Chinese Green Tea or GOFCGT sold by Mother Eu-funh or Playful Phoenix, a Mom and Pop Corner Tea Store in Hong Kong, China or MEPPMPCTSHKC and popcorn hons?
J&D&SPW&MSC: Yes please!
SPW: Well whatever any of us thinks about silent radio, it appears to be here for good!
MSC: Here for the bad you mean!
D: That may well be! But be that as it may!
J: We’re back!
D: Also back is the one and only Mr.SASMO or the Stupid Ass Scratching Mark Oglesby; author of ‘Zen & the Art of Mastur...’
J&SPW&MSC: Don’t Say the “M” Word Drew!
D: Wouldn’t think of it!
Mr.SASMO: Thank you!
J: So let’s get right back into the story of the Assemblage of Youthful Passion or AYP and Mary Jane from Indiana or MJI!
D&SPW&MSC&W: Let’s do!
MSC: Just love that Mary Jane from Indiana or MJI! She’s just so! I don’t know?
SPW: Delicious!
MSC: Yes! Simply yummy if you get my meaning?
J&D&SPW&W: Hard to miss!
Mr.SASMO: Moving forward then!
SPW: One question though SASMO!
Mr.SASMO: That’s Mr.SASMO to you!
SPW: Whatever! You say that the Com.com Hit Squad or CcHS is right behind you or to quote you directly: ‘Been running from the Com.com Hit Squad or CcHS for weeks on end!’ How’d you get away from them in the first place, in the first person?
Mr.SASMO: Easy! Pulled a Fire Alarm or FA at the FC or Fulfillment Center as they approached me and slipped out unnoticed! Trouble was the entire building was herded back inside even though the Moreno Valley Fire Department or MVFD wasn’t allowed to sweep the warehouse before everyone was thrown back into the Un-Secured Building or USB!
SPW: I thought California of the United States of Employee Safety Means A Whole Lot to Us Here in OnLine Retail or CUSESMAWLUOLR: America! was number one out of three? Isn’t that true SASMO?
Mr.SASMO: That’s Mr.SASMO to you! A fellow Associate called Cal- Fire or CF and requested a copy of the Fire Alarm Report or FAR! Cal-Fire or CF said matter-of-factly: ‘There’s no record whatsoever of a Fire Alarm or FA having occurred anywhere in Moreno Valley, California of the United States of Amazon.com Can Do Whatever the F**k They Want to Do Here In or MVCUSAcCDWFTWDHI: America! Quote/unquote!’
SPW: Really?
Mr.SASMO: Yeah! Really!
MSC: Well God Bless Free Enterprise or GBFE!
SPW: I do believe that Free Enterprise or FE is now in fact: God or
G!
J&D&MSC: All praise to TheJefferys!
J: Moving on with the story of the Assemblage of Youthful Passion or AYP and Mary Jane from Indiana or MJI, please!
SPW: First my question! How’d you get away from the Com.com Hit Squad or CcHS in the first place, in the first person?
Mr.SASMO: I simply didn’t go back inside the building! I jumped on back of the Fire Truck or FT and made my way to the bus station. Bought a one-way ticket to downtown Seattle, Washington of the United States of I Want Back Inside The Spank the Monkey Café, Now or USIWBITSMCN: America!
J: Happy Warren? And can we now move on to that lovely young Mary Jane from Indiana or MJI and her association with the Assemblage of Youthful Passion or AYP, please?
SPW: Sure! Why not!
J: Mr.SASMO if you might!
Mr.SASMO: Would be my pleasure! But I’ve got to give a little background information to help the story along! I’ll begin with a quote from Bob Dylan’s seminal work: ‘Tarantula’!
SPW: Seminal My Ass or MA! It’s UnReadable or UR! I’ve tried! Hundreds of times! But it’s impossible to get through it! It would take someone so unspeakably Moronic or M if not a total Idiot or I just to make it through the first few pages!
J: Mr.SASMO? Are you really that Moronic or M if not Idiotic or I? Mr.SASMO please?
Mr.SASMO: And then some!
J: The Dylan quote! Please!
the censor in a twelve wheel drive semi stopping in for donuts & pinching the waitress/ he likes his women raw & with syrup/ he has his mind set on becoming a famous soldier
Mr.SASMO: Here how it goes: Galen, whose name’s inherent meaning is Healer, rolled his rig into the Hollywood Bowl parking area reserved for those enormous transports which carry the assorted paraphernalia of the modern day minstrel show. And with little or no hesitation whatsoever he perfectly maneuvered his semi into position whereas the roadies could begin their work in earnest.
J&D&SPW&MSC&W: Roadies?
Mr.SASMO: Yeah! Roadies! For you see, they had some catching up to do as Galen was delayed outside Phoenix, Arizona due to some bizarre goings on outside the Paradise Valley Mall or PVM * which apparently had been under police siege as the blockade extended all the way to highway 10 whose western passage had been severely disrupted due to a hot pursuit still in progress.
* A note’s needed here as to enlighten everyone reading this as to the importance of The Great American Shopping Mall or GASM! The Paradise Valley Mall’s located in Paradise Valley Village in northeastern Phoenix, Arizona. And despite having the same name as the town of Paradise Valley, it’s in fact one mile to the north of that community in one of the many Urban Villages of Phoenix. And yes, the urban village of Phoenix contains this mall as well as several other major facilities which are casually called Paradise Valley, a somewhat little independent town in its own right.
Now it seems that a strange occurrence had taken place here as a group of teenage boys and some girl named Mary Jane from, I do believe, Indiana or MJI, had locked themselves in an Abercrombie & Fitch Outlet. And to what purpose we are not certain at this point as mall security forced all shoppers away from the store! And as to why? Possibly something about security protocol and waiting for the police to arrive.
So than what can be said about a group of teenagers who’ve locked themselves inside an Abercrombie & Fitch Outlet? The teenagers seem to be trying on clothes! Lots and lots of clothes, one after the other. One outfit and then the next! They seem to be having fun whatever the reasons for their behavior!
For you see, what you are observing is in fact The Assemblage of Youthful Passion or AYP from Colorado City, Arizona who’d somehow found their way to the Paradise Valley Mall in Phoenix, Arizona. And with this stunningly beautiful girl, Mary Jane from Indiana or MJI in tow; they’d become transfixed in their very first experience of the Neo-American Cathedral or NAC: The Shopping Mall!
My God! The sights and their sensations! The loud noises! The smell of foods they’d never before imagined existed! The escalator ascending to the heavens! The very temperature of the place, a mild seventy-eight degrees (outside it was one hundred and ten degrees and boiling the very brains out of this traversing pilgrimage), led one to believe that Paradise indeed had been found.
But why the takeover of the Abercrombie & Fitch Outlet? Why do something that might possibly land one in jail while disrupting their vision quest if not Northwest Passage to Seattle, Washington and their planned confrontation with TheMightyMasturbator itself: Com.com? It made no sense! But oh, yes it did! A very simple answer to an extremely complex question:
Her name’s Mary Jane from Indiana or MJI! And my God she was beautiful even covered in dirt! She was an angel in the wilderness! A luminosity of human passion driven by Sexual Energy or SE! A barely legal dynamism seeking confrontation always! A minefield whose danger no one could sense! An entanglement whose fury and force no one but Brother David recognized. Indeed, Brother David counted on it!
J&D&SPW&MSC&W: You used the “M” word in your note SASMO!
MSC: And that’s a big C or Censure!
Mr.SASMO: Whatever! And that’s Mr.SASMO if you please!
J&D&SPW&MSC&W: Back to the hot pursuit, please?
Mr.SASMO: Yeah! Hot pursuit! Anyway, here he was and were the roadies ever glad as their hectic schedule was so far behind as to be barely ready for The Touring Bruces who were set to storm the audience exactly at 8pm! Pacific Time Zone or PTZ!
J&D&SPW&MSC&W: The Touring Bruces?
Mr.SASMO: Yeah! The Touring Bruces! ‘Let’s get it done people!’ joyfully shouted Tony Roadie (his actually name which he’d legally changed during the mid-seventies while on tour with Led Zeppelin and did that not ever make life easier back then) who’d fallen in love with this most special tour.
J&D&SPW&MSC&W: Most special tour?
Mr.SASMO: Yeah! Most special tour! ‘Let’s take it easy with Zoey’s piano!’ You see! Tony was all smiles for two simple reasons: (1) Dexter Dilford who’d pulled him out of a drug induced sewer and (2) the joy as he witnessed the craziness of his little sister (Emma-wife of Dexter Dilford) and his niece Zoey (age fourteen) as they and the other Touring Bruces attacked their audiences with playful mirth and outright insane folly. ‘Careful with those guitars!’ By the way, Tony Roadies was loved and endeared by everyone on the tour!
J&D&SPW&MSC&W: Everyone on the tour?
Mr.SASMO: Yeah! Everyone on the tour! ‘What the hell happened Galen?’ Oh Tony wasn’t angry as that was all in the past. But he was just a little curious as to ‘what the hell was going on in Phoenix?’ Hell, he already knew as the story of those young boys and that teenage Mary Jane from Indiana or MJI was all over the news but he did so enjoy the banter with Galen who like himself had been rescued by The Touring Bruces.
J&D&SPW&MSC&W: Rescued by The Touring Bruces?
Mr.SASMO: Yeah! Rescued by The Touring Bruces! ‘Just a little tired of Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers’ Last Dance with Mary Jane, that’s all they were playing on my one station radio while I sat in traffic in Phoenix waiting to get onto the 10.’
J&D&SPW&MSC&W: Just a little tired of Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers’ Last Dance with Mary Jane, that’s all they were playing on my one station radio while I sat in traffic in Phoenix waiting to get onto the 10?
Mr.SASMO: Just a little tired of Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers’ Last Dance with Mary Jane, that’s all they were playing on my one station radio while I sat in traffic in Phoenix waiting to get onto the 10! ‘Still wanting to be a soldier?’ Tony laughed himself into a cough. ‘Better give up those fags as that smokings gonna kill ya!’ Came back Galen whose name’s inherent meaning is Healer! ‘Gotta die sometime!’ Tony coughed out with another laugh in an excited voice filled with anticipation: ‘But not tonight!’ ‘I know! The Bowl dammit!’ ‘It’s been awhile!’ ‘Much too long my friend! Much too long!’
J&D&SPW&MSC&W: Then what happened?
Mr.SASMO: This! Meanwhile, just down the street from the Hollywood Bowl at the Hilton Garden Inn; Dexter, Emma and Zoey Dilford were just waking from their late afternoon nap brought on by their crazy activities earlier that day which had led to this extremely late nap. And while napping was a normal routine for concert night; still, they were never this late.
J&D&SPW&MSC&W: Then what happened?
Mr.SASMO: The NewsFlash or NF!
NewsFlash: In New York City, New York, Pamela Pixy hears the voices noisily in her head directing her to Los Angeles, California where an epic hot pursuit’s in progress: ‘Why’s this news worthy?’ Pamela to the voices in her head: ‘Dexter Dilford!’ in reply. ‘Come in Presley!’ Pamela calling out to Presley Pixy also looking exactly like Kelly Ripa from the ‘Kelly and Michael Show’ on the rival ABC television network:
‘Pamela dear!’ Presley’s excited and ready to begin. ‘It’s the most wondrous thing to happen in LA for ages! An actual slow speed chase through the streets of downtown Los Angeles as the LAPD pursues rock star Dexter Dilford and his wife and daughter as they were dressed as,’ Presley stopping to laugh out loud, ‘The Touring Bruces!’ ‘Sensational!’ responded Pamela back in New York City. ‘Only here on the California West Coast!’ closed Presley Pixy.
Mr.SASMO: For you see, it all started earlier that day as Dexter, Emma and Zoey Dilford showed up for their live interview with Sam Ruben from KTLA5 dressed as The Touring Bruces whereas their skill stick was set in motion immediately: ‘Good Day Bruce!’ shouts Bruce.
J&D&SPW&MSC&W: Good day Bruce?
Mr.SASMO: Yeah! Good Day Bruce! Exactly what was shouted back by the other two Bruces!
J&D&SPW&MSC&W: And what was shouted in return?
Mr.SASMO: ‘Australia! Australia! Australia!’ shout all three Bruces in three-part harmony. ‘So what’s all this then?’ roared the littlest Bruce.
‘What’s that Bruce?’ hollered back by the beautiful lady Bruce. ‘Where’s all the Bruces?’ asked the littlest Bruce. ‘Gonna cause a bit of confusion don’t ya think?’ The gentlemen Bruce turned to the one who seemed to be in charge. ‘So than, you name’s not Bruce?’
J&D&SPW&MSC&W: And what did the one whose name wasn’t Bruce shout back?
Mr.SASMO: ‘Sorry?’ the non-Bruce so called “Sam” was slightly off balance. And here’s where the actual slow speed chase through the streets of Los Angeles originated as the three Bruces speedily dashed from the KTLA5 TV station out onto Fernwood avenue and down the street to a nearby Denny’s on North Van Ness avenue where all three Bruces began to loudly question all the non-Bruces having their morning breakfast as to why they weren’t named Bruce?
J&D&SPW&MSC&W: Non-Bruces?
Mr.SASMO: Yeah! Non-Bruces! ‘You there!’ the gentleman Bruce to a little non-Bruce boy maybe six or seven years old: ‘So than, you’re not named Bruce?’
J&D&SPW&MSC&W: A non-Bruce boy maybe six or seven years old not named Bruce?
Mr.SASMO: Yeah! A non-Bruce boy maybe six or seven years old not named Bruce! ‘No sir! My name’s Johnny.’
J&D&SPW&MSC&W: A non-Bruce boy named Johnny?
Mr.SASMO: Yeah! A non-Bruce boy named Johnny! ‘Bruce!’ the gentleman Bruce began to loudly shout: ‘Bruce!’
J&D&SPW&MSC&W: Bruce? He shouted Bruce?
Mr.SASMO: Yeah! He shouted Bruce! ‘What is it Bruce?’ The beautiful lady Bruce and the littlest Bruce ran over to hopefully calm down the gentleman Bruce who was having a most difficult time with this little non-Bruce boy supposedly named “Johnny!”
J&D&SPW&MSC&W: Then what happened?
Mr.SASMO: ‘Bruce!’ hollered the beautiful lady Bruce. ‘I’m confused!’ while turning to the little non-Bruce boy: ‘Why aren’t you named Bruce than?’
J&D&SPW&MSC&W: He wasn’t, that is, the non-Bruce boy of maybe six or seven years old, named Bruce?
Mr.SASMO: No! ‘I don’t know?’ laughed the little non-Bruce boy. ‘Bruce!’ yelled the littlest Bruce. ‘What is it?’ asked the gentleman Bruce.
‘The non-Bruce police!’ For you see, in all the confusion the manager of the Denny’s had actually called the police as she believed her restaurant to be under siege by ‘crazy people!’ as excitedly stated to the LAPD desk sergeant.
J&D&SPW&MSC&W: This’ getting exciting!
W: Some Good Ole Fashioned Chinese Green Tea or GOFCGT sold by Mother Eu-funh or Playful Phoenix, a Mom and Pop Corner Tea Store in Hong Kong, China or MEPPMPCTSHKC and popcorn hons?
J&D&SPW&MSC: Yes please!
W: Be right there with it!
J&D&SPW&MSC: And then?
Mr.SASMO: ‘Holy shit Bruces!’ exclaimed the gentleman Bruce. ‘Run for it!’ And so it began as the three Bruces tore out of Denny’s through a back door and onto the streets of Los Angeles where the slow chase of the century was in hot pursuit and surely broadcasted to the delight of a Southern California Audience or SCA just loving whatever fun came their way. And oh by the way, the streets of Los Angeles were lined to the hilt as working people everywhere stopped whatever they were doing to come outside and wildly cheer on The Touring Bruces as they ran from the non-Bruce police! ‘Australia! Australia! Australia!’ shouted the crowds on the street. ‘Australia! Australia! Australia!’ shouted the running Bruces in return as they continued to run from the non-Bruce police. ‘Australia! Australia! Australia!’ once again shouted the delightfully cheering crowd as they shouted their approval of The Touring Bruces!
J&D&SPW&MSC: And then what?
D: Some more Good Ole Fashioned Chinese Green Tea or GOFCGT sold by Mother Eu-funh or Playful Phoenix, a Mom and Pop Corner Tea Store in Hong Kong, China or MEPPMPCTSHKC and popcorn hons?
J&D&SPW&MSC&Mr.SASMO: Yes please!
W: Get right to it!
Mr.SASMO: And all of a sudden it was at West Sunset Boulevard and North Hollywood Avenue that the three Bruces lost one another in all the confusion. But just like that, the gentleman Bruce and the beautiful lady Bruce found one another but a little problem had occurred:
J&D&SPW&MSC: What little problem occurred?
J: Some more Good Ole Fashioned Chinese Green Tea or GOFCGT sold by Mother Eu-funh or Playful Phoenix, a Mom and Pop Corner Tea Store in Hong Kong, China or MEPPMPCTSHKC and popcorn, please!
W: Get right to it!
Mr.SASMO: ‘Bruce!’ shouted the gentleman Bruce. ‘Bruce!’ shouted back the beautiful lady Bruce who apparently was standing just behind the gentleman Bruce but not noticing, either one, what had occurred: ‘Bruce!’ an octave high, an octave low. ‘Bruce!’ and on and on it went as the back to back Bruces were getting nowhere quickly.
J&D&SPW&MSC: How’d the beautiful lady Bruce and the Gentleman Bruce find each other?
Mr.SASMO: Oh but miracle of miracles as the littlest Bruce suddenly came running up to the back to back Bruces: ‘Bruce!’ the littlest Bruce shouted. ‘The non-Bruce police!’
J&D&SPW&MSC: The non-Bruce police?
Mr.SASMO: Yeah! The non-Bruce police! ‘Oh shit!’ the gentleman Bruce finally turning around while starring into the face of the beautiful lady Bruce while hugging her tightly: ‘Run for it Bruce!’ And off they went heading for the world famous Hollywood Bowl and an evening of fun, frolic and most certainly; wonderful music. Indeed, believe it or not!
J&D&SPW&MSC&W: This’ just continues to get exciting! Some more Good Ole Fashioned Chinese Green Tea or GOFCGT sold by Mother Eu-funh or Playful Phoenix, a Mom and Pop Corner Tea Store in Hong Kong, China or MEPPMPCTSHKC and popcorn, please!
W: Sorry! No more Good Ole Fashioned Chinese Green Tea or GOFCGT sold by Mother Eu-funh or Playful Phoenix, a Mom and Pop Corner Tea Store in Hong Kong, China or MEPPMPCTSHKC and popcorn! All outta time!
SPW: Please return next time as we continue the exciting saga of Mary Jane from Indiana or MJI! Believe it or not!
MSC: I don’t!
J&D&SPW: Shut up!
* * *
To our cherished “LISTENERS” out there hopefully if not finally glad to “not” be “VIEWING” “their” Com.com’s Live Streaming Service or CCLSS! But instead “LISTENING” to our ‘A Live Silent Radio Hour’ which’s live yet pre-recorded here at The Spank the Monkey Café in the heart of downtown Seattle, Washington of the United States of Go Canadian Hockey or GCH: America!! I’m Jonathan and many thanks once again to “our” cherished “LISTENERS” who are finally delighted that ‘A Live Silent Radio Hour’ which’s live yet pre-recorded has returned! We’re so sorry you had to live through that nasty “VIEWING” pardon the language, Crap or C! I mean to say! Really SORRY! But I wish to thank all of you for tuning in once more while again leaving any semblance of rational thought at the door as for the sake of TheJefferys: How in the hell can you listen to silent radio? Never understood that one but hey folks! We’re back! (Inspirational Pause!) And please cherished “LISTENERS”, come back next time to hopefully Find-Out-the-Facts or FOFs concerning the nature and cause of our Collective Delusion or CD as we Tell “Our” Tale or TOT of what happened with those mischievous boys from Colorado City, Arizona or CCA and that divinely exquisite Mary Jane from Indiana or MJI! Please stay safe and always watch out for those Frenzied, Extremely Agitated Regrettables or FEARs who see their own reflection in the Mirrored Sunglasses or MSs of those who would Un-Naturally or UN ridicule our Blessed Way of Life here on Silent Radio or SR! And please! Make sure to thank TheJefferys! And so I’m pretty certain! And Good Night Irene!
* * *
D: Jonathan?
J: Yes Drew?
D: Mary Jane from Indiana or MJI?
J: What about her?
D: She wasn’t even in this Episode or E?
J: It’s a long, long story Drew! At least that’s what SASMO said!
Mr.SASMO: That’s Mr. SASMO to you too!
J&D: Whatever!