Don't Say the "M" Word!
Whoever enters here honors me; whoever doesn’t- pleases me.
-Friedrich Nietzsche
Live Yet Pre-recorded- Episode IV of:
Don’t Say the “M” Word!
A Silent Radio Hour: Live Yet Pre-Recorded
J: We’re back once more and aren’t you really happy about that.
D: Was that a declarative statement or a question, Jonathan?
J: Both! Neither! I’m still pondering the nature of being live yet pre-recorded here on silent radio and its conundrum which kept me up all last night: Didn’t sleep a wink!
D: Hey neither did I! What’s up Jonathan?
J: Has to do, I believe, with us being twins! You know: We’re Jonathan and Drew who are not the Property Brothers!
D: And to repeat for those of you just catching up with our live yet pre-recorded show, ‘A Silent Radio Hour’ please show some patience as there’s much to tell.
J: Indeed Drew, much to tell! And that’s what must have kept us both up all last night!
D: Or was it yesterday or perhaps tomorrow? Maybe last week?
J: So you see cherished listeners, no one can really tell when it comes to the Mysteries of the Universe or MU!
D: And that’s exactly what our show’s trying to do! Unlock some of the Mysteries of the Universe!
J: And here to help us is the author of this remarkably mind-boggling if not mind-blowing chronicle of the ultra- amazing corporate entity; drum roll please!
D: Silent radio Jonathan! Can’t hear us!
J: Then please, once again, use your imagination! TheMightyCom! Please, welcome the Stupid Ass Scratching Mark Oglesby or SASMO!
M: That’s Mark please!
J&D: Whatever!
J: Now SASMO…
M: That’s Mark please!
J: Whatever! Listen…
M: This’ silent radio!
D: He’s got a point Jonathan!
J: He’s point being that of a true SASMO!
D: Play nice brother!
J: Very well! When you portray Com.com, who by the way is one of our many corporate sponsors filling our coffers with endless amounts of cash, why do you have such a poor opinion of ComManagement and what they’ve accomplished in just a few short years? Isn’t our sacred way of life ordained by the hallowed, Consecrated Captains of Commerce or CCC?
D: I like that Jonathan!
J: Thank you Drew!
M: It is! And it must stop!
J&D: But why?
M: Let me tell you a story!
J&D: Tell a story! ( Inspirational Pause!) Tell a story Mr. Mark! What a SASMO!
M: That’s Mark please! It goes something like this: At the end of each operational year all management personnel are required to endure the Business Review.
D: Sounds horrible!
J: This’ corporate culture Drew, it’s meant to be horrible!
D: I see!
M: No you don’t! Anyway, at these events…
D: Events are fun times!
M: Not in these cases! You see, each individual manager must face-off with their fellow departmental peers in mortal combat as to qualify themselves as being fit for another fiscal year of service.
D: Sounds ghastly!
J: It’s meant to be Drew! Remember, corporate culture here!
D: Sound more like Corporate Cult or CC!
J: Whatever!
D: Or Corporate Crap or another CC!
J: Whatever!
M: May I continue?
J: Whatever!
M: The manner of this affair is gladiatorial in nature as the online retail warriors orally engage in a life and death struggle to remain a part of the “TEAM!”
J: As it should be!
M: The losers become “Rejects” while the winners are rewarded with more work and responsibility as the overall process of getting ahead in business, especially here at Com.com, takes it toll on those who engage in such hot pursuit.
D: Pursuit of what?
M: ‘A Life Worth Living’ or ALWL but we’ll get back to that later!
D: But why later?
J: Because he’s a SASMO! That’s why!
M: That’s Mark please!
J: Whatever!
M: The review process is a week’s long event, worldwide in scope, where the “joust” is a martial, aggressively belligerent contest as the men are separated from the boys as these business professional’s fight for their very fiscal lives in competitions so challenging that their very limits of endurance are tested wherein mental and physical breakdown is indeed prevalent! Think of the ancient Chinese civil service exams and you might come close to what it’s like!
D: Chinese civil service exams?
M: The ancient ones! Imagine something so extreme that many of the participants actually died in the process and were thrown over the wall so their relatives could retrieve and dispose of the bodies!
D: Does Com.com do that today?
J: They wouldn’t!
M: The hell they do!
D: Appalling!
M: Continuing: This rite of passage is annually maintained in the belief that one must never rest on his or her past performance as to suggest that no one’s indispensable. High or low, all are expected to endure.
D: Endure?
M: Yes, endure! For it’s the fundamental conviction of CEO and founder Bruce Jefferys…
J&D: May TheJefferys be praised for his benevolence continually!
M: Whatever! Look, it’s survival of the fittest which has made Com.com what it is today: A brutal plutocracy which eats its young while vomiting on the innocence of so long-ago aspirations.
D: Yucky!
M: True dat! And to say the least, there has been in the past the occasional, okay, all the time day and night, bouts of crying at ones desk over the normal wear and tear of Corporate Life or CL.
D: Corporate Life?
M: Yes, Corporate Life where battles are fought and losers are left to fend for themselves while the winners are carried away on the triumphant shoulders of the adoring masses looking to gain favor in the eyes of the victor.
J: As it should be!
M: But please remember the tale of our dear ‘Deacon Blues’ when he sings from the depth of his tired old his soul:
D: And what does he sing SASMO?
M: That’s Mark please! He sings…’They got a name for the winners in the world/I want a name when I lose…’
D: Wow!
M: And here it hits hard as the corporate losers sit and cry at their desks from their failure to compete appropriately in the games of Contentious Commerce or CC as the forlorn cry is sounded: ‘There’s no crying in online retail! Back to work or back to the streets!’
J: I approve whole heartedly! Competition makes us great! And if a few tears are shed by the multitudes, so be it!
D: But shouldn’t we cry for the multitudes who have lost so much for the so few who prosper at the cost of the so many?
J: Never!
M: Back on point! At Com.com, as with so many corporations, your choice determines the outcome in this Corporate Culture of Survival of the Fittest or CCSF. And a fine living example of this entire process would be that of Walter Marshall, Streetwise “QuickStep” (?) Dealer or SQSD.
D: You spoke about this earlier but didn’t clarify what’s a “QuickStep” (?)? Let alone Streetwise “QuickStep”?
J: What a SASMO!
M: That’s Mark please! Streetwise “QuickStep” (?) is exceedingly illegal as it is also prosecuted with extreme prejudice. Remember what was said earlier: “QuickStep” (?) belongs to and is the sole property of the Com.com conglomerate so hands off! And this certainly includes any and all cheap knock-offs!
D: And who’s this elusive Walter Marshall?
M: Walter Marshall’s a University of Washington graduate who was in training to become an economist whose sole interest if not intent was to be an “Entrepreneur” deluxe making money hand in fist. And what better way to quickly grab the gold than through the dealing of illegal drugs.
J: Kinda like the guy! Savvy thinking!
D: Kinda illegal brother!
J: And Wall Street, TheBigBanks, MultiNational Corporations, American Conglomerates and the such aren’t crooks? Jonathan?
D: When you look at it that way, I guess its okay some of the time but never on MainStreet or MT!
J: Agreed dear brother! MainStreet’s not to engage in this behavior because someone’s got to hold the ethical line somewhere, somehow!
D: But not us!
J: Never! For you see, we’re Jonathan and Drew and we’re still not the Property Brothers!
D: Amen to dat!
J: Commerce is king! All hail the Kings of Commerce or KC! Or how else would anything get done in today’s reality?
M: Back on point, please!
J: If we must SASMO!
M: That’s Mark please!
J: Whatever!
M: But the basic problem in dealing drugs would be the acquisition of both supply and territory. Hey, there are some very dangerous people out there who will hurt you over these type of things: What to do?
D: And what did this Walter Marshall character do SASMO?
M: That’s Mark please! Well he simply found a venue untapped due to the very notion that that sort of thing doesn’t happen there or that that sort of thing is already taking place in a locality so secure that no right minded thinking drug dealer would ever attempt such a thing.
J&D: Wow!
M: Wow indeed! And what with his drug of choice being the “QuickStep” (?), the question remains: Is the “QuickStep” (?) really an illegal drug? Answer in return: Com.com has a higher calling so the government has given a “provisional” some might call it a “transitional” exemption allowing the “QuickStep” (?) to be maintained “only” at the corporate and/or facility site. Walter Marshall was cut off even before he began: What to do?
D: What did he do?
M: Since joining the FC was out of the question as Walter had heard all the horror stories and wasn’t quite ready for that; hey, facing hardened drug dealers would be easier.
D: Easier?
M: Yes, easier! Look, and so his thinking went, if he was able to join the team at corporate as let’s say an administrative assistant, he could work his way through the Bureaucratic Corporate Ranks or BCR by buying and selling various items that he might get his hands on.
J: Great thinking all around! Do the deal! Become a Republican!
M: And while he never possessed the wherewithal to succeed as either an Executive or a Techie, his educational choice of UW being FC management material at best, he did enjoy the aptitude of appearance, presentation, production and arrangement as he staged the “personal event” in and of the dubious transaction.
D: Dubious transaction?
M: Yes, dubious transaction! His plan was simple if not direct, work his way into the confidence of the Corporate Hierarchy or CH through the acquisition of questionable background information on office rivals and use that data to gain access to company shares and use those shares to gain admittance to company gigabytes.
J: I like this Walter Marshall!
M: And with gigabytes in hand, Mr. Marshall would be able to trade the valuable commodity for the company sanctioned “QuickStep” (?) and then sell it on the street where it was in fact strictly forbidden public fruit to any and all possessing something of value which Walter would turn over into something else. Ergo: Walter the Entrepreneur Extraordinary or EE! Yes, a fine example of Corporate America or CA! But more of this later.
J: And that’s just what we’re doing here at The Spank the Monkey
Café’! Drew and I, who are still not the Property Brothers, can also become EE’s and acquire ‘A Life Worth Living!’
D: What he said!
M: Please then, back to crying at ones desk!
J: If you need to cry SASMO, please go outside!
M: That’s Mark please!
J: Whatever!
M: Anyway, it’s in fact easy to understand why morale at headquarters was rating low on the survey scale so a place for such wanton displays of dreaded defeat, a cancer for any entity, private or public, needed to be established where these individuals might go and weep away their sorrow and cause no harm to the group’s sense of worth.
D: And where’s this mythical place of crying’s to be?
M: The Cry Room or TCR was instituted, at the suggestion of Walter Marshall…
J: Peach of a man this Walter Marshall!
D: Indeed, a peach of a man!
M:… as a place where “public displays” would no longer be a problem which harmed the drive and confidence of the group but at the same time used as a motivational tool where a shared reminder of failure was similar to being placed in old fashioned “stocks” in the public square. Cameras and monitors were installed for continuous viewing of that certain pain and agony which failure brings to those unfortunate “losers”! Again, life in online retail can be hell on wheels!
J: What a great idea! This Walter Marshall guy’s going into my top ten of Memorable Corporate Characters or MCC!
D: Ditto!
M: And for certain, all of this eventually led directly to what insiders tend to call or label the PharmaVac, again, a suggestion by Walter Marshall for those people who in this day and age of enormous conglomerates are at wits ends when it comes to dealing with time off. If someone is always on call and must constantly keep in touch with their Organizational Operatives or OO, when and where can one actually enjoy a vacation?
D: What’s the solution SASMO?
M: That’s Mark please!
J: Whatever!
M: The solution’s this! Now, you’ve put out tens of thousands of dollars for that perfect recreational retreat, that holiday which screams “phenomenal” and you’re at a loss to understand why you’ve spend all of your time in a musty internet cafe, neglecting the family, and haven’t in fact seen the sky since the airport, you must in all honesty ask yourself: “Is it worth it?” because an angry wife is in fact difficult to live with, don’t you think?
J: Don’t I know!
D: You’re not married Jonathan!
J: Yes, but I was referring to the girlfriend!
M: What to do? Stay in the safety of your own home and/or office by taking a PharmaVac. Hey, use modern technology to your benefit as you incorporate an amalgamated synthetic element into your need to get away. Fly the skies as you soar above modernity on your pharmaceutical voyage to infinity. And make it the perfect trip by realizing that your passage through the door is pain free, side effects non-existent, recovery time near zero, health provider covered and company ordained. Free and clear as any present danger just doesn’t exist.
J&D: All hail TheJefferys for his innovation!
J: And all hail those wonderful corporations which throw money at us, Jonathan and Drew who are still not but hoping to one day become, the Property Brother!
D: See you all tomorrow!
J: They can’t see us Drew, this’ silent radio!
M: Whatever!
* * *
To our cherished audience out there hopefully still listening to our ‘A Live Silent Radio Hour’ which’s live yet pre-recorded; I’m still disappointingly so, the show’s producer Warren Williams and I wish to thank all of you for tuning in once more while once again leaving any semblance of rational thought at the door as for the sake of TheJefferys: How in the hell can you listen to silent radio? I’m still here live yet pre-recorded and I simply don’t understand any of this! Yes please, I too need to take a PharmaVac immediately following our program today as I’m certain you do as well! So please, book that reservation and fly the skies as you soar above modernity on your pharmaceutical voyage to infinity! And please, make one for me as well because I simply cannot figure out how or why I ever let those two, Jonathan and Drew, who are obviously not the Property Brothers, talk me into this gig! And by the way, I’m still waiting for their check to clear! ( Inspirational Pause!) Goodnight! Oh and by the way, please remember: Don’t Say the “M” Word! And please, whatever you do: Don’t be a SASMO!