Don't Say the "M" Word!
Whoever enters here honors me; whoever doesn’t- pleases me.
-Friedrich Nietzsche
Live Yet Pre-recorded- Episode XII of:
Don’t Say the “M” Word!
A Silent Radio Hour: Live Yet Pre-Recorded
J: We’re back!
D: You’re still a shithead!
J: Why?
D: You talk that way but don’t give any real answers! Why?
J: Because it’s a koan!
D: What’s a koan brother Jonathan?
J: I’d love to tell you brother Drew, but before I do, we have an important message from the Com.com Hit Squad or CCHS!
D: They’re not back are they?
J: No! We’ve locked the doors from here on out!
D: Glad to hear it!
J: Seems they’ve lost the trail of the notorious SASMO, the Stupid Ass Scratching Mark Oglesby!
D: Sinister Music Playing In the Background or SMPIB!
J: Silent radio dear brother!
D: Just trying to be dramatic, brother!
J: Very well than!
D: You see, it’s totally sinister what they did to us on their last visit!
J: And wasn’t that visit just ever so pleasant!
D: Indeed! I can still smell the burnt fabric from your plaid flannel shirt! And that’s not to mention poor Guinevere!
J: Those bastards!
D: Money in the bad word jar!
J: We’re saving a fortune here with our language!
D: Which is good because we’re Jonathan and Drew who are not the Property Brothers!
J: That’s correct cherished listeners! We’re not the Property Brothers so we have to get our money the old fashioned way!
D: By tricking someone or something into freely giving away their hard-earned cash to all those various Con-Jobs or CBs out there hoping to score!
J: Which bring us to the mighty online retail giant Com.com!
D: And their villainous Com.com Hit Squad or CCHS who’s attempting to get a hold of the infamous whistle-blower the Stupid Ass Scratching Mark Oglesby or SASMO!
J: Who’s also banned his book, Zen & the Art of Mastur…
D: Don’t Say the “M” Word!
J: Wouldn’t think of it! Experience the End of the Aeon at The Spank the Monkey Café: A Farce or Love Story- I’m Not Certain Which. ISBN: 978-1-4809-4141-0!
D: The book’s been banned?
J: Hell yes! Word is, Bruce Jefferys…
D: May all bless TheJefferys!
J: Not today dear brother! Not today!
D: Why?
J: Because he’s banned SASMO’s book from his Com.com website! And here I thought that Commerce was King or CK?
D: Sad State of Affairs or SSA! Oh my Jefferys!
J: Don’t Say the “J” Word!
D: What?
J: Just Joking or JJ! Anyway! Seems that Jefferys finally read the book, which by the way, SASMO kept sending him emails incessantly with the title and ISBN number, which by the way’s 978-1-4809-4141-0, whereas Jefferys finally gave in and barrowed his personal assistant, Steward’s, copy! So cheap! Sorry! Frugal or the “F” word!
D: You mean “F” that?
J: Absolutely! “F” that!
J: Very well than! Now as to the whereabouts of SASMO, to a degree, we’re not speaking!
D: To a degree?
J; Yes, a degree!
D: So what’s the degree brother Jonathan?
J: To the degree that they, that is, the villainous Com.com Hit Squad or CCHS, don’t come back and once again set fire to my plaid flannel shirt and/or molest poor Guinevere!
D: She didn’t deserve that brother! Just didn’t deserve that!
J: No she didn’t! Now please, let’s get back to the koan!
D: Sounds good! Let’s move on!
J: Among other things, a koan in Zen’s the task of re-learning how to live your daily life with a quirky, sometimes poetic spontaneity.
D: I’m quirky and spontaneous brother Jonathan!
J: Never in a good way brother Drew! Never in a good way!
D: Doesn’t seem to be the best definition of Zen or the koan, but please, continue!
J: The trouble’s in the teaching of Zen! You’re told to “be spontaneous!” You’re than immediately incapable of being spontaneous! It's like being ordered to be genuine, or to fall in love, or say something poetic; to get an erection!
D: I like erections!
J: We all do brother Drew! We all do! But the moment you begin thinking about one, you're already over thinking it, and, well, you’re a Limpy Dick or LD!
D: Darn Limpy Dick or LD!
J: And so it goes!
D: Anyway, how does anyone learn Zen?
J: By throwing a monkey wrench into the thinking process. Sound familiar?
D: The koan’s a wrench, a monkey wrench? I don’t get it?
J: It’s designed to get you to really over think something. Like, way, way, way, WAY over think it! A koan’s a short, puzzling, oddly unanswerable question. A Zen master will usually pose them out of the blue, while cooking, say, or on the stairs. Suddenly he turns to you and he is saying, “What is the Buddha nature?”
D: And what is the Buddha nature?
J: It’s like this: Students will try their damnedest to answer! They’ll say “Godliness?” or “Nothingness?” or “Da Buddha’s Da Man or DBDM!” But suddenly, the Zen master scowls and hits the student with a stick!
D: Why would Da Buddha or DB hit someone with a stick?
J: Not Da Buddha or DB idiot! The teacher tries to convey how painfully stupid and obvious your answers really are.
D: I’m smart!
J: No you’re not! Anyway, you’re forced to think harder and harder! Your brain’s in overdrive.
D: Smoking!
J: You pace! Maybe you start to sweat.
D: And stink!
J: Yes and skink! But somehow you know the question’s your only task. You think harder and harder and harder and harder and harder.
D: Brain overload!
J: Just the point! Finally your Teeny-Weeny, Tiny Little Brain or TTLB completely locks up and you can’t think of anything anymore!
D: Not even of getting an erection?
J: Not even of getting a Teeny-Weeny, Tiny Little Erection or TWTLE! Everything around you seems completely alien and you are now on mental lock-down! Your brain’s frozen up!
D: Unfreeze my brain brother Drew! Unfreeze my brain!
J: I can’t!
D: But why? Why brother Drew?
J: Because only you can!
D: How?
J: By the Quiet Equilibrium or QE, a meditative period to be silent, calm down; be still and know that you are! What? Simply a human person seeking to know what is real and what isn’t! Flat Time or FT’s that silence you’ve achieved through your brain freeze caused by the koan which had heated your brain to its boiling max!
D: Explain please?
J: The acceleration in modern life’s allowed the great Heat-Up or HU which caused Brain Freeze or BF to come into being; that dualistic measure which calls attention to both parts of our whole self!
D: What?
J: The inner and the outer! The Yin and Yang or YY! The Dark-Bright or DB! The Negative-Positive or NP which describes how seemingly opposite and contrary forces may be complementary, interconnected, and interdependent in the natural world! How these forces may give rise to each other as they interrelate with one another. These dualities such as light and dark, fire and water, expanding and contracting are thought of as physical manifestations of the duality symbolized by Yin and Yang or YY!
D: I’m hopelessly lost!
J: Wouldn’t be the first time brother Drew! Wouldn’t be the first time!
D: I’m still hopelessly lost!
J: Wouldn’t have it any other way! And oh by the way! Please come back next time when we actually dissect that Teeny-Weeny, Tiny Little …
D: You wouldn’t dare!
J: Oh wouldn’t I! Bye cherished listeners!
D: Bye-bye!
* * *
To our cherished audience out there hopefully still listening to our ‘A Live Silent Radio Hour’ which’s live yet pre-recorded; I’m still disappointingly so, the show’s producer Warren Williams and I wish to thank all of you for tuning in once more while once again leaving any semblance of rational thought at the door as for the sake of TheJefferys: How in the hell can you listen to silent radio? I’m still here live yet pre-recorded and I simply don’t understand any of this! ( Inspirational Pause!) Please come back tomorrow for more news concerning Drew’s Teeny-Weeny, Tiny Little Erection or TWTLE here at The Spank the Monkey Café! For all of this: I do apologize: Sincerely!