Don't Procrastinate

You know the expression ... “you can lead a horse to water ….” For all of the years I have been in senior care administration as a lecturer, trainer and consultant, “my advice is often a confession.” I’ll also share that it frustrates me when I take the time to give folks “my best stuff” and they ignore me. Not that it offends me, but because it means they aren’t doing wants best for their loved one(s). Allow me to share a few examples.

Mom was a resident in my Assisted Living Community and had turned an unfortunate corner. She could no longer navigate from her room to the dining room and back. She couldn’t figure out how to pull a chair out to seat herself and the housekeepers learned the hard way that she was having trouble getting to her bathroom. We called the responsible party in for a meeting and made it clear that mom was no longer appropriate to be living in an assisted living environment. Her response was to accuse me of trying to fill an empty bed in our memory care community. A response that, yes, offended me. She ended up taking mom out of our community, which is her right, and placing her somewhere else. I believe she ended up in a memory care community in New Jersey near another sibling so her local friends wouldn’t know that mom had dementia.

There are a number of things that prompt a family to reach out to place a loved one in assisted living or memory care. One of them is that they are falling and stairs are no longer their friend. They’ve gone to the trouble to come to us, we realize that we’re the answer and they realize it too, but they fail to “pull the trigger.” We’re never happy when we realize that he/she will have to fall two or three more times before they finally realize enough is enough. Tragically, in two instances, those falls proved to be fatal.

Then there’s the man whose mother was in mid-stage dementia. Getting lost and confused driving, not managing her incontinence and trying to buy things she shouldn’t be buying like a new car. In spite of countless recommendations to get medical help by way of a formal psych evaluation to get her on a proper medication regimen, he just let things get from bad to worse. The result? An emergency admission to a psych hospital.

When I lecture, I’m often asked, “How will we know when it’s time?” Chances are if you are wondering if it’s time … it is. You never want to wait for a crisis to be what motivates you to finally transition your loved one. Let them make that adjustment under a relatively full head of steam.

Having a fall at home, ending up in a nursing home, going to rehab and then into assisted living is not the best course to take, although many do it this way. Trying to do it at home, without the appropriate support, is also a dreadful mistake.

Just recently a client confessed that they found a former activities person to stay with demented dad. A bad idea, I said, because they had had no training in dementia care or understanding of the illness. They were gone after the first day.

There are many honorable men and women that have done yeoman’s work caring for their afflicted loved one at home but in spite of their best efforts, they realized they were in over their head. They then made the transition willingly, and both their quality of life and the quality of life of their loved one improved enormously.

From the right doctor, the geriatric psychiatrist, your lawyer, your financial consultant, and those in the senior care industry, remember these are professionals. Listen to them. They are there to help.

Questions? Email me at [email protected]. Join the Journey.