DON’T MEASURE YOURSELF AGAINST OTHERS

(JUST DON’T DO IT. END OF STORY.)

When I was 12 years old, I had a chronic fear of failure. I wanted to be the smartest girl at school and I would compare my test results with everyone. It got to a point where it caused me terrible anxiety for a number of years. Through the support and encouragement of some teachers at school, I finally got through that phase—and I finally realised I didn’t have to be the best. I just had to give everything my all. It was a great life lesson, which served me well in the years to come. Today I speak , coach , inspire and write about this space as my mission is to build a world of great, courageous and kind humans, leaders and teams.

We must stop comparing and start embracing our own and lifting other's greatness!

Adam Galinsky and Maurice Schweitzer, social psychologists and co-authors of Friend and Foe: When to Cooperate, When to Compete, and How to Succeed at Both , argue that social comparison is an innate human tendency.

In their book, they reference a study by Emory University scientist Frans de Waal, which showed that even monkeys compare what they have with other monkeys. De Waal trained capuchin monkeys to use stones as a form of currency, exchanging one stone for a cucumber slice. The monkeys were perfectly happy with this arrangement until de Waal started giving some (but not all) of the monkeys a sweet, juicy grape instead of the cucumber.

“Upon seeing this inequity, the monkey who was offered the regular cucumber went, well, apeshit,” Galinsky and Schweitzer wrote. The monkeys who felt they lost out in this comparison became visibly upset, refusing to give a stone in exchange for the cucumber – and sometimes even throwing the slice back at the experimenter. “What this experiment demonstrates,” the authors wrote, “is that our evolutionary ancestors did not evaluate their outcomes in isolation; rather, they evaluated outcomes in a comparative process.”

People often would advise me to focus on what my competitors were doing and I would at times then I thought....“Why would I do that?” I thought. “Why waste time, energy and brain space on what others are doing?”

I don’t believe in competitors anyway, so I’ve never spent much time worrying about what other leadership companies are doing. I focus on me, on my team, our talents, our purpose and focus on what makes me and my companies unique.

Comparison only leads to discontent. Don’t compare, and let others do their thing.

Focus on what you want and who you are, and do the things you want to do. Comparison can hold you back—and that’s the last thing that should happen.

Focus on you, grab ahold of what you want, and rock it!

Here are some of my favourite tips below -

“Personality begins where comparison leaves off. Be unique. Be memorable. Be confident. Be proud.” ~Shannon L. Alder

You know it already.

You know you shouldn’t compare yourself to?others. Yet, that’s often easier said than done.

Job title, income, car, grades and likes on social media—the number of areas in which we can compare ourselves to?others?are endless. So is the number of people we can compare ourselves to and why do we do it?

Comparison is generally the fast track for misery. All it does is keeping you focused on what you don’t like about yourself and your life - remember attention goes, energy flows.

Remember what I said above - when I started and launched my speaking career and even LeadershipHQ and our Outstanding Leadership Awards, I would sometimes (early on and stopped!) look at what other people were doing. It was healthy for a time to get some insights and ideas and then I discovered it would stop me from being excited about my own path and growth.

The more I focused on their path, and not my own, the more I lost control. Eventually, I reached a point where I questioned my decision, and that’s when I knew I had to change my focus and energy. It made a huge difference.

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Here are amazing ways to stop comparing yourself to others:

1. Nurture your own garden.

When we focus on other people, we lose time that we could otherwise invest in ourselves. We don’t grow green grass by focusing on our neighbou’s garden, we do it nurturing our own. So, instead of wasting time comparing your path to someone else’s, spend it investing, creating, growing and caring for your own.

2. Accept where you are.

You can’t change something you don’t acknowledge. So, instead of resisting or fighting where you are, come to peace with it. Say yes to every part of your life, and from that place, make decisions that will move you in the right direction.

3. Love your journey.

Your life might have been messy and bumpy. It might have been coloured by mistakes, anxiety, and fear. I know mine has. But all those things were catalysts to help you become a better, wiser, and more courageous version of yourself. So, embrace your story and how much you’ve grown from it. Be proud of what you’ve done and for wanting to create a better life for yourself.

4. Do a social media detox.

We’re constantly bombarded with people who live?#amazing ?lives on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook. What we don’t consider is that we often?compare ourselves with others who might not be being completely truthful or transparent.?

Social media can be a great source for inspiration and knowledge. But, if it triggers inadequacy, self-doubt, and frustration, then choose to do a detox. Make sure you control social media and not the other way around.

5. Know that this will pass.

If you’re?content?today, remember that this is just a snapshot of your life. Where you are today doesn’t say anything about where you’ll be in one or three years from now. What matters isn’t where you are. What matters is your mindset, attitude, and where you’re going.

6. Gratitude rocks.

Oprah said, “Be thankful for what you have; you’ll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough.”

Whenever you find yourself looking at what other people have, remind yourself of?what you are grateful for. So, shift focus from what you don’t have, to what you?do?have.

7. Decide not to let fear guide your choices.

The choices we make are either based on courage or fear.?

I’ve made all my fear-based decisions out of insecurity and a feeling of scarcity. They’ve never taken me in the direction I wanted.

Make sure love and courage are the foundation for your choices. To stay on track, ask yourself this powerful question, “What would love and courage do for me right now?”

8. Perfectionism doesn't exist.

There will always be someone who’s richer, smarter, and more attractive than you. No one is perfect. Trying to be perfect is not the solution. So, instead of getting down on yourself for your flaws, quirks, and imperfections, accept them fully. Free yourself by embracing the fact that you’re perfectly imperfect.

9. Be your own cheerleader.

That awful voice inside your head can tell you all kind of bullish*t and we can let those ANT's (Automatic Negative Thoughts) creep in - squash them. Mine has told me that I’m not good enough, smart enough and so many more in comparison to others (and a bunch of other stupid things and lies to be honest).

Instead of joining in when the that voice of comparison pops up, choose to be on your side. Be kind and comfort yourself. Give yourself regular pep talks, and if you wouldn’t say it to a friend, don’t say it to yourself. Talk to yourself like someone you adore!

10. Turn comparison into inspiration.

We tend to compare our behind-the-scenes with someone else’s big moment. We tend to focus on their success, not on the thousands of hours they’ve spent preparing and working for their achievement. Instead of letting other people’s triumphs get you down on yourself, let them open you up to possibilities. Let them be inspiration for what you can be, do and have in life.

11. Stop “shoulding” or "I'll try".

Comparison often leads to us?"shouldering" or "I'll try". We say things such as, “I?should?have this by now” or “I?should?have come further or "I might try this.” But statements like that just keep us focused on what we’re lacking.

Instead of using “should” or "try" when expressing commitments, use “want” or "will" and notice how your inner dialogue shifts.

12. Compare yourself with you.

If you need to compare yourself with someone, compare yourself with you. What can you do to improve your life quality? How can you be a better and more loving person? How can you be nicer to yourself than you were yesterday? You are the only person you can compare yourself with.

13. Tell a great story.

If the story you’re telling yourself isn’t one of empowerment, courage, and hope, then tell a greater story.

Instead of telling yourself you’re not competent enough to do the work you want to do, tell yourself you’re brave enough to try something new. Instead of blaming yourself for mistakes in the past, remind yourself that you did the best you could and that you’ve learned from it.

Leave a great story and legacy!

Call into your Courage and Stop Comparing

Comparing ourselves to others often leaves us feeling frustrated, anxious, and fearful about moving forward. It doesn’t help one little bit in creating the life we want. Instead, it just takes away valuable and important time and energy that could have been spent on building our future.

Whenever you focus on what other people have that you don’t, you give away your power. Every minute spent on comparing your path to someone else’s is a minute lost on creating your own.

So, take back your power from all the people, places, and situations where you’ve left it and bring it back home. Decide that your energy will be used for believing, not doubting, and for "courage'ing", not fearing.

Focus on you. Focus on what makes you rock and building your path. Focus on being the best that you can be and share that with the rest of us.

You got this. Always stay kind and courageous! x

By?Sonia McDonald ?– CEO Of?LeadershipHQ ?And?McDonald Inc. ?Leadership Coach, Global Keynote Speaker, Entrepreneur, CEO And Award Winning Author.

Sonia is passionate about her voice. When Sonia speaks, everyone in the room feels like she is having a conversation with them as her audience will feel as if they are the only one in the room. She speaks from the heart. She is brave. She wants everyone to be brave. She is an impactful and motivational leadership expert and speaker that creates a life-changing experience. People call Sonia sassy, inspirational, real and a speaker who leaves a lasting impression. Her high-energy, authenticity and humour combined with actionable and practical advice, empowers her audience and provides them with great drive and confidence to take courageous actions and inspire great leadership in all aspects of their lives.

Sonia also is founder of LeadershipHQ and McDonald Inc. and is also a renowned and award-winning author, having written several of her own books, Leadership Attitude, Just Rock It! and First Comes Courage as well as being a regular contributor in The Australian, HRD Magazine, Smart Healthy Women and Women’s Business Media. She was named as one of the Top 250 Influential Women in the world as well as Top 100 Australian Entrepreneurs by Richtopia.

Through her leadership advisory and coaching work at LeadershipHQ, and founding the Outstanding Leadership Awards, Sonia is internationally recognised as an expert in leadership and culture, organisational development, neuroscience, kindness, and courage.

Sonia is also a full-time single parent and has a passion for women in business and teenage mental health. Sonia travels and speaks across Australia and Globe, and she is on a mission to building a world of great leaders and leadership.