Don't Say the "M" Word!
Live Yet Pre-recorded- Episode II of:
Don’t Say the “M” Word!
A Silent Radio Hour: Live Yet Pre-Recorded:
D: We’re back!
J: Live yet pre-recorded!
D: And what a fun way to earn a living while live yet pre-recorded here inside the famed Spank the Monkey Café in the heart of downtown Seattle, Washington of broken down yet still barely standing: America! I’m Drew and this’ my brother Jonathan and we’re still not the Property Brothers!
J: Indeed cherished listeners, we’re not the Property Brothers although we’d certainly love being in the position they’re in!
D: How’s that Jonathan?
J: Well Drew, look who’s sponsoring them!
D: And who’s that Jonathan?
J: The mighty HGTV!
D: Oh my Jefferys! The mighty HGTV! How the hell did they ever get that gig?
J: Well hell Drew, just look at ‘em! Handsome! Warm and fun loving! Smooth as silk in their presentation! Totally professional! They love people, people’s kids and pets; people’s Stupid Ass Scratching Stuff or SASS; people’s in-laws, out-laws, hangers-on; damn, they even smell good, and so I’ve been told, even when they’re pounding the living hell outta some restoration project which’s in demo mode!
D: I know Jonathan! And most importantly?
J: Yes Drew?
D: People can actually SEE them because they’re on live TV!
J: And we’re not! Because, we’re not the Property Brothers!
D: Amen to that brother!
J: What ‘da yah mean by “Amen” Drew?
D: Listen! When they walk down the street, go to a restaurant for a romantic evening with their lady friends, attend some event as they get all those free comps; their experience’s ruined by all their fans wishing to take the photo, asking for an autograph, giving an impromptu presentation hoping for fame and fortune on HGTV; damn, they have no privacy whatsoever, and why?
J: So tell me, why don’t they have any privacy, Drew?
D: Because they’re on live TV and people know what they look like! But we’re on Silent Radio which’s live yet pre-recorded so no one knows what we look like or even sound like! Oh to the Jefferys! What a fate!
J: But Drew! People stop us all the time on the street and ask for those very same things; hell, even more so because we look exactly like the Property Brothers but we’re not!
D: Well I can’t speak to all of those propositions, proposals, illicit offers from both women and men, and something to do with a donkey; but yes, we suffer in silence because hey, we’re not the Property Brothers and we’re not on live TV!
J: That’s correct cherished listeners! We’re not on live TV because we’re live yet pre-recorded here on Silent Radio! So as to this evening’s madness!
D: Madness, Jonathan?
J: Yes, madness Drew! I’m as mad as hell and I not gonna take it anymore!
D: What are you talking about Jonathan?
J: Nothing! I’ve just been hoping to say that Peter Finch line from the fabulous film ‘Network’ my entire life and I had the chance, and took it!
D: And good for you Jonathan! And you out there listening to our Silent Radio program live yet pre-recorded; hey, stop and take a chance and do something for a change! Get up off your ass where you’re always waiting around for more of your Stupid Ass Scratching Stuff or SASS coming to your Stupid Ass Scratching Doorstep or SASD from Com.com, the mighty online retail giant who by the way is one of our many corporate sponsors, and take a chance and just maybe change your life’s trajectory for the better!
J: And that’s just what Drew and I did! We took a chance and pitched our ‘A Silent Radio Hour’ to the good people at ComVideo and do you know what they did, Drew?
D: Yes I do Jonathan as I was there as well! But please, let our cherished listeners of our ‘A Silent Radio Hour’ hear the story of what happened to us when we took a chance and pitched our idea to the good people at ComVideo.
J: Well you see cherished listeners out there patiently waiting for us to say something interesting here on our Silent Radio program, ComVideo told us straightaway to go to hell and to not pass go and to not collect two hundred dollars! “Bullshit!” Was one of the many colorful words they used!
D: And some very derogatory words concerning our mother!
J: Indeed Drew, some very derogatory words about mom or Babe as she’s known around the Phoenix, Arizona area.
D: Do tell!
J: Well mom or Babe’s a 60 something woman going on a hundred and ten, and looks it! She’s the mother of two “crazy” boys…
D: That’s us by the way!
J: …and God knows how many grand children spread out over the western-half of these here United States of America! Hey, they’ve…
D: Once again, that’s us!
J: …been busy little bees pollinating the hell outta the before mentioned western-half of these here United States of America!
D: Buzz! Buzz! Buzz!
J: That’s correct: Buzz! Buzz! Buzz! Anyways, mo
m or Babe’s a chain-smoking, foul-mouthed, wonderment of a total bitch who don’t take “shit from no one!” Unquote! Hey America, we all have an old hag of an auntie out there somewhere who fits this very description.
D: The very description which produced us!
J: Jonathan and Drew who are most certainly ‘not’ the Property Brothers!
D: Anyway Jonathan, back to the ComVideo presentation, please?
J: Not much to tell Drew! We pitched our ‘A Silent Radio Hour’ program live yet pre-recorded and were immediately yelled at, laughed at, threaten with legal action all the while the specter of police intervention constantly being mentioned if we didn’t “GET THE HELL OUTTA THE BUILDING POST HAST!” Quote, unquote!
D: Kinda extreme don’t yah think, Jonathan?
J: Indeed Drew! And if a night in city jail taught me anything…
D: And what’s that Jonathan?
J: It taught me to constantly keep one eye open at all times!
D: And?
J: When dealing with a mighty online retail multi-national corporation; that when they say “LEAVE!” they mean it!
D: Good to know Jonathan! And so sorry I left you there at ComVideo holding the preverbal bag! I have no excuses!
J: Indeed Drew, none of us has any excuse for leaving a man behind! And the unfortunate happenings inside city jail notwithstanding; I’m still here live yet pre-recorded on our ‘A Silent Radio Hour’ program! Which by the way, one day we just walked into The Spank the Monkey Café and started pre-recording while live with our brand new idea which’s catching fire even as we speak!
D: Live yet pre-recorded here on our ‘A Silent Radio Hour’!
J: And ain’t America just grand!
D: Yes it is! (Inspirational Pause!) Now its here that we’d like to give all of the details which has led to our ‘A Silent Radio Hour’ and how it actually came about.
J: Please do Drew!
D: It was one day that I was visiting a brand new bookstore here in downtown Seattle, Washington of just barely able to read a book: America!
J: What’s the name of the new bookstore, Drew?
D: Something weird with the name Amazon on it with some Stupid Ass Scratching Arrow or SASA pointing into what looks like a Stupid Ass Scratching Box or SASB.
J: Sounds weird to me Drew! Who are they?
D: An up and coming, flash in the pan if you ask me, .com business. Some say ‘better look out!’ I say: Bullshit! Anyway, while I was in the bookstore of this Stupid Ass Scratching Amazon Nonsense or SASAN, I noticed a book cover with a blazing package racing through the galaxy with flames behind it and I just had to stop and take a further look.
J: And what did you see Drew?
D: The title of the book mesmerized me Jonathan!
J: And what was the title of the book, Drew?
D: Zen and the Art of Masturba…
J: Don’t Say the “M” Word, Drew!
D: Not to worry Jonathan! We never say the “M” word here on our ‘A Silent Radio Hour’ live yet pre-recorded for you, our cherished listeners which is still coming live yet pre-recorded from The Spank the Monkey Café’ kitty-corner from the mighty Com.com; online retail giant!
J: Ah, back to the title of this wondrous book, Drew?
D: Oh, right! The book’s title, written I might add by some Stupid Ass Scratching Author or SASA named Mark Oglesby is…
J: Drum role if you please!
D: This’ Silent Radio Jonathan, how can they here a drum role?
J: With their imagination, Drew!
D: Okay than, the book title is Zen & the Art of the “M” word: Experience the End of the Aeon at The Spank the Monkey Café- A Farce or Love Story, I’m Not Certain Which that can be found online @ Book Finder: ISBN: 978-1-4809-4141-0!
J: What a Stupid Ass Scratching Title or SAST! How’d this Stupid Ass Scratching Author or again, SASA, come up with such a title?
D: Unknown at this time Jonathan! But what I do know is this, the book actually gives an insider’s story of the hidden underbelly known as Com.com!
J: WOW! (Inspirational Pause!) But Drew, I’ve just looked up the book, great title page by the way, and it’s listed as fiction, a satire. What’s up?
D: What’s up? Jonathan, what’s up is this! It’s a real life story of living and working inside a major American corporation, Com.com in our case; all the nasty dirt, warts and all!
J: Do tell Drew!
D: Oglesby’s book details the horrifying treatment dished out to everyone, top to bottom, employed by the before mentioned online retail giant! All the atrocious if not ghastly behavior! The appalling working conditions! The horrific safety issues! My Jefferys! When those ambulances were ordered by corporate to carry out the bodies of those who’d fainted due to the extreme heat, no air-conditioning you see, tears were in my eyes!
J: As were in mine!
D: All the stories of Com.com’s malignant callus cruelty’s detailed in this book! Swear to Jefferys!
J: So why the subterfuge?
D: The what?
J: You know Drew! The trick! The ruse! The dodge! The deception! The…
D: Enough Jonathan! I’ve had enough! And I’m mad as hell and not gonna take it anymore! (Inspirational Pause!) See Jonathan, I can use that line from the film Network as well! May the Jefferys bless you Peter Finch wherever you might be!
J: Yes! All give thanks to the Jefferys for his many blessings!
D: Indeed, all gives thanks to the Jefferys who gives so much too so many in so numerous instances as to warrant such praise from us, Jonathan and Drew, who are most definitely not the Property Brothers!
J: Yes, salutations to the Jefferys! But please, back on point if you might, Drew?
D: And what’s the point, Jonathan?
J: Of this Stupid Ass Scratching Show or SASS or our Stupid Ass Scratching Lives In General or SASLIN, Drew?
D: One or the other! Both! I don’t know anymore as the memory of that night in city jail’s a haunting reminder of just how fragile life can be!
J: And how fragile is that, Drew?
D: Fragile enough to actually be doing this Stupid Ass Scratching Show or SASS! Fragile enough for you, Jonathan?
J: Indeed, yes! Fragile enough! Now please, back to this magnificent book, Zen & the Art of Masturba…
D: Don’t Say the “M” Word!
J: Wouldn’t think of it Drew!
D: Great to know! Now listen! When I was in that Amazon bookstore holding that Masturba…
J: Don’t Say the “M” Word!
D: …in my very hand, I held it high in the air and shouted as loud as I could: ‘Do you all believe the obnoxious filth that’s being pushed on the general American public today?’ And Jonathan…
J: Yes Drew?
D: I was talking about this Amazon nonsense, the once again, up and coming, flash in the pan if you ask me, .com business. Some still saying ‘better look out!’ But I’m still saying: Bullshit!
J: As you should Drew! So please, continue!
D: I turned the book over and actually read; a very unpleasant or so it seems, occupation here in a land still just barely able to read a book entitled: America! Anyway, here’s what it said concerning Zen & the Art of Masturba…
J: Don’t Say the “M” Word, Drew!
D: Not to worry Jonathan, I wouldn’t think of it! Here’s the back cover: deftly wielding tongue-in-cheek humor and lyrically acrobatic prose, author Mark Oglesby takes aim at the absurdity of working and living in our highly technological, commercialized society. With a plot that hopscotches across time and space and a cast of characters foolish and farcical, Zen & the Art of Masturba…
J: Don’t Say the “M” Word, Drew?
D:…is a satire in the vein of Tom Robbins or Joseph Heller’s Catch-22, holding a funhouse mirror up to our modern on-line retail monopoly and our own insatiable hunger for Stupid Ass Scratching Stuff just one click of the mouse away (click, click, click).
J: Sounds like a good read Drew!
D: Indeed Jonathan, it’s an important read!
J: And how important is that, Drew?
D: Important enough that we actually have the author, Mark Oglesby, scheduled for tomorrows installment of ‘A Silent Radio Hour’ live yet pre-recorded! In fact, the interview with author Mark Oglesby might have already happened!
J: Kind of freaks me out Drew!
D: Freaks us all out Jonathan!
J: What, the book or that Oglesby freak?
D: Both dear brother, both!
J: Okay than, I’m Jonathan and this’ my brother Drew and we’re still definitely not the Property Brothers! So please, join us tomorrow or if its yesterday, please feel free to freak out and make your next appointment with your neighborhood psychiatrist or local priest whichever might be the case!
D: Goodnight or good day or whenever! Hoping for the best!
* * *
To our cherished audience out there hopefully still listening to our ‘A Live Silent Radio Hour’ which’s live yet pre-recorded; I’m still disappointingly so, the show’s producer Warren Williams and I wish to thank all of you for tuning in while still leaving any semblance of rational thought at the door as for the sake of TheJefferys: How in the hell can you listen to silent radio? I’m here live yet pre-recorded and I simply don’t understand any of this! Yes please, immediately following our program, make that appointment with your shrink or local parish priest and if you might, make one for me because I simply cannot figure out how or why I ever let those two, Jonathan and Drew, who are obviously not the Property Brothers, talk me into this gig! And by the way, I’m still waiting for their check to clear! ( Inspirational Pause!) Goodnight! Oh and by the way, please remember: Don’t Say the “M” Word!