Don't Say the "M" Word!
Whoever enters here honors me; whoever doesn’t- pleases me.
-Friedrich Nietzsche
Live Yet Pre-recorded- Episode III of:
Don’t Say the “M” Word!
A Silent Radio Hour: Live Yet Pre-Recorded:
D: And we’re back!
J: And it’s about time!
D: What time is that Jonathan?
J: Tea Time or TT, Drew! Time to call out the wonderful Chinese green-tea served here at The Spank the Monkey Café’!
D: Absolutely Jonathan; time to call out all the great food here as well at the café which is totally vegan, organic, non-GMOs, natural, healthy, and very much free and clear of any and all food processing methods known to ravenous, industrialized humanity.
J: Wow!
D: Wow’s correct dear brother as there’s nothing else to eat or drink here at The Spank the Monkey Café’ except good wholesome, actually living food which isn’t killing the very body, soul and spirit outta a land wasting away: America!
J: And correct cherished listeners! If your plans are for some of that basic slop which’s dead and/or dying; you know, that Stupid Ass Scratching Swill or SASS lacking any kind of actual Stupid Ass Scratching Nutrition or SASN and your wish’s genuine Stupid Ass Scratching Shit or SASS, hey then; bring it with you!
D: That’s correct Jonathan: Bring it with you!
J: And that’s just what those Techies from Com.com do when they venture forth into TheZenZone! Or TZZ!
D: So please, explain for our cherished listeners what it is we’re talking about Jonathan?
J: Firstly Drew, let’s look at what’s actually a Techie and why they’re important to any of us.
D: Okay than, what the hell’s a Techie, and why are they important to us?
J: Clearly Drew, these people are the backbone of an industry, any industry, which almost depends entirely on technological innovation.
D: How so Jonathan?
J: From start to finish, online buying and selling is directed by vast mythological computerized metrics and algorithms which measure any and everything up to and including the very dimensions of our Aunt Ruthie’s big fat ass.
D: Aunt Ruthie’s ass isn’t that big Jonathan!
J: Oh yes it is! But listen: The Techies know everything there is to know about everybody as nothing’s left unattended, nothing’s left to chance!
D: Great!
J: Not really Drew! But in being the heart and soul of online commerce, the Technology Department’s a constant threat to Administration and its Executive Board who have never trusted those strange people in the first place.
D: Really?
J: Yes, really! And if only to reciprocate, the Techies loath those smug, pretentious Ivy Leaguers who act as if “their shit don’t stink!”
D: And does it?
J: Does what?
D: Does their shit stink?
J: Absolutely! Now, putting it mildly, class warfare’s a constant threat at Com.com as well as at all major companies and corporations existing on this side of the dark side of the moon: “They’re freaks I tell you!” and other such unpleasantness of this nature.
D: Who are the freaks Jonathan?
J: All of ‘em! They’re all freaks I tell you! Anyway, within the Technology Department there are many departments, divisions, sub-divisions, anti-chambers, subterranean mysteries, inter-dimensional portals, lost mythical cities and any other number of ancient people, places and things which oversee the smooth operation of the giant behemoth simply entitled: TheMightyCom!
D: Wow Jonathan! Kind of scary when you think about it!
J: And what’s so scary Drew?
D: That people like this actually exist here in the land of liberty still trying to be: America!
J: And what people are “they,” Drew?
D: Those corporate, big business people attempting to rule the world!
J: And that segues…
D: Segues?
J: Yes, segues or proceeds to what follows without having to pause! A continuation of what we’ve been talking about! Do you understand the words coming out of my mouth, Drew?
D: No!
J: We’re talking about the might, force and fury of American corporations and how they affect the lives of people living in our world today.
D: But what about the Techies and why they continually come back to The Spank the Monkey Café even though they won’t even try the all natural, organic food tastily prepared daily?
J: We’ll get back to that later!
D: Promise?
J” Promise!
D: Do go on then Jonathan!
J: So as we stated yesterday; our guest today’s a living, breathing, actual in the flesh Whistle-blower who’s written a fabulous book about the hidden worlds inside an American corporation!
D: And what corporation might that be Jonathan?
J: The one we’ve painstakingly been talking about!
D: You mean Com.com?
J: Yes! I mean Com.com and all its evil minions!
D: Evil minions? Gets more frightening the further you go, Jonathan?
J: What?
D: Those evil corporations frighten me!
J: As they should dear brother, as they should! Anyway, without further ado, please welcome our guest today, the Stupid Ass Scratching Author or again, SASA and his Stupid Ass Scratching Book or SASB with its Stupid Ass Scratching Title or SAST; please, author and whistle-blower: Stupid Ass Scratching Mark Oglesby or SASMO!
D: Is SASMO going to scratch his Stupid Ass Scratching Ass or SASS?
J: Hopefully Drew, no! So, may I call you SASMO?
M: Absolutely not! Please, just call me Mark!
J: Okay than Mr. Mark, I’ll call you ( Inspirational Pause!), Mark!
M: That’s my name!
D: But SASMO sure sounds exciting!
J: How’s that Drew?
D: Has a bit of a flare to it! You know: Hey cherished listeners, please welcome SASMO to The Spank the Monkey Café and our ‘A Silent Radio Hour’ live yet pre-recorded.
M: And nobody will be able to recognize me even though we’re live yet pre-recorded?
J: Certainly not! You see SASMO…
M: That’s Mark please!
J: Whatever! Anyway, this’ silent radio and no one can see you or any of this!
M: And they won’t recognize my voice?
J: Once again SASMO…
M: That’s Mark please!
J: Again, whatever! This’ silent radio! NO one can hear you!
M: So than why the hell are we doing this anyway?
J: For the corporate money Stupid! What a SASMO!
M: That’s Mark please!
J: Whatever!
D: Can we please get on with this! It’s nearly Tea Time or TT!
M: But I’m a steaming hot coffee man!
W: No coffee here! Only Tea!
J: Sorry SASMO…
M: That’s Mark please!
J: Whatever! Listen…
M: But this’ silent radio!
D: He’s got a point Jonathan!
J: Whatever! You see, when the waitress says “No Coffee!” or NC, she means it!
W: Sorry hons, but those are the rules!
M: Very well, I’ll take some TT!
J: Great! TT it is! Now SASMO…
M: That’s Mark please!
J: Whatever! How is it that you were able to breech the barrier which separates all the rest of us from the hidden under-belly of the commercially induced identity and actually venture forth into the Corporate Zone or CZ?
M: I filled out an application!
D: Sounds easy!
M: Then try it sometime!
D: You mean actually go to work?
J: Sound ghastly if you ask me!
M: It is! It’s supposed to be!
J: Why? What’s all the fuss about?
M: The fuss’ all about earning a living and paying your bills!
D: FAKE NEWS ALERT!
M: Fake news?
J: Yes SASMO…
M: That’s Mark please!
J: Whatever! Listen! A big part of our receiving Corporate Cash or CC has to do with our commitment to the FAKE NEWS ALERT!
D: Or FNA!
J: Yes! FNA or the FAKE NEWS ALERT! Allows us to warn our cherished listeners here on silent radio that something which might upset the general populous and their uninformed view of Said Stated Corporate Reality or SSCR which has become: America! Might not be in their best interest or that of the our Corporate Over-LordS or COLS!
M: But what has that to do with earning a living and paying your bills?
D: Everything! It has to do with the before mentioned Corporate Cash or CC which allows us to stay on silent radio!
M: And thus the FNA concerning the FAKE NEWS ALERT!
J: You seem to be getting it SASMO…
M: That’s Mark please!
J: Whatever! So you just moseyed on up to Com.com, asked for an application, and stated rather calmly: “I’m here applying for the Whistle-Blower’s Position!” or WBP! Is that correct?
M: Doesn’t work that way I’m afraid!
D: Then how does it work?
M: In my case, I filled out an application at a Com.com hiring event, my pulse was checked to insure that I was actually alive, and hocus-pocus, I was led inside the Seattle1 Fulfillment Center and ordained a ‘Picker’ whatever the hell that means because at the time I had no idea!
J: So exactly, what’s a ‘Picker’ SASMO?
M: That’s Mark please!
J: Whatever!
D: So what’s a ‘Picker’?
M: Simply stated: a person; male or female of any race, creed, color or national identity not to mention gay, straight, lesbian or transgender identification’s welcome to come in and slave for the multinational brute: Com.com!
J: Please go on!
M: Anyway, a ‘Picker’ actually picks customer orders or Stupid Ass Scratching Stuff or SASS as it’s called at the FC which is then packed and sent off to a delightfully cheering public who just wants their Stupid Ass Scratching Stuff or SASS cheap, on time and undamaged!
D: Please go on SASMO!
M: That’s Mark please!
J: Whatever!
M: For example, let me quote from my book titled: Zen & the Art of Mastur…
J&D: Don’t say the “M” word SASMO!
M: That’s Mark please!
J&D: Whatever!
M: So here’s just a brief introduction as to working conditions existing within the Fulfillment Center Flow Chain or FCFC!
J: Please make it brief!
M: There’s this myth within the modern industrial if not institutional mindset that workers love to sing happy songs and dance and play games while they tirelessly go about their efforts of making tons of money for other people through their conscientious labor:
J&D: Bullshit!
M: There’s this religious passion inherent in the notion that the Protestant work ethic of Max Weber fame requires all workers to labor tirelessly for the benefit of someone else, for the overall welfare of the corporation when it comes to “company needs” as its been stated time and time again!
J&D: Bullshit!
M: At Com.com it’s normal for the various Operations Managers to come down from their FC Flow Tower and encourage these “Beacons of Hope” with such words as would suit the innumerable situations of the day: ‘The children are expecting their Christmas presents! We can’t disappoint the little ones!’ is one such method of rallying the troops when the numbers are not what had been expected.
J&D: Bullshit!
M: There’s this aphorism at TheMightyCom concerning the nobility in the quest to delight if not instantly gratify the customer in pursuit of the satisfaction of a job well done. A Beacon of hope is that Confederate who places the customer before everyone and everything in existence: Your family! Your friends! Your community! Your cultural and/or national identity! Your very loving God!
J&D: Bullshit!
M: Inside the Fulfillment Center there is a rather large and incredibly long pathway which many have taken to calling: ‘The Field of Dreams’ as this area is where Com.com celebrates the past, present and future ventures of the company which have been put on display. It’s an honor to walk, quickly by the way, this celebrated path that leads to the ultimate discourse in civilized commerce where the wants, needs and hidden desires of our devoted customers are fulfilled for the purpose and pleasure of our modern day shoppers!
J&D: Bullshit!
M: Bullshit indeed! For you see, quoting again from Zen & the Art of Mastur…
J&D: Don’t say the “M” word!
M: ‘The Field of Dreams’ has always been a place where the confederate can come and believe that his or her efforts are not in vane! That the long hours of over-work and short pay have been worth the misery of numerous repetitive motion injuries and the long term disabilities incurred. Yes, here is a place of true belief!
J: Preach to the choir SASMO!
M: Also for your amusement, we have the FC Lunchroom which has taken on the feel that exists in, let us suggest, a refugee camp or perhaps a homeless encampment; that certain quality which states: Here’s where tragedy has abandoned her misfortunate infant! We could also say that the FC lunchroom is a place where those seeking temporary living quarters end up staying for the foreseeable future.
D: Tell it like it is!
M: For example: Over in a certain corner one might witness a shopping cart loaded with what appears to be objects of a personal nature; let us surmise these belongings are shirts, shorts and socks; underwear, shoes and various hygiene products; books, radio and other urban enticements whereas one might venture into the depths of delightful perhaps frightening dreamscape: whatever!
J: Indeed SASMO, whatever!
M: And yes, there will be the occasional security clashes where some folk will be asked (manhandled is the correct term but very rarely used due to the media circus atmosphere which takes place from time to time) to leave as the situation seems to be getting out of hand (and that simply refers to the expanding number of persons taking advantage of the living conditions and the free “rent” that they are abusing).
D: May the Jefferys punish the guilty!
M: And towering above the FC work floor is the Operations Flow Tower where all decisions concerning the flow of customer orders is calculated with meticulous precision totaling the mass output of workable hours manifested. Nothing’s left to chance as failure’s unacceptable if not unimaginable within life here at the Fulfillment Center.
J: Manifest the spirit SASMO!
M: A guard’s tower overlook looms dauntingly horrific as the confederates gaze in fearful apprehension of that day’s posted numbers. What would happen to the unfortunate soul who missed the mark, who was unsuccessful in their attempt to merit out triumphant profitability? An unknown equation on this day at this time.
D: Ghastly, simply ghastly!
M: ‘Let’s Circle Up’ as the day begins at the FC where the Circle of Uncertainty forms under the guise of inventive information, physical stretching, mental agility, emotional stability and psychological manageability; where judgment’s rendered as to whether or not a confederate will be allowed into the flow: Always the assessment!
J: Speak the word SASMO!
M: In truth, Stand-up’s a pseudo-religious gathering intended to confer perhaps bestow functional identity upon its recipients who wish to be established within the chain reaction of flow diversity. In other words: Attendance is mandatory as daily propaganda has always been a time honored device of social control. Nothing must ever be left to chance as demonstrated by the Algorithm Syndrome.
D: The what syndrome?
M: In the very notion and aptitude of what many have come to call “forced enthusiasm” we witness a device so devious as to be termed a natural occurrence in the life of a humble human being; in the turmoil of those just wishing to earn a living!
J: May the Jefferys bless them brother SASMO!
M: The algorithm syndrome remains a repressive tool expressing the very finite amount of time, space, distance; application, physical exertion, sweat, blood and tears given in well-defined formal language for calculating workforce functions.
D: I feel the spirit descending!
M: Starting from a primary state the initial input, perhaps disingenuous if not entirely pointless, the flow dictate represents a calculation, when executed properly, proceeding through a finite number of well-defined successive states which produce allotted output and terminating with the required results.
J: And what are the results brother SASMO?
M: At Com.com numbers are supreme as the heated intensity of mandated bench marks is the ever widening gap of success or failure, engaged or termed as the choice always remains in the hands of those who labor away at the FC and thus the idiom: “Entitlement Targets” as the results determine whether or not you are still among the living as it were. In which case there are four basic processes which clarify, verify and ascertain your present state if not condition as to your further if not future standing as an FC Confederate:
D: Wow!
J: And may the Jefferys strike me dead if I’m lying! This’ existing Stupid Ass Scratching Stuff or SASS brother SASMO but we’ve run out of time! In fact, we’ve actually gone overtime and our corporate sponsors just won’t allow this sort of nonsense!
D: Indeed, nonsense!
J: So then, see you all tomorrow as we continue our interview with Stupid Ass Scratching Author or SASA; Stupid Ass Scratching Mark Oglesby or SASMO!
M: That’s Mark please!
J&D: Whatever!
* * *
To our cherished audience out there hopefully still listening to our ‘A Live Silent Radio Hour’ which’s live yet pre-recorded; I’m still disappointingly so, the show’s producer Warren Williams and I wish to thank all of you for tuning in while once again leaving any semblance of rational thought at the door as for the sake of TheJefferys: How in the hell can you listen to silent radio? I’m still here live yet pre-recorded and I simply don’t understand any of this! Yes please, once again, immediately following our program, make that appointment with your shrink or local parish priest and if you might, make one for me as well because I simply cannot figure out how or why I ever let those two, Jonathan and Drew, who are obviously not the Property Brothers, talk me into this gig! And by the way, I’m still waiting for their check to clear! ( Inspirational Pause!) Goodnight! Oh and by the way, please remember: Don’t Say the “M” Word! And please, whatever you do: Don’t be a SASMO!