Don’t Mistake a Lack of Confidence for a Lack of Competence - A Message For Introverted Women

I sometimes think that some of us mistake confidence for competence because I see so many women who have the skills and ability but aren’t fully utilising them. They convince themselves that they lack confidence because they are not competent. But really, they are competent, they just need deliberate practice to build their confidence.

There is a difference between competence and confidence, and I am sure you know of people who ooze confidence but lack the competence. And, because of their confidence, they are able to blag it.

When you write yourself off because you lack confidence, you are doing an injustice to yourself and to the world. You are denying yourself of becoming all you are capable of being, and denying the world of the unique talent that you have to contribute to your field of work.

Separate competence from confidence

Identifying whether it is confidence or competence that you lack makes it easier to do something about it. What is it that you want to achieve but hold yourself back from because you think that you lack confidence?

Putting aside any self-limiting beliefs you have, or whether or not you feel confident about it, do you have the skills and ability to do what it is that you want to do?

Identify where you are at in the four stages of competence as illustrated in this image:

• Unconscious incompetence – you are unaware that there is a skills or knowledge gap.
• Conscious incompetence – you are aware that there is a skills or knowledge gap.
• Conscious competence – you have the skill and knowledge and know how to use it, but it requires a lot of thought and practice to do so.
• Unconscious competence – you have the skills and knowledge and can do it unconsciously, and easily without having to give it much thought.

What stage are you at with what you want to achieve? If it’s conscious incompetence, how can you gain the necessary training? Who can help you with it?

If it’s conscious competence, how can you get the necessary practice to get you to the stage of unconscious competence? Who can you shadow? Where can you volunteer to build up the experience?

Over the years I have done various stints of volunteering which has helped me hone my skills and has equipped me with experience that I have utilised in my work. Remember, everyone has to start somewhere.

Identify exactly what you lack confidence in

What exactly is it that you lack confidence in? Breaking things down and pinpointing exactly what it is makes it easier to address, and for you to feel confident about it. If it’s because it takes you out of your comfort zone, challenge yourself and stretch yourself out of it.

However, don’t stretch yourself too far out of your comfort zone because it may be too stressful for you. Stretch yourself so it feels slightly uncomfortable, reflect on what you have done, celebrate yourself for doing so, then step out a little bit further.

I remember the first time I did a keynote talk without any presentation slides, prompt cards, or notes. I had decided I wanted to be able to do talks without using anything. That was a big step out of my comfort zone. But I did it and it went well, so I did it again and again and again

That first time I did it, it went even better than if I’d had my notes with me. If I’d had them with me, I would have looked at them which could have been a distraction, taking me out of my flow. Each time I did it without using anything, it gave me the confidence to do it again.

Even when I did my TEDx talk Introverts Make Great Leaders Too , there was a point when my mind went blank, and I almost lost my flow. I felt the panic start to rise as my thoughts tried to race ahead, and make me think that it was going to be a disaster. But I quickly shut those thoughts down, brought my mind back to the present and continued, and no one in the audience batted an eyelid.

Reduce the overwhelm

Overwhelm can cause us to lack confidence about what we need to do. Rather than getting anxious about the enormity of what you need to do, break things down and get a clear understanding of what needs to be done.

I often have clients who want to get promoted to an executive role but think they lack confidence because they’re not strategic enough. This takes us back to the four stages of competence model. It’s not that they can’t be strategic, it’s that they are used to being heavily involved in the delivery rather than setting the direction.

It is taking them out of the familiarity of something that they are unconsciously competent in, to either conscious competence, or conscious incompetence (depending on where they are at). Breaking it down and identifying exactly what it is they need to develop, they feel so much more confident about it. This stops them from writing themselves off, and from not going for the roles because of a lack of confidence.

Comparison paralysis

I also often have clients who compare themselves to their colleagues and put themselves down in the process. This happens frequently where they are in the minority. This could be someone who is introverted in an extroverted environment. It could be a woman in a male dominated environment. Someone who is black or from another non white group in a white dominated environment. Someone from a disadvantaged socio-economic background in an environment full of people from a privileged socio-economic background. The list goes on. And if they tick more than one box, this can be even more of a challenge for them.

In situations where you are in the minority to the dominant group, stand confident and strong in who you are and value the difference that you bring to the table. You may have taken a different route to get there, but you are there nevertheless, and you deserve it. Your route may have been less scenic, with many more challenges and obstacles, but this makes your presence and contribution even more valuable in my opinion.

Always remember, you are a unique individual with your own set of skills, experience, strengths, and talents, so put the focus on what you have to offer, not on your difference.

Address self-doubt, imposter syndrome, and other self-limiting beliefs

If self-limiting beliefs are at the root of it for you, address them so that you have a more helpful view of yourself. Rationalise things and put things into perspective. Putting into practice what I’ve mentioned above should help. But if you need further help with this, get the support of a Coach.

Whether you lack confidence or you lack competence, identifying exactly which it is makes it easier to address. Both a lack of confidence and a lack of competence can be conquered, so don’t let either hold you back.

How might you be mistaking a lack of confidence for a lack of competence? Let me know in the comments below.

Please note there will be no Quietly Visible newsletter next week. Also, my last Number One Strategy Introverted Women Use to Accelerate their Influence and Impact as Senior Leaders free webinar for 2021 takes place on 23 November. Find out more and register?here .

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It can be easy to assume that because someone is constantly in the public eye that they can't lack confidence, or be introverted. Well if you think this, then you are wrong. On the Quietly Visible podcast I spoke to Ann Marie Mobley, an actress and model who not only lacked confidence, but is introverted as well. She shares how, as an introvert, with a strong belief in the power of positive thinking, she has developed her confidence so she is at ease with herself, whether delivering a presentation or appearing on stage.?Ann Marie encourages women to see their introversion as a gift.?Listen to our conversation at the podcast link above.

If you are an introverted woman and a leader and want to share how you've overcome the challenges and obstacles in your career and life, to help encourage other introverted women (as well as raise your visibility and profile), I would love to have you as a guest on the podcast. Or if you are not introverted, or not a woman and have something to share that will empower, educate, or inform introverted women leaders, or advise employers on how to be more inclusive towards introversion, I would love to have you on the podcast too.?Fill out the application?here ?and someone will get back to you.

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About Me

I am an Executive, Career and Leadership Coach specialising in introverted women who are senior leaders. I've been the featured expert in Women and Home Magazine, Good Housekeeping Magazine, the Telegraph, on BBC Radio 5 Live, named a LinkedIn Top Voice UK 4 years running, and received awards for my work developing women leaders.

Through my work I have helped 1000s of women across the globe to increase their confidence, influence and impact as leaders, and overcome imposter syndrome, increase their executive presence, improve speaking performance in meetings, get a promotion, and much more.

My vision is that ALL women achieve their full potential and become influencers of positive change in their respective fields.

If you are an introverted woman and a senior leader and want to increase your confidence, influence and impact, take my free assessment and get a report identifying areas to develop. You can take the assessment?here .?

My book Quietly Visible: Leading with Influence and Impact as an Introverted Woman addresses many of the challenges that introverted women face as leaders and shows you how to overcome them. It was listed as one of the 10 best self-development books written by women to read during lockdown by BeYourOwn. You can get your copy?here ?along with a FREE recording of my How to Overcome Imposter Syndrome workshop.