Don't Look Back Just Glance!

Don’t Look back just glance!

I recently dropped my son off at the LDS Missionary Training Center and it was an interesting experience for me, as I remembered when I left to serve my mission. I reflected on what advise I as a father could give my son as he embarks on his journey of manhood or basically growing the hell up!

As we all have I received advise from my parents as I embarked on my journey, not all of us take the same path and not all of us receive the same advise. Even as siblings we receive different advise or different counsel, and now being a parent I understand that each individual needs different things, each child needs different guidance, each child needs different skills taught to them or honed. We all have different talents and areas we thrive in and other areas we do not.

As I thought about this and what advise can I give that is universal that applies to him, me, my daughter, my other son and all of us. As I did this I started looking back on what I had done when he was younger as a parent, what mistakes I had made, what went wrong and what went good or right. For Logan I had a lot of regrets vs not and I really started to dwell on the whole situation and found it tearing me up inside. Then I started thinking about what has happened, what has changed, and what caused those changes.

When I changed careers from the Diesel Engine Industry- Mining, and Oil & Gas focus to Lending I had a great friend ask me Why are you wanting to make this change. All I can tell you is that the question made me emotional, and I had not let emotions affect me like that since I was a young child. ( Grown Men Don’t Cry Generation). I wanted to make a change to create a better relationship with my children and my wife, I wanted to work at a place that really meant it when they said your family is important. In my past career I was out of town far more than I was at home, and even when I was home, I was always working and being pushed to do more. I made great money and had lots of things but I didn’t have the relationship I wanted to have with my family. Dan made me realize even more how much that really meant to me.

I realized that the important thing is that when I looked at the past I had made changes to my current self and future vs repeating the mistakes I already had made. In the last 4 years I have been to more of my children’s activities then I had been in 15 years prior of being a parent. I got to see my oldest play in his High School Tennis tournaments, watched my daughter with High School Cheer, and Soccer, Cheered on my youngest in Soccer, football, basketball and even a little baseball and I have been present for them to discuss life and share my advise. To listen to their problems and be there to hold them when they are crying and laugh with them at their mistakes. I understand now what it means to be a parent and a partner, not just a provider. I doubt I would be where I am at today with my family had life not changed, and had I not looked back glancing and learning from my past.

So my advice to my son was to not look back in the past and focus on it but to glance at it, see what went right or what went wrong and adjust your course. I told him that we cannot change the past (I could not change the time I spent away, the selfish attitude and the focus I had on work success vs home success) all we can do is make a better choice for the future and adjust what we are doing and set goals not to repeat the past. If we just glance in the past and choose to focus on the now we don’t miss out on the current opportunities. If we are focused on the past and mistakes we have made thinking there is no hope, we may not see the opportunities in front of us.

By making the changes I did while hard, and dealing with ghosts from my past currently still makes it difficult, those changes have been the best thing in my life and for my relationship with my wife and children.

If we take our failures and successes of the past and apply the knowledge gained from them whether good or bad, we are giving ourselves the opportunity for growth now and in the future.

One example of this for me is making time for my children. While working at the old employer I was not around to go to my children’s events. I didn’t make it to many of Logan’s activities and my daughter’s birthday was always around the time I was given the task of hauling hay. I made choices to further my career vs further my relationship with my children and support them. I was gone, “Making money for the family” was my self-justification. To many times the song “Cat’s in the Cradle” by Harry Chapin would play in my head and I knew that something was heading in the wrong direction.

With the question of Why at my feet I realized I had lost my focus a long time ago and that I needed to make those corrections. Just the other day I had my youngest send me a message- “Dad, How’s your day? Can you come take me to lunch just me and you!” Now my initial response was going to be No, I have an appointment already and can’t make it let’s do another day- I had it all typed up and then I glanced back and realized I needed to make the right choice. I quickly canceled my existing appointment and sent a message back to my son of “Yes!” I don’t know if I missed any business opportunities because of the missed lunch but I do know that I had a great time with my son and I hope it’s a memory for him to look back on and know that he was important to me.

I want to leave you with a final thought. We cannot change the past, there is no time machine and there is no magic that takes us back and lets us fix our mistakes, all we can do is change our present course and future based on what we have learned from the past! If we glance back at the past and look at what we learned from our past experience and better ourselves now and in the future, then the mistake or the past has served it purpose. If all we do is focus on the past and the things we cannot change we will be stuck forever in the past and will let the rest of this wonderful life experience we have pass us by.