DON’T MAKE PEOPLE DEPENDENT ON YOU, IT BACKFIRES

Independent decision making is an outcome of confident people. Irrespective of whether the decision has been wrong or right, a decision taken carries its own value, ethics, mental strength and confidence. Ironically, most of the time we ourselves compel people to accept our advice for a right decision. We become self-proclaimed gurus and advisors. We get pleasure in advising people on what they should do and what they should not. We experience that popularity and how people approach us. The desire of gaining importance certainly gives boost to our ego.

This behaviour generally starts from our homes. We start giving advice to our children and better-half. Gradually, their decision-making power starts shaking. For every right decision, there is a question mark. For every right move, there is a hesitation. They refrain from taking decision on very small matters. They become dependent on you and then the story of mutual disagreement begins.

“I need your advice but not necessary I will agree with you”. How does this statement sound? “I will not be responsible for what you have asked me to do, since I am not convinced”. How do you feel listening to this? “You are forcing me to do this, though I know this is going to be a disaster”. It is quite painful to hear all this. And finally, “you know nothing about it.” And then there is a long silence. You surrendered.

This is just the beginning of disconnect, frustration and sulking. The heart wants to do something else, and the mind, which is full of indecisiveness, asks for an acceptable advice. Here, when you give an advice, which is generally opposite to what the other person is seeking from you, the bomb explodes.

In some cases, the person blindly follows your advice and you are overburdened with the outcomes – what if this advice fails and what if this turns out to be true. Your mind is now doing multi-tasking. You are also left to address their issues and tantrums. You are sandwiched between the emotions and realise much later, that you have made few semi-independent people, completely dependent on you. You have ruined your happiness and your own issues are now compiling.

Children are masterminds in this. They know how and when to press the right button of panic and emotions. They know that ultimately the decision will be what they have decided, and it is only a matter of who conveys now, poor parents. They know when their tears would work miracles and when they would get imprint of their parent’s hand on their cheeks. No one can match their timing of thoughtfulness and blackmailing.

They know we gave them birth. And they also know, our emotions are much bigger than theirs. They also have this faith that in whatever circumstances, their parents will be always remain with them. And this happens to be the biggest emotional crush for them.

In few cases, they would take a decision and allow you to sit in the column of BCC, as if it was a matter of sending a confidential mail. You know it but cannot do anything about it.

Sometimes it is more painful when each and every advice that you give, has a counter question. You become victim of giving advice since you are asked to justify, how your advice is right and why it is not wrong. A time comes, when you say – “Ok, I give up, do it the way you want to do it”, and this is what they have been waiting listen from you.

Don’t think that by saying this you would be able to escape failure. No. all failure is yours and success would go to them, after all, they took the right decision. And why failures to you, since you failed to convince them for not doing a wrong action, it is your fault.

This syndrome is not limited to home or in office, it is quite prevalent in friends also. “Please advise me”, “Can you advise me”, “Can you tell me”, “If I may ask you”. “Will someone tell me” etc - are all same. At the end, you realise, why did I do this.

In most of the advice you give to your friends, you certain to land up either landing either in trouble or landing in a restaurant for a treat. Chances of first one is more. Your friendship can break like a noodle if it did not taste good.

Working places and offices are even worse. Some of your subordinates tend to be over-smart and they think the boss will not understand. Whole day some intelligent people would sit in-front of their laptops and the time you ask them about completion of certain important assignment, they would come up instantly by saying – “sorry sir, I was just about to come to you for your advice. Actually, I am not understanding how to do. I am stuck.” You would instantly realise that this ‘about to come’ is happening for the last 7-8 years and you end up dictating almost the entire assignment for the last so many years. And then such people come to you for appraisal and crib when you tell them explain what you did in the entire year independently. Yes, post appraisal, they certainly do a better job while rewriting their resume.

Another classic example is when your subordinates keep doing same thing again and again and you keep advising them again and again. A time comes when they come and ask you – “how do you want me to do this. Whatever I am doing, you are not liking”. You tend to find a wall to hit your head and search for your options – (a) I do it myself, (b) You sit with me and ill dictate you, (c) You decide to shift this work to someone else, and finally (d) You shout at them at tell them that they are duffers.

By accepting any of your options, this would benefit such subordinates. In order to keep the quality of deliverables, all your earlier advice and instructions have made them dependent on you, and since they do not apply their mind now, they do not want to apply their mind. Now is the time you too start looking for an advice from your seniors. 

Irony is that people do not need advice, we forcibly give them and make them dependent on us. They are very smart to ask you for selective advice, and that is to only make you accountable for failures.

Don’t make anyone dependent on you. It is the most-tricky situation. By doing so, you will not only kill the natural decision- making power of that person but would also burden yourself with undue stress.

There is a difference between ‘responsibility’ and ‘dependency’. We are responsible for a lot of things as a parent, as a professional and also as a friend. But when one starts becoming dependent on you for every small matter, then it is a time to encourage decision making and let there be learning if the decisions are going wrong. A correct decision would have to pass through the litmus test of failures.

And if the decisions taken are right, you have already taken a strong step towards promoting independent decision-making confidence. Appreciate a right decision, even if you were not a part of it.

Go on back-foot and stop playing god. Your advice is always related to your competency, as in how with your competency and caliber, you would handle a situation. Rather, the other person has its own competency, limitation and assessment. Making people dependent on you for decision making will always backfire, if not today, then certainly tomorrow.