Don't Say the "M" Word!

Whoever enters here honors me; whoever doesn’t- pleases me.

-Friedrich Nietzsche

          

      Live Yet Pre-recorded- Episode X of:

Don’t Say the “M” Word!

     A Silent Radio Hour: Live Yet Pre-Recorded

J: We’re back and am I ever excited!

         D: Why’s that Jonathan?

         J: Today’s story day! Yahoooooooooooooooooooooooo!

         D: Calm down! We’ll get there in a moment or two!

         J: But you said today’s story day on yesterday’s show! Backing out are we?

         D: Certainly not! It’s just that we have some business to take care of before we start our story: The Ogre on the Mountain!

         J: Yahooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

         D: Okay than, on to business! Seems our wonderful (Sarcastic Pause!) producer, Warren Williams, informed us that it’s time for Letters From Our Cherished Listeners or LFOCL!

         J: So why haven’t we done this before Jonathan?

         D: Let me start reading some of those letters in order to answer your question.

         J: Go for it!

         D: First letter: ‘You perverts! How dare you mention me on your Stupid Ass Scratching Show or SASS!’ The letter writer goes on to say some about, but I can’t use the words he wrote, but it’s about intercoursing someone’s mother! Or something to that effect! ‘Furthermore, I’ve contacted my attorney and waiting to hear back from her! And listen to me! Her name’s Kelly Kingston who by the way’s a Corporate Attorney for Com.com and she’ll…’ He goes on about our worthless butts!

         J: Kind of rude don’t you think, Jonathan?

         D: Well he does finish up with: ‘Love the show! Great work! Just keep my f%&#$*g name out of it! Sincerely, Walter Marshall! And by the way: Tell that SASMO Mark Oglesby I’m looking for him and it won’t be friendly if I find his…’ And something more about worthless butts!

         J: Next letter please!

         D: Hey, this one’s from the world famous actor Robert De Niro!

         J: Really exciting stuff brother Drew! Robert De Niro!

         D: Afraid not brother Jonathan!

         J: Why?

         D: Let me read just a little from his letter: ‘Listen to me you two idiots! Stop writing me! I would never accept an invitation to appear on…’ And he questions our sanity multiple times! Continuing: ‘Silent radio? Whatever got into those teeny tiny little minds of yours? Now let me make this perfectly clear to your two morons! No more letters, period! And if I get one more letter from you two Stupid Ass Scratching Dim-Wits or SASDW, I’m telling you know right now! And listen to me clearly! And I’m not messing around here! I’m coming down there and I’m gonna kick…’ And some more along the lines of our once again, worthless butts!

         J: What are we gonna do?

         D: Oh Warren!

         W: What the hell’s it this time Drew!

         D: Wanna get that next invitation off to Mr. De Niro: ASAP?

         W: Get right on it Drew!

         W: Some tea hons?

         J&D&W: Yes please!

         J: How about one last letter Drew?

         D: Got a good one right here! This one’s from?

         J: Who brother Drew? From who?

         D: It’s from our dear friend SASMO, the Stupid Ass Scratching Mark Oglesby!

         J: Great! Read on!

         D: Oh boy! This isn’t good!

         J: What?

         D: Let me begin: ‘Hey Ass-Holes or HAH! Thanks for sending me through that damn door! Wanna know where I’ve been and what I’ve gone through? That’s rhetorical! Once again: Hey Ass-Holes or HAH!’

         J: A little harsh don’t you think?

         D: Oh it gets worse, much worse!

         J: We can take it brother Drew! Read on!

         D: Okay! Here goes: ‘Right now I’m writing from someplace called Nowhere! I mean to say, the place doesn’t exist! There’s nothing here but me, a freaking desk, some freaking paper I’m writing on; and the pencil, I hate freaking pencils, I’m writing with! Otherwise: Nothing!’

         J: Don’t like the sound of that!

         D: It gets more intense! Believe me!

         J: Oh I do brother Drew! I do believe!

         D: Continuing: ‘Once more for posterity: Hey Ass-Holes or HAH! I’ve experiences a minimum of over two thousand lifetimes and counting! But for you once again: Hey Ass-Holes or HAH! I’ll just mention a few!’

         J: May TheJefferys shield us from such wrathful mussing!

         D: I don’t think TheJefferys will!

         J: Whatever!

         D: Here’s SASMO’s first lifetime: ‘Came back as a woman! Was sold by my papa for a goat! A sickly, scrawny one at that! My husband, Abut or something like that, drank all the time! And while he didn’t beat me, I was in fact much bigger than him and would have beaten his butt to a pulp; still, he never worked because of his drinking and I had to do everything! Tend to the kids! Feed the livestock! Plow the fields! Hell, I even had to sell myself at auction as a servant, which I did on my weekends by the way, in order to make money to buy Abut or whatever he’s name was, more liquor! And once again, Hey Ass-Holes or HAH! I died at thirty-nine cursing TheJefferys for his Stupid Ass Scratching online retail creation: Com.com! Bullshit!’

         J: Kind of whinny if you ask me!

         D: I didn’t! On to his second lifetime: ‘Once more: Hey Ass-Holes or HAH! I was reborn in the year 1013 on a Friday, February 19th to be exact, midway through the new day, under the sign of the water ox; entering this reincarnation born to peasant farmers who were laboring in the rice fields in feudal Japan. Indeed, I was delivered by my mother in between my father and the water ox.

         ‘My life was one long day as sunrise to sunset knew nothing but hard labor and its unrelenting demands. Even in my dreams, I constantly hammered the earth with hoe who also endured the forced labor of humankind’s agricultural demands: “Feed us or else!” the earth shouted as I heard the wails of Mother-Earth as she continually howled in agony.

         ‘And it was upon these terrifying revelations given to me that I departed from my parents care into that of Zen Master Nobu or to Prolong and Delay or PD, on Mount Yake or the Burning Mountain or BM when I was merely ten years old. For prolong and delay was indeed the disorder of the day!

         ‘Zen Master Nobu was “the” Procrastinator Deluxe or PD who knew of no reason whatsoever that that which might be done today might not be accomplished tomorrow or the next day or the next or the next and so on and so forth into time eternal. I must have waited nearly two years while Master Nobu attempted to make it to the door of his hut. And correct, there wasn’t a door there as Master Nobu had meant to get around to hanging one sooner or later.

         ‘Anyway, my training was an adventure in hit and miss as Zen Master Nobu worked out a “plan” for me, a “masterpiece” in the making which took merely ten years and as little effort as possible: “You must do nothing!” Master Nobu directly to me.

         “That’s the plan?” I questioned. “Do nothing?” I was confused. What does “nothing” mean?”

“Give me a little time and I’ll explain.” And it was just a short five years of sitting and waiting that I got his answer.

         “What was the question again?” the aging Master was at a loss.

         “Nothing I screamed inside while my outer demeanor remained calm and courteous.

         “Oh that!” the old man finally remembering my question. “I’ll get back to you in a moment or two.” And on and on it went until finally the old man raised his hand with a jester implying that I was to come close so that Zen Master Nobu might impart his final wisdom into my ear: “What was that question again?” And so the Master died leaving me to figure out the meaning of “Nothing!”

         J: Boy! That SASMO sure can talk and talk and talk!

         D: Better believe it!

         J: Continuing brother Drew?

         D: It just gets worse and more bitter! Kind of sad and sadistic! Let’s move on to our story of The Ogre on the Mountain!

         J: Yahooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

D: Okay then, here’s mother! Now what’s all this fussing about? It’s  the same thing every night acted out here in downtown Seattle, Washington, United States of still attempting to stand upright: America!

         J: I want a story! Tell me a story! Sit here! It’s the best spot for the telling of the story at the end of the day.

         D: Do you need to pee before we begin? Remember last night young gentleman! God, sometimes mother has be so stern when needed!

         J: I’m fine! It’s so warm and toasty; comfortable, here at The Spank the Monkey Café! Tell me a story! I love your stories mommy!

         D: Once upon a time there was this beautiful valley where the people lived as they worked away their tiny little lives in hard, oppressive labor. And this was because of the existence of a big mountain which over-looked the beautiful valley.

         J: Why? What or who oppressed them?

         D: Listen! Up on the mountain top, there lived a great big ogre who owned all the money in the world. A great big, ugly ogre I might add!

         J: Please do!

         D: The ogre even had more money than God!

         J: Really?

         D: Indeed! Once, if you can imagine it?

         J: Oh I can! Yes I can!

         D: This money bags ogre asked God out to lunch one day but stiffed both God and the waiter as he wouldn’t leave so much as a tiny little tip for that gracious person who served both him and God.

         J: What poor form!

         D: I know!

         J: What was the ogre’s name?

         D: Jefferys the Ogre! Who many called: The Bruce! A really mean bastard if there ever was one!

         J: You said a bad word! Money in the bad word jar!

         D: Later! Please, we’re just getting warmed up!

         J: Okay.

         D: Well, Jefferys the Ogre one day heard a rumbling in the valley as all the workers stopped what they were doing, which by the way later became Time Off Task or TOT as its known in the Valley!

         J: I hate TOT with a passion! It interferes with people socializing with one another in the workplace. Or here in the valley in your story.

         D: We all do dear but what can be done as rules are rules! Mother has to be stern at times!

         J: That may well be but be that as it may, people are going to socialize whatever you do and besides, we’re hardwired by our cultural evolutionary process to communicate with one another in our social surroundings, the workplace being a major source of this socialization.

         D: I know my little dear, and please let mother once again reassure you that it’s all we have and what else can we do?

         J: Get rid of that oppressive system!

         D: We can’t! How else are we going to get people to work! Remember, Mother once again has to be stern for the benefit of the children!

         J: Oh, alright!

D: Now listen! As I was saying, there was a rumbling in the valley as all the workers had enough of this being disrespected, mistreated, threatened, bullied, intimidated, terrorized, tormented, browbeaten, over-worked and under-paid. They shouted with fists held high in the air: “You ugly bastard!”

         J: Money in the bad word jar!

         D: Get down here and negotiate with us or else! “Or else what?” the mean ogre laughed at the valley workers. “Or else we’ll stop working and your valley will die!”

         “And what is it that you want?” the Ogre asked! “We want more money so we can buy milk for our children’s cereal!” the workers shouted back! “You’re able to buy them cereal?” oh how Jefferys the Ogre shouted in dismay. “You people are sick, lame and lazy!” he was emphatic. “Back to work or get out of my valley!” shouting with all his gorily might. “Run away!” the workers were frightened as they ran back to their work so they wouldn’t be written up for Time Off Task or TOT as it’s known down here in the valley. “And cut their pay immediately!” Jefferys the Ogre shouted to the valley General Manager. Stopping to take a piss on his way back up the mountain, Jefferys the Ogre exclaimed: “Cereal for their children? God those ungrateful bastards!

         J: Money in the bad word jar!

         D: And Jefferys the Ogre proclaimed this: “Those Stupid Ass Scratching Workers or SASW just don’t know how good they’ve got it!”

         J: And did Jefferys the Ogre live happily ever after mommy?

         D: Oh my yes my little dear! Remember, he owned all the money in the world, even more money than God and was he ever happy about it as he peed off the mountain on down into the valley every morning after waking up where all the workers worked as they received the golden rain of Jefferys the Ogre over and over again as he shouted: “Here’s a little something for their cereal bowls!” The end! Goodnight my little dear!

         J: Good night mommy! I’m going to  Dreamworld where I can marvel over Jefferys the Ogre and what it must be like to own all the money in the world, even more money than God!

                                                   The End!

                                                *        *         *

                

To our cherished audience out there hopefully still listening to our ‘A Live Silent Radio Hour’ which’s live yet pre-recorded; I’m still disappointingly so, the show’s producer Warren Williams and I wish to thank all of you for tuning in once more while once again leaving any semblance of rational thought at the door as for the sake of TheJefferys: How in the hell can you listen to silent radio? I’m still here live yet pre-recorded and I simply don’t understand any of this! ( Inspirational Pause!) Now wasn’t that truly inspirational! ( Sarcastic Pause!) See you next time! Good luck and good hunting!