Don't Say the "M" Word!
A Very Merry Christmas Special or AVMCS!
Whoever enters here honors me; whoever doesn’t- pleases me.
-Friedrich Nietzsche
Live Yet Pre-recorded- Episode XXIII of:
Don’t Say the “M” Word!
A Silent Radio Hour: Live Yet Pre-Recorded
A Very Merry Christmas Special or AVMCS!
MJ: Welcome to our ‘A Very Merry Christmas Special’ or AVMCS here on our ‘A Silent Radio Hour’ live yet pre-recorded at The Spank the Monkey Café in the heart of downtown Seattle, Washington in the United States of not knowing what the hell Christmas’ all about anyway: America!
MD: And it’s so very good to be here live yet pre-recorded on Christmas Day or CD!
MWW: And that’s dido for me as well!
MJ: What say you there Ms. Show Censor or MSC?
MSC: Yeah! Whatever! Just so long as people are out there spending their Hard Earned Cash or HEC celebrating what’s made America great; that’s fine by me!
MJ: And what’s made America great Ms. Show Censor or MSC?
MSC: Commerce!
MJ: And not religion?
MSC: Indeed! The two go hand in hand!
MJ: In what way?
MSC: Both are commodities for sale!
MJ: Really?
MSC: Yes really!
W: Some tea hons?
MJ&MD&MWW: Yes please!
W: No tea for you hon?
MSC: Since this’ Christmas, a Good Old Fashioned Christian Holiday or GOFCH! May I ask a question?
W: Possibly?
MSC: Is that Good Old Fashioned Christian Tea or GOFCT?
W: No GOFCT here! Only Good Old Fashioned Chinese Green Tea or OGOFCGT from Mother Eu-funh or Playful Phoenix, a Mom and Pop Corner Tea Store in Hong Kong, China or GOFHGGTMEPPMPCTSHKC!
MSC: Whatever!
MD: Aren’t those Asian people in China pagans and not Christians?
MSC: If you’re not A Christian or AC than you must be a pagan!
MWW: What’s a pagan anyway?
MSC: It’s a person or a community of people who observe a poly-theistic or many godds religion, as in say, the Greek and/or Romans!
MD: Clever chaps those Greeks!
MJ: They’re the best!
MSC: Whatever! Anyway, a pagan’s a member of a religious, spiritual or cultural community based on the worship of nature or the earth! It’s a person who’s not a Christian, Jew or Muslim! Basically, a heathen! An irreligious or hedonistic person! An uncivilized or unenlightened person!
W: Some more “pagan” tea from Mother Eu-funh or Playful Phoenix, a Mom and Pop Corner Tea Store in Hong Kong, China or GOFHGGTMEPPMPCTSHKC hons?
MJ&MD&MWW: Yes please!
MSC: Now wait just a moment! Are you people implying that Good Old Fashioned Christian White People or GOFCWP are unsympathetic to the plight of the Non-White Peoples or NWP of the earth? That we Good Old Fashioned Christian White People or GOFCWP turn our noses down on people who don’t believe in the Good Old Fashioned White Mr. Jesus or GOFWMJ?
MJ: That’s Caucasian or C young lady!
MWW: Wait just a moment! I didn’t authorize having Mr. Jesus or MJ on our ‘A Very Merry Christmas Special’ or AVMCS here on our ‘A Silent Radio Hour’ live yet pre-recorded at The Spank the Monkey Café in the heart of downtown Seattle, Washington in the United States of not knowing what the hell Christmas’ all about anyway: America!
MD: He’s already here so why not?
MJ: Sounds good to me!
MWW: Okay than! Let’s get back into it!
MJ: Hey cherished listeners! I’m Jonathan and this’ my brother Drew and we’re prayerfully so not the Property Brothers!
MD: That right cherished listeners! We’re Jonathan and Drew and this’ our ‘A Silent Radio Hour’ live yet pre-recorded and we actually have, in the flesh as it were, a Smiling Happy Mr. Jesus or SHMJ! And perchance, this Smiling Happy Mr. Jesus or SHMJ’s an actual Caucasian Person or CP!
MJ: Imagine that!
MD: Just like in all of those Renaissance Frescos and painting and sculptures and drawings! For you see: Our Smiling Happy Mr. Jesus or SHMJ’s really of European decent!
MWW: You mean Our Smiling Happy Mr. Jesus or SHMJ’s Euro Trash or ET?
MD: Afraid so!
MSC: That’s Blasphemy or B! Jesus’ a Smiling Happy Evangelical Christian of Caucasian Decent or SHECCD! True Red, White and Blue: American! or TRWBA!
MJ&MD&MWW: Whatever!
W: Some more “pagan” tea from Mother Eu-funh or Playful Phoenix, a Mom and Pop Corner Tea Store in Hong Kong, China or MEPPMPCTSHKC hon?
SHMJ: Yes please!
MJ&MD&MWW: May we have some more “pagan” tea from Mother Eu-funh or Playful Phoenix, a Mom and Pop Corner Tea Store in Hong Kong, China or MEPPMPCTSHKC please?
W: Of course you may! What nice, polite boys all of you are!
MJ&MD&MWW&SHMJ: Thank you!
MSC: Well I never!
MJ: Quite possibly the truth!
MSC: FAKE NEWS ALERT!
MJ: Why?
MSC: This “so-called” Smiling Happy Mr. Jesus or SHMJ’s obviously an imposter sent by Satan or S to deceive us!
MD: Whatever! Now back to the real meaning of Christmas! Jonathan? Front and center!
MJ: For what?
MD: We need you to explain the meaning of Christmas to all our cherished listeners out there!
MJ: Okay! I’ll try!
MD: Give it your best!
MJ: Let me use a 1965 animated TV Special based on the Comic Strip Peanuts by Charles M. Schulz: A Charlie Brown Christmas!
MD: Great idea! Go for it!
MJ: The program made its debut on CBS, December 9, 1965. In the special, lead character, Charlie Brown, finds himself depressed despite the onset of the cheerful holiday season whereas his friend, Lucy suggests that he direct a neighborhood Christmas play, but his best efforts are ignored and mocked by his peers. After Linus tells Charlie Brown about the true meaning of Christmas, Charlie Brown cheers up, and the Peanuts gang unites to celebrate the Christmas season.
MWW: This’ exciting stuff!
MD: You mean Stupid…
MWW: Not today Drew! It’s Christmas! Let’s let Jonathan finish his story!
MJ: Peanuts had become a phenomenon worldwide by the mid-1960s, and the special was commissioned and sponsored by The Big Bad if not Bold Coca-Cola Company or TBBBCCC and Their Horrendously if Not Inexcusably Sweetened “Soft” Drinks or THNISSDs!
MJ: Really mean Shit or S as far as your body goes!
MWW: It’s Christmas! Don’t Say the “S” Word!
MD: Whatever!
MJ: The movie was written over a period of several weeks, and animated on a shoestring budget in only six months.
MD: Kinda just like our ‘A Silent Radio Hour’ live yet pre-recorded at The Spank the Monkey Café in the heart of downtown Seattle, Washington in the United States of not knowing what the hell Christmas’ all about anyway: America!
MJ: More or less! Now listen! In casting the characters, the producers went an unconventional route in hiring child actors. The program’s soundtrack was similarly unorthodox as it features a jazz score by pianist Vince Guaraldi.
MD: Love that Dancing Dog or DD Snoopy!
MWW: Everyone does!
MD: Not the neighbor’s cat!
MJ: Moving forward! Its absence of a laugh track, a staple in US television animation, in addition to its tone, pacing, music, and animation, led both the producers and network to wrongly predict the project would be a disaster preceding its broadcast.
MD: Just like our ‘A Silent Radio Hour’ live yet pre-recorded here at The Spank the Monkey Café! Everybody thought we’d be a disaster!
MWW: I know I did!
MD: But just look at us now! We even have as our in-house guest here on Christmas Day or CD, a Smiling Happy Mr. Jesus or SHMJ!
MJ: Onward and upward! Contrary to perceived apprehension, A Charlie Brown Christmas or ACBC received high ratings and acclaim from critics.
MD: Just like us! Living The Dream of LTD!
MWW: So about this story?
MJ: The story goes like this: The Peanuts gang is celebrating the start of the winter season by ice skating on a frozen pond and singing ‘Christmas Time Is Here’ or CTIH!
MWW: Just keeps getting more exciting! Do we have any popcorn left from India?
MD: Sorry!
MJ: Okay! Leaning against a nearby fence, Charlie Brown tells Linus that despite all the traditions of Christmas presents, Christmas cards and decorations; he’s still depressed but is not sure why. Linus dismisses Charlie Brown's attitude as typical, quoting Lucy: ‘Of all the Charlie Browns in the world, you're the Charlie Browniest!’
MWW: Wish I had me some Good Old Fashioned American PopCorn Made in the Good Old USofA! or GOFAPCMGOUSA!
MD: Maybe the Smiling Happy Mr. Jesus or SHMJ can help us out there?
MWW: What’d say there Smiling Happy Mr. Jesus or SHMJ, can you help us out with the popcorn?
MD: Snoopy’s neighbor’s cat got your tongue there Smiling Happy Mr. Jesus or SHMJ?
MJ: Hey, it’s his birthday! Doesn’t have to say anything if he doesn’t want to! Now moving on! Charlie Brown’s depression’s only made worse by the goings-on in the neighborhood, most of which’s caused by America’s Rampant Commercialism or ARC!
MD: But that’s the American way!
MJ: Charlie Brown encounters Snoopy at his doghouse where he’s further disgusted when he finds out that his dog has entered the doghouse into a lights and display contest with a cash prize.
MD: Lights on the house! Grand displays! Pure Americana or PA!
MJ: To make matters worse, he’s accosted by his sister Sally who asks him to write her letter to Santa Claus.
MD: What a good brother! Just like you Jonathan!
MJ: Maybe! Maybe not! When she hints at having an extremely long and specific list of requests and says she will accept large sums of money as a substitute, let’s say: ‘Tens and Twenties’ or TT’s, Charlie Brown’s dismayed while blowing a gasket and runs away!
MSC: This “so-called” Charlie Brown’s not really an American now is he?
MJ: Charlie Brown arrives at the rehearsal, but he is unable to gain control of the situation, since everyone in the play has their own complaints, and everybody would rather dance along to the jazz-rock band with
Schroeder on keyboards, Snoopy on an inaudible electric guitar and Pig-Pen on bass.
MWW: Love the Dancing Dog of LDD!
MJ: The play’s revealed to be quite post- modern, with an upbeat jazz score, a ‘Christmas queen’ shepherds, innkeepers and penguins but no identifiable Biblical figures.
MSC: Penguins? Here in America?
MD: No penguins in the gospel story that I know of!
MJ: Snoopy’s attempt at humor!
MWW: I found it not only fun! But so much more: Funny!
MJ: Of course you did! It’s here that a displeased Charlie Brown decides the play needs ‘the proper mood’ and suggests they should get a Christmas tree, which by the way’s really a “pagan” symbol!
MD: Really? I didn’t know that!
MJ: Of course you didn’t! Now, Lucy instructs him and the accompanying Linus, to get an Aluminum Christmas Tree that’s Big, Shiny and Pink or ACTBSP! Just like the suits you usually wear, Drew!
MD: Whatever!
MJ: Now when they get to the lot, filled with numerous trees fitting Lucy's description, Charlie Brown ironically and symbolically chooses the only “real” tree there which’s a tiny sapling. Linus’ unsure about Charlie Brown's choice but Charlie Brown’s convinced that all it needs is some decoration and it will be just right.
MWW: What happens next? Gotta get me some popcorn!
MJ: Linus and Charlie Brown return to the auditorium with the tree only to be scorned by Lucy and all the other who, along with Snoopy, walk off laughing. At his wit’s end, Charlie Brown loudly asks if anybody knows what Christmas’ all about. Linus says he does and, after walking to center stage, recites the annunciation to the shepherds from the Gospel of Luke, chapter 2, verses 8 through 14:
And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, Fear not; for, behold, I bring you tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you: Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger. And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace and goodwill towards men!
MJ: Linus then walks back over to Charlie Brown and gently says, ‘That’s what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown’. Whereas Charlie Brown quietly picks up the tree and walks out of the auditorium toward home, now determined not to let Commercialism or C ruin the holiday.
MSC: FAKE NEWS ALERT! It’s blasphemy I tell you! Commercialism or C is as Christian if not American as Apple Pie or CAAP, which by the way, pies and not cakes are served after Christmas Dinner or CD!
MJ: Whatever! Charlie Brown stops at Snoopy’s decorated doghouse, which now sports a blue ribbon for winning the display contest; he takes a large ornament from the doghouse and hangs it at the top of his tree but the branch’s unable to hold the ornaments weight and drops to the ground: THUD or T!
MD: Poor Old Charlie Brown or POCB!
MJ: Exactly! Believing he has killed the tree, Charlie Brown walks off in shame, believing he has ruined everything. Linus and the others, who realized they were too hard on Charlie Brown, quietly followed him to Snoopy's doghouse. Linus admits he always liked the tree while gently propping the drooping branch back in its upright position and wraps his blanket around its base where the others add the remaining decorations from Snoopy’s doghouse to the tree!
MD: Good for them!
MWW: Had does it end?
MJ: They all start humming: ‘Hark! The Herald Angels Sing’.
MD: And then?
MJ: Charlie Brown returns and the gang all joyously shout ‘Merry Christmas Charlie Brown!’ They all begin to sing: ‘Hark! The Herald Angels Sing’ and Charlie Brown joins them as the special ends!
MD&MWW&SHMJ&W: Bravo or B!
MSC: This is not Christmas or C!
MD&MWW&SHMJ&W: What?
MSC: Christmas’ shopping online! Waiting in long lines at the mall to sit on Santa’s lap! It’s All-American Consumerism or AAC! Full-Blown or FB to the Max or M! It’s get out the plastic and Burn-Baby-Burn or BBB! Go Into Further Debt to Prove that You Care or GIFDPYC about American Big Business or ABB!
MJ&MD&MWW&SHMJ&W: Whatever!
MJ: Hey! And that’s Christmas! May The Jefferys have delivered to you what you’ve been hoping and praying for!
MD: More Stupid Ass Scratching Stuff or MSASS!
MJ: Good night and sweet dreams of once more!
MD: More Stupid Ass Scratching Stuff or MSASS!
* * *
To our cherished audience out there hopefully still listening to our ‘A Live Silent Radio Hour’ which’s live yet pre-recorded; I’m still disappointingly so, the show’s producer Warren Williams and I wish to thank all of you for tuning in once more while once again leaving any semblance of rational thought at the door as for the sake of TheJefferys: How in the hell can you listen to silent radio? I’m still here live yet pre-recorded and I simply don’t understand any of this! ( Inspirational Pause!) And please cherished audience, come back next time to hopefully Find-Out-the-Facts or FOFs concerning the nature and cause of our Collective Delusion or CD!
* * *
MD: Hey Jonathan?
MJ: What Drew?
MD: Santa wasn’t very nice to me this year!
MJ: Sorry about that!
MD: And by the way?
MJ: Yes?
MD: The Smiling Happy Mr. Jesus or SHMJ didn’t have much to say! Why not?
MJ: Don’t know Drew! I just don’t know!
MD: And Jonathan?
MJ: What now Drew?
MD: Is TheJefferys Cult or TJC “pagan?”
MJ: Couldn’t be! Com.com’s everywhere! Omnipotent! Omniscience Omnipresent! or OOO!
MD: At least I have something to hold onto!