Don't Say the "M" Word!

Whoever enters here honors me; whoever doesn’t- pleases me.

-Friedrich Nietzsche

          

       Live Yet Pre-recorded- Episode VI of:

Don’t Say the “M” Word!

     A Silent Radio Hour: Live Yet Pre-Recorded

J: We’re back live yet pre-recorded here at The Spank the Monkey Café after a particularly rough weekend!

         D: Rough doesn’t begin to tell the story of what transpired after our corporate sponsor, TheMightyCom, shouted: CUT!

         J: Indeed brother Drew, the weekend was a grueling harsh reality of what misfortune can come about when confronted by the fury if not force of a worked-up multinational corporation!

         D: For you see cherished listeners, someone or some others within Com.com seemed rather peeved about our continuing interview with SASMO, the Stupid Ass Scratching Mark Oglesby!

         J: Truth be told, we had to hurriedly get SASMO out of the café as the Com.com Hit Squad just kept knocking at the door and wouldn’t be put off by our fun if not freelance, fancying banter!

         D: I ever told crude jokes!

         J: Nothing worked! Couldn’t get them to go away! So we just gave up and sent SASMO out one of the cafés doors!

         D: Secret doors of which we haven’t permission to speak about just yet! To our cherished listeners: We’re Sorry!

         J: Indeed, this’ Jonathan and Drew who are not yet the Property Brothers and correct, we’re terrifically sorry!

         D: So as to our being sorry and making up for our inability to confide with you the knowledge of the café’s secret doors, to you our most cherished listeners, we’ve decided to use this Episode of our ‘A Silent Radio Hour’ to recap our weekend from hell escorted through the before mentioned HELL! By the Com.com Hit Squad!

         J: So than mysterious voyagers, journey with us through the neither regions of dissolute despair as we stream through our adventure with the unfriendly fellows of the Com.com Hit Squad who just wouldn’t stop knocking at a door, which theoretically speaking, they had no way of knowing that it existed in the first place!

         D: In the first person!

         J: Anyway, onto our weekend from hell!

         D: It all began as our waitress escorted SASMO to one of the secret doors just as the Com.com Hit Squad threw open an opposite door!

         J: Terrified the hell outta me as I never expected those goons from TheMightyCom to actually be able to open any of the café’s doors!

         D: Wow! That just doesn’t happen around here much!

         J: It’s never happened to us before!

         D: We were frozen in fright! And if it wasn’t for the quick thinking of our waitress who engaged the Com.com Hit Squad with TT as she was ‘more tea hons?’ and they were ‘oh yes please!’ and she was ‘I like those tan loafers!’ And they were ‘ah shucks, thank you mam!’ anyway; without her quick thinking, SASMO would have been good as caught!

         J: And while I can’t stand that smug, pretentious little whiner and his constant ‘that’s Mark please!’ still, he’s vital to what we’re trying to do here!

         D: Which is?

         J: To clue all of you in, our once again cherished listeners, it’s vital to understand the dark forces at work in a multinational corporation!

         D: Which are?

         J: In the case of Com.com; we have the opposing forces of Administration and Technology! They’re locked in a deadly struggle for control of the multinational corporation and the billions and billions of dollars that’s at stake!

         D: Not to mention the company gigabytes and their access to the cloud!

         J: Oh to TheJefferys! Access to the cloud and its all important database and all that information which comes with it: Drum roll please!

         D: Silent radio dear brother!

         J: Whatever! POWER!

         D: To say the least! These two opposing forces are going to use whatever means possible to win the company civil war and gain control of the powerful multinational!

         J: And key to all of this is insider information which our Stupid Ass Scratching Mark Oglesby or SASMO possesses!

         D: And as it turns out, our Com.com secret sponsors’ are from Administration, and if we want to continue to suck on that Corporate Tit or CT, keeping our SASMO safe’s first and foremost in out thoughts!

         J: And that’s just what caused our weekend from hell to become what it was: Hell!

         D: Amen to that!

         J: For you see cherished listeners, the vile Com.com Hit Squad seemed to believe that we, Jonathan and Drew…

         D: Who are most definitely not the Property Brothers!

         J: …actually understood and thusly knew where the hell SASMO went when our waitress opened one of those secret doors allowing him to escape the once again vile Com.com Hit Squad! Well gee-whiz, they worked us over pretty good attempting to get something we just didn’t have!

         D: Below our Stupid Ass Scratching Pay Grade or SASPG I’m afraid!

         J: Said that often!

         D: What’s that?

         J: I’m afraid! No matter what they did to us, it wouldn’t work! We didn’t know a thing!

         D: And they wouldn’t believe us!

         J: They’d say: ‘We don’t believe you Jonathan and Drew who our obviously not the Property Brothers who, those being the actual Property Brothers, are really believable but you two aren’t!’

         D: We were insulted!

         J: And in pain!

         D: On and on it went: ‘We don’t believe you Jonathan and Drew who are obviously not the Property Brothers who are really believable but you two aren’t!’

         J: I still don’t have any feeling in various areas of my anatomy!

         D: As do I dear brother! As do I!

         J: And they just wouldn’t stop! ‘We don’t believe you Jonathan and Drew who are obviously not the Property Brothers who are really believable but you two aren’t!’

         D: Oh and that was a low blow!

         J: Which low blow brother? There was so many!

         D: When the beatings started, I said to the extremely hostile Com.com Hit Squad: ‘Hey guys, you’re going to kill us with behavior such as this!’ And they said: ‘We don’t kill people! We kill ideas!’

         J: And I said: ‘You’re the Com.com Hit Squad! Of course you kill people! And yes, ideas as well!’

         D: And they said: ‘We’re the Com.com Hit Squad! We hit people in their faces like this!’

         J: And they proceeded to hit us both in our faces for what seemed to be a very long period of time!

         D: Blacked out many, many times!

         J: As did I dear brother! As did I!

         D: But they kept insisting that we’re nothing but pathological liars which was the worst of it though!

         J: That’s correct cherished listeners! We’re not pathological liars! We merely lie when it’s convenient!

         D: And that the convenience to lie happens almost all the time, well; still, we’re not pathological!

         J: In that manner anyway!

         D: And speaking of pathological ( Inspirational Pause!).

         J: Pathological, yes?

         D: Seems our Producer, Warren Williams, was the inside informer who allowed the Com.com Hit Squad knowledge and access to one of the café’s doors!

         J: Really? And how do you know that Drew?

         D: As we walked in this morning after our 51/50 interlude to pre-record our live ‘A Silent Radio Hour’ Warren waved our worthless check in my face while laughing out loud: ‘It was me! I called the Com.com Hit Squad and gave them the information they needed to find the Stupid Ass Scratching Mark Oglesby, SASMO!’

         J: Is this true Warren? Did you bring the notorious once again vile Com.com Hit Squad down on our heads?

         W: Not only that! I gave them suggestions on how to proceed with the various blows delivered! Below the belt and all!

         J: Can we make this right by issuing another check?

         W: Sure! Why not!

         D: Boy that was easy!

         J: Don’t want to lose such a valuable member of the team!

         D: One team! One dream!

         J: Correct dear brother! We’re Jonathan and Drew who are most unquestionably not, the Property Brothers!

         D: Now back to our weekend from hell and what those mean people from TheMightyCom did to us!

         J: And as hard as this is to describe, the details being gruesome; I have to go into detail if only to get you, our cherished listeners, to understand the severity of our weekend from hell!

         D: Please go on brother Jonathan!

         J: This’ difficult for me as it was so personal if not anti-social!

         D: What happened?

         J: They tore my favorite plaid flannel shirt right off my back! And you know what they did?

         D: Yes! I was there throughout the entire nightmare!

         J: I was merely being rhetorical Drew! Just merely being rhetorical!

         D: So what’d they do, dear brother?

         J: They threatened to burn my favorite plaid flannel shirt right before my crying eyes! ‘Don’t do it!’ I shouted! They laughed while one of them attempted to flick his Zippo! ‘Damn you Zippo!’ he screeched maniacally as he just kept flicking that damn Zippo while screaming at the top of his lungs: ‘Damn you Zippo!’

         J: Silently I gave thanks to TheJefferys for his mercy as the fiendish Com.com Hit Squad wasn’t able to burn my favorite plaid flannel shirt right before my very eyes!

         D: And what did they do instead?

         J: They started in on my tool-belt!

         D: And what did they do to your tool-belt?

         J: Called her horrible names!

         D: Her?

         J: Yes Drew, her! My tool-belt’s a beautiful woman wrapped around my waist tightly! Giving me security in an insecure world! Caressing while cuddling my grateful manhood! A manhood which I call…

         D: You call?

         J: Zippo!

         D: Zippo? Incredible! Simply incredible!

         J: Just what she says!

         D: Which one? The tool-belt or your girlfriend?

         J: Both dear brother! Both!

         D: Incredible! Simply incredible!

         J: So when that mean man from the Com.com Hit Squad started screeching something about ‘Damn you Zippo!’ I was really worried for maybe the first time that entire weekend!

         D: And for you, our cherished listeners remaining riveted by our weekend in hell, please brother, give the details which ended it all and allowed you to keep your cherished manhood!

         J: A compromise was made as the Com.com Hit Squad had other people to hit in the face as the day was growing long! Or as Bruce Jefferys continually states: ‘Always the Timeline!’

         D: And what was this compromise?

         J: That we’d make a statement to the public on our next ‘A Silent Radio Hour’ and stand by it!

         D: And they believed you?

         J: They said they’d be back if necessary as the really demented one just keep repeating: ‘Damn you Zippo!’

         D: And will we keep our word dear brother?

         J: Better bet your pretty little Zippo that we will!

         D: Got me there dear brother! So then, drum roll if you might!

         J: Silent radio dear brother!

D: Whatever! The statement please!

J: Stating for the record which is privately public while being pre-recorded live! ‘Our knowledge of any such “secret” doors is less than zero! We have no invested interest in any realization or its understanding of such inter-dimensional portals or “secret” doors as they’re “believed” to be called here at The Spank the Monkey Café. Furthermore, we solemnly, in all sincerity, swear to never mention anything concerning “secret” doors ever again or at least until the next opportune moment which happens to arrive for our financial benefit!’

         D: That last part about the ‘next opportunity’ being understood, and so we believe by the extremely friendly if not pleasant, Com.com Hit Squad who were just ever so peachy while here for a very short visit!

         J: And flicking that Zippo which manically screaming: ‘Damn you Zippo!’ not withstanding; it was a magical moment all around!

         D: Yes, magical all around! Hey folks, thanks for tuning in as we must now tune out while leaving you, our cherished listeners with this!

         J: On our next installment of our ‘A Silent Radio Hour’ we intend to go inside the psychiatric community and detail for you, our once again cherished listeners, what the hell’s a 51/50 and why we had some swimmingly wonderful time with those fun lovely Psych-Techs or PTs down at city hospital on the Psych-Ward or PD!

         D: See you tomorrow!

         J: Silent radio Drew!

         D: Whatever!

                                                *        *         *

To our cherished audience out there hopefully still listening to our ‘A Live Silent Radio Hour’ which’s live yet pre-recorded; I’m still disappointingly so, the show’s producer Warren Williams and I wish to thank all of you for tuning in once more while once again leaving any semblance of rational thought at the door as for the sake of TheJefferys: How in the hell can you listen to silent radio? I’m still here live yet pre-recorded and I simply don’t understand any of this! ( Inspirational Pause!) But this I do understand! Drum roll please!

         J&D: Silent radio Warren!

         W: Whatever! Their check cleared!