Don't Say These 5 Things When Negotiating
A good professor of mine once said:
"Before you say a word, you own it. After you say it, the word owns you."
This is particularly true in negotiation. Negotiations can be high-paced, heated affairs at the table where your mind should preferably act faster than your tongue... lest you end up saying things that you shouldn't have.
Here are five things you don't want to say.
1. "To be honest with you..."
Wait, what?! So you're telling me that you were being dishonest this whole time?
By prefacing a particular statement with a disclaimer on your honesty, you may be sending the wrong message. It's understandable that you do this to stress the importance of what you're about to say, but notice how you're compromising your own integrity by doing so.
2. "... but"
This word is a bomb that annihilates everything that comes before it. For example, you tell the other party how much you respect their perspective, appreciate your relationship, want to do business with them... BUT... the moment you say "but," you turn everything you've just said into hot air and blew it out the window.
Instead, try skipping the "but." Break the sentence down into two shorter sentences. "We really appreciate our relationship. We also want to make sure that our concerns are met."
3. Really, Very, Extremely, Absolutely...
"This is really important for us." "That's a very good idea." "This issue is extremely urgent." "This is absolutely in your interests."
If you feel the need to punctuate every other adjective with one of these words, then your counterparty is bound to question genuinely how really very important everything you say is. Overdoing it will deafen your counterparty. Instead, use such words sparingly so that their emphasis remains strong.
4. Unintentional Insensitivities
In today's world of heightened attention toward sexism, racism, religion, sexuality, cultural diversity, you name it, many of the things we say or do with completely good intentions are bound to offend someone. (Yikes, maybe this last sentence does as well...)
You make a compliment, you give a gift, you ask about their family, you ask them out to lunch... you're treading on a fine line. You can stay clear of such comments (which is probably why the British ask only about the weather), yet in that case you're forgoing a golden opportunity to build a relationship.
Instead, simply by mindful of this and make sure you know who your counterparty is before you meet them.
5. "You're wrong."
Telling someone you don't agree with them is one story. Calling them out as wrong is completely another one. Negotiation is communicating back and forth to reach agreement. Once you start passing out "who's right" and "who's wrong" cards, you're turning it into a debate and turning yourself away from agreement.
If you feel the urge to call them out, stop. Chances are you're just failing to see their perspective, so name it as it is: "I don't see your point of view", "I don't agree with you", or "Help me understand you better" are more constructive alternatives to shouting out "You're wrong."
Words matter, especially in a negotiation. It's tough to stay on the ball during at-the-table, heated negotiations, but a slip of tongue can cost you the deal and maybe even the relationship.
Own the negotiation, and don't let your words own you.
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Stepan Khzrtian is co-founder and Managing Partner of LegalLab Law Boutique (www.legallab.co) and co-founder of the Center for Excellence in Negotiation: Yerevan (www.cen.am). For nearly 10 years, he has been engaged in training and consulting on negotiation, working with clients to successfully close deals with Fortune 500 companies and empowering officials and officers to best serve constituencies.
He writes on law, dealmaking, and strategy.