Don't Say the "M" Word!
Whoever enters here honors me; whoever doesn’t- pleases me.
-Friedrich Nietzsche
Live Yet Pre-recorded- Episode XV of:
Don’t Say the “M” Word!
A Silent Radio Hour: Live Yet Pre-Recorded
J: We back and we’re live yet pre-recorded here on our ‘A Silent Radio Hour’ inside The Spank the Monkey Café just kiddy-corner from the Corporate Headquarters or CH of Com.com, the online retail giant known worldwide as TheMightyCom!
IH: You know guys that silent radio’s impossible as you have to “hear” radio! Or don’t you guys get it?
J&D: Whatever!
IH: And that’s not to mention: You can’t be live if you’re pre-record! Also impossible!
J&D: Whatever!
J: Now moving on! We’d like to return to this Nietzschian…
D: Still not Greek to me guys!
J&IH&WW&W: Whatever!
W: Some tea hons?
J&D&WW&IH: Yes please!
J: So then Mr. Howell! What about this ‘Death of God’ or DG?
D: By TheJefferys, I’m moved to tears over the Death of God or DG!
J: As we all should be!
IH: Really guys! If someone would just show me where the God damned door is…
D: God’s dead thanks to Com.com and their termination of Him better known as H! So please, don’t curse those who’ve gone to the great beyond!
IH: Whatever! If you’d just show me where the door is, I’ll promise nothing but praise for your cockamamie, half-baked, harebrained, absurd silent radio hour! And by the way, the show only goes about ten, fifteen minutes tops!
J: Yeah but those ten, maybe fifteen minutes are the most thrilling hour on-air today!
IH: Whatever! The door please! Just show me the door!
J: Now as to the Death of God or DG Mr. Howell! Let’s begin!
IH: If it’s my only option, okay! I’d like to begin with a famous passage by Friedrich Nietzsche!
D: The clever Greek chap?
IH: Someone stop him please! And would someone get that stupid producer….
J&D: Ass Scratchingly Stupid Producer or ASSP!
IH: Exactly! Get the ASSP to stop laughing at me!
J: Can’t be done! Now please, on with your passage!
IH: I’d passage right outta here if I could only find the freaking door!
J” But you can’t! So please, the quote!
IH: Here we go!
D: You sound like Peter Pan!
IH: Whatever! Okay then: The madman jumped into their midst and pierced them with his eyes. ‘Whither is God?’ he cried; ‘I will tell you. We have killed him- you and I. All of us are his murderers. But how did we do this? How could we drink up the sea? Who gave us the sponge to wipe away the horizon? What were we doing when we unchained this earth from its sun? Whither are we moving now? Whither are we moving? Away from all suns? Are we plunging continually? Backward, forward, in all directions? Is there still any up or down? Are we not straying as though through an infinite nothing? Do we not feel the breath of empty space? Has it not become colder? Is not night continually closing in on us? Do we not need to light lanterns in the morning? Do we hear nothing yet of noise of the gravediggers who are burying God? Do we smell nothing as yet of the divine decomposition? Gods, too, decompose. God remains dead. We have killed him.’
D: Oh to TheJefferys we have!
IH: And the gravediggers have buried Him or H!
J: Let us morn for what we’ve done!
IH: Even though it was Com.com who terminated God?
J: Yes! Because we all have clicked the mouse wherein we’ve bought all that Stupid Ass Scratching Stuff or SASS while assisting in the Death of God or DG! We’re all of us culpable!
IH: And just when I thought there was no hope for this cockamamie, half-baked, harebrained, absurd Stupid Ass Scratching Radio Hour or SASRH, you’re so-called silent radio hour; you go and say something like that!
D: I don’t understand! Our we also culpable…
IH: There’s got to be hope! You used a very fine word there Drew!
D: What? Are we also responsible for the Death of God or DG when we click the mouse?
J: We’re not part of Com.com but we participate due to our buying of their Stupid Ass Scratching Stuff or SASS when we go online to Mastur…
D: Don’t say the “M” word Jonathan!
J: Wouldn’t think of it!
IH: Hey, sometimes we all think of IT!
J&D&WW&W: Whatever!
W: More tea hons?
J&D&WW&IH: Yes please!
J: Okay then! Onto the Termination of God or TG!
The Final Written of God:
J: Seems the wall-to-wall attorney’s of TheMightyCom blasted Area Manager Kim with question after question as to why she’d allowed one of her workers to actually injure Himself or H on the day in question!
D: What did they say brother Jonathan?
J: They said: ‘Ms. Kim, please remember, you’re under oath!’ as Sylas the Sinister, lead attorney for the accused or is that accursed, Com.com, is a mean, nasty son-of-a-bitch of a lawyer existing here on planet blue; the man just has a way about him!
IH: I’ve met the guy! Loves to make children cry! I watched him do it one time right out in public!
D: Damn those lawyers and their wicked ways!
J: Whatever! Moving on please! Speaking of which, his way as well as his sights were set on Area Manager Kim and her questionable decision to allow H to actually beat his forehead into a bright yellow metal girder which placed him in a coma. To say the least, The Holy Roman Catholic Church or THRCC sued!
D: But what about the Protestants and the Muslims and the Mormons and the Jehovah Witnesses and the Hebrews and the Buddhists and the Hindus and the…
J: Enough! Listen, all the rest of the Religious Class or SC’s waiting to see if it’s possible to go class-action! If the courts grant it, then in for the kill and quite possibly the Death of Com.com or DCC!
IH: Read the case in the newspaper! Fascinating to say the least!
J: Now getting back to Sylas the Sinister and to our day in question, here’s what took place: H, a transplant from the heavenly abode, for some unknown, Jefferys-forsaken reason set out on a road-trip that ended up at the Seattle1 Fulfillment Center or FC where his mystical transport eerily broke down in the employee parking lot. Dark, satanic forces at work no doubt!
D: I’d imagined that H might drive something that’s a little more trustworthy if not loyal!
IH: Agreed!
J: Moving on! Having nothing on which to subsist, H inquired about employment! Maintaining a pulse, H was the perfect fit! And while H never imagined or considered work of any kind to be gainful; that’s to suggest, worthwhile; still, empty pockets led to empty bellies and so much dissatisfaction! Here’s why!
D: Why Brother Jonathan? Why?
IH: Amen to that Brother Jonathan! Amen to that!
J: Whatever! See here: H’s eternal philosophy, and this he’d memorized from his Zen online instructor, a former student of Zen Master Yuzuki, had always been based on the mathematical equation that states succinctly: ‘If you receive so much energy in a lifetime while using that same amount of energy to accomplish whatever it is you’ve manifested to be your life’s destiny than ergo equilibrium or balance has been achieved therefore why do anything in the first place, in the first person whereas you’re already in balance from the start?’
IH: Seems fairly simple when you really think about it! Just sit back and do nothing! Seems H’s always been very good at this!
D: What?
J: And that’s just what H did here at the Seattle1 FC while working for Com.com as a series of write-ups followed H in his very first week on the job leading to the incident in the break room where he was found fast asleep while snoring so loud that H could actually, if not literally be heard up in the Flow Tower or FT.
D: What happened?
J: H said: ‘I’m just resting my eyes!’ H was bewildered if not a little upset that his PA or Process Assistant had awakened him.
D: What did the PA or Process Assistant have to say? And what’s a PA or Process Assistant anyway?
J: We’ll get to that in another episode when we delve into the life and times of PA or Process Assistant Matthew Lewis of the Seattle1 Fulfillment Center or FC!
D: Looking forward to it brother Jonathan!
IH: Hey I know that guy! Drives what he calls ‘The Black Bear!’ A restored classic American truck! A real beauty!
J: Make and model Mr. Howell?
IH: Ford Wheelies Truck or FWT! Now what did the PA or Process Assistant have to say to H?
J: ‘Man! You’ve been out for hours! It’s gonna be a Final Written or FW for you H!’
D: What happened next? This’ getting exciting Jonathan!
J: H said: ‘No dude! Area Manager Kim wouldn’t do that to me! Would she?’
IH: And please, tell us what the PA or Process Assistant said in return? I tingle!
J: His response was this: ‘She’ll rip your throat out just for simply asking that question! Now get back to work!’ The PA shook his head. ‘By the way, have you actually worked at all this week?’
D: Did H actually do any work that week?
IH: As I said, H’s always been good for nothing!
J: Whatever! H just shrugged while saying ‘Oh dude!’ And off went H to do a little picking of Com.com customer orders, a most noble task here in the online universe of TheMightyCom!
J&D&IH&WW&W: Bullshit!
W: More tea hons?
J&D&WW&IH: Yes please!
J: And then all of a sudden, a message mysteriously appeared on H’s scanner screen! H was upset as H yelled: ‘What the?’ H couldn’t believe the message: ‘Come to the pick desk immediately!’ So off went H into online historical lore! ‘You wanted to see me Area Manager Kim?’
IH: What’d she say? What she say? I knew her! That little b…
J: Settle down Mr. Howell! She forcefully replied: ‘Not really! I’m busy! So let’s get this over with!’ And H said: ‘Get what over with Area Manager Kim?’ as H was clearly confused as to the nature of his present predicament.
D: And what was H’s present predicament brother Jonathan?
J: Area Manger Kim was about to terminate God or H!
D: Don’t do it Area Manager Kim! Please don’t terminate God!
IH: Oh that little bit…
D: Language! Money in the bad word jar!
IH: I was only going to say that the young lady in question…
D: Thank you!
IH: …has a reputation for her brutal if not somewhat vicious nature in her ascent to the top of the food chain! That’s she’s a Little Miserable Cretin or LMC who doesn’t care about anyone but herself and her climb to the top!
J: Moving on; our young lady in question said this to H: ‘I have to terminate you H!’
D: And what did H say! Brother, you’re frightening me!
J: No I’m not! It’s Com.com who should Scare the Living Shit Out of You or SLSOY!
IH: Indeed! Total agreement! But what did H have to say?
J: H said: ‘You’re gonna kill me?’ clearly startled if not Totally Terrified or TTed! Seems anything’s possible here in the world of online retail!
D: It’s not fair!
J: Hey, nothing fair in online retain!
IH: True dat! Screw that Com.com recruiting booth! They lied to me! Lair, lair, pants on fire! The bastards!
D: Money in the bad word jar!
J: Moving on, young lady Kim said this: ‘No you idiot!’ shaking her head in disbelief. To herself: ‘Why’s He wasting my valuable time? Back to H: ‘I’m firing you stupid!’
D: And what did H say?
J: ‘I’d rather you killed me! I’ve no place else to go! Area Manager Kim, I live in my heavenly transport in the parking lot and it’s broken down! What’s gonna happen to me?’ And Area Manager Kim replied: ‘Not my problem! You brought this on yourself!’
D: And what did H do then?
J: This! ‘Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!’ as H began slapping the side of his head. And here it gets interesting: ‘Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!’ as H began to beat his head against a nearby bright yellow metal girder: ‘Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!’ as H continued to unmercifully beat his head into that bright yellow girder: ‘Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!’
IH: And what did the L B or Little Bit…
J: Language Mr. Howell! Language!
IH: …do next?
J: She screamed in panic: ‘H’ Area Manager Kim was horrified as she continued to cry out: ‘Stop it! They’ll terminate ME for allowing this!’ as suddenly blood came pouring profusely from H’s face and head. And it was here that Area Manager Kim really got scared! ‘Please H, stop!’ She was panicked and well out of range of her management training. ‘H, stop!’
IH: I heard this story! It’s great! Go on brother Jonathan!
J: Don’t “brother” me Mr. Howell! Anyway, H countered with: ‘Will you exempt my Final Written or FW?’ H’s head resting against the bright yellow metal girder.
D: That Little Bit or LB! She should have been terminated!
IH: Oh keep listening Drew, she’ll get her just reward! Keep listening!
J: Area Manger Kim pleaded with H: ‘I’ll exempt everything if you’ll just stop beating your head into that bright yellow girder!’ She was terrified and would do anything to get him to stop! ‘Okay!’ H turned to Area Manager Kim as the blood from his face dripped to the floor. ‘I’ll stop!’ To TheJefferys, H was a mess!
IH: Here’s the bit I love!
J: Area Manager Kim politely asked H: ‘Now please, get to AmCare or AC and I’ll meet you there!’ Obviously, she needed to calm down before she began the process of grilling the “injured” Confederate who would most likely be told by AmCare or AC personnel: ‘Pre-Existing Condition or PEC! Next in line, please!’
D: And then what happened?
J: H did as he was told, that is; go to AmCare or AC and get checked out. But first, a little trip to the restroom to wash the “fake” blood off His face while He whistled on His way on down The Field of Dreams! Moral to the story?
WW: There’s a moral to this bullshit?
J: ‘What the hell?’ Area Manager Kim’s reaction to the message in an email from AmCare or AC was laughable but she wouldn’t, couldn’t see it that way: ‘That Little Son-of-a-Bitch or TLSB!’
D: Money in the bad word jar!
J: Whatever! She radioed back to AmCare or AC: ‘Send M back to me, now! ASAP!’ as the heat from her furiousness could be felt all the way across the facility!
D: How hot was her heat?
J: So hot that one Confederate said to another: ‘God damn! That was a sudden blast of heat!’ Whereas the reply from his Co-Confederate or CC told the whole story: ‘Satan’s about!’ Wherein the first Confederate answered: ‘True dat!’
D: Totally!
J: And here it comes: ‘M’! Area Manager Kim diabolically laughing while shaking her head in a mocking manner: ‘All write-ups have been reinstated and…’ wait for it! ‘You’re fired!’
D: What happened next?
J: ‘Nooooooooooooooo!’ could be heard way on the other side of the facility as well as the Confederates engaged once again: ‘Damn! What’s going on here today?’ one said! ‘It’s Satan I tell you!’ as once again: ‘True dat!’
D: This’ exciting stuff brother Jonathan!
IH: Again, I tingle!
WW: True dat!
J: There was this diabolical laugh once more when all of a sudden!
D: What? What happened?
J: Area Manager Kim shouted: ‘Oh H! Come here please!’
D: And then?
J: H decided to try His bluff once again as He called out to Area Manager Kim: ‘I’ll go hit my head against that bright yellow girder again!’ Whereas, walking H, by the hand no less, over to the exact same bright yellow girder as before, she invited H to begin: ‘Please feel free!’
D: What did H do brother Jonathan! What did He do?
J: H succinctly stated: ‘I’ll do it Area Manager Kim! I’m not bluffing!’ Whereas she retorted: ‘Get to it then as I’ve work to do!’ And as to demonstrate His utter commitment to the moment, M did this: ‘Here I go!’ And that’s just what He did as He started beating, for real this time, His head into that bright yellow girder. ‘Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!’
IH: And what did that little bitch Area Manager Kim do?
D: Money in the bad word jar!
IH: Whatever!
W: More tea hons?
J&D&WW&IH: Yes please!
J: Area Manager Kim excitedly said to H: ‘Get it all out H!’ And correct more of that diabolical laughter: ‘Just get it all out!’
IH: I’ve got to hear this again! What happened next?
J: A voice cried out: ‘Area Manager Kim?’ an Operations Manager passing by couldn’t believe what she was seeing as Area Manager Kim just kept repeating: ‘Get it all out of your system buddy, cause your ass’s outta here today!’ She was perhaps just a little too delighted as to the nature of this particular termination: ‘Get it all out!’ as H finally passed out on the floor in a pool of his own bright red blood; quite the contrast to the bright yellow girder, sort to speak.
D: Too TheJefferys! What happened next?
J: Area Manager Kim just kept repeating: ‘Get it all out!’ She just wouldn’t stop: ‘Get it all out!’
D: What did the passing by Operations Manager do?
IH: Listen to this!
J: She screamed: ‘911!’ as the passing Operation Manager furiously went into action as her management training kicked in! ‘God dammit assholes!’ screaming at all the pick Confederates who’d stopped by, creating Time Off Task or TOT, for the show of a lifetime: ‘Call 911!’
D: Oh my Jefferys! What a sight!
J: Anyway, Area Manager Kim just kept repeating: ‘Get it all out!’ in near orgasmic delight as Area Manager Kim was led prisoner-like away by security back to the Flow Tower or FT from which she should have never left in the first place for the floor: ‘Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!’ as Area Manager Kim slapped the side of her head! And there you have it!
IH: And we finish with, as the French say: ‘Fini!’
J: Area Manager Kim was led away to a very different place: ‘And how does that make you feel?’ asked the Company Shrink or CS so ordained by TheMightyCom to prepare Ms. Kim to be its convenient sacrificial scapegoat come negotiations with H’s long lost family and their presence good fortune: ‘Never liked him much!’ so stated outside the courtroom doors by H’s older brother: ‘Shut-up and play your part stupid!’ And so mom always had to have the final word.
D: And what was the final word brother Jonathan?
J: As spoken by Area Manager Kim herself: ‘Doctor! You just don’t know what it’s like being in online retail!’ turning her head to and fro: ‘Get it all out!’ as former Area Manager Kim was led to her awaiting White-Room or WR! ‘Get it all out!’ she kept mumbling to herself for eternity! ‘Just get it all out!’
IH: I just have to stand and applaud! Indeed, just get it all out!
J: And there you have it cherished listeners! The tale of how Com.com Terminated God or TC!
D: See you next time!
IH: Okay then guys! How about showing me where the freaking door is! And hey, is the check good?
J&D: Absolutely!
IH: You wanna stop laughing there Warren?
* * *
To our cherished audience out there hopefully still listening to our ‘A Live Silent Radio Hour’ which’s live yet pre-recorded; I’m still disappointingly so, the show’s producer Warren Williams and I wish to thank all of you for tuning in once more while once again leaving any semblance of rational thought at the door as for the sake of TheJefferys: How in the hell can you listen to silent radio? I’m still here live yet pre-recorded and I simply don’t understand any of this! ( Inspirational Pause!) Please come back tomorrow for more news concerning Pack Area Manager Howell’s way outta this Voyage of the Damned or VD!