Don't live someone else's values. Define your own

In the Arena is LinkedIn News’ weekly human potential podcast hosted by (me)?Leah Smart. You’ll hear from some of the world's brightest minds and bravest hearts about how to show up daily to live a better & more meaningful life.?Subscribe to the show's newsletter?here. This week former Nintendo President & COO, Reggie Fils-Aime shared the 5 life principles that guided him to success.

In the Arena Live: Coached is happening on 6/21 at 12 pm ET. We're looking for a volunteer who wants to start defining their values and is willing to be coached live. Send me a message directly if you're interested.

“Is it being able to do what you want whenever you want? Are you basically saying you don’t like to commit to things? Maybe it’s just free-spirited?”?

Listening to my coach attempt to guess at the value I was trying to describe was like watching someone frantically throw darts around the outer edge of a bullseye. I was hopeful and disappointed that they weren’t getting it, while simultaneously inspired to figure it out myself. Funny enough, that’s what makes a great coach: Someone who is willing to keep missing, in service of their coachee hitting the target.

“It's freedom, yes. But it’s not like I’m a commitment-phobe,” I snapped back.

For example, I love waking up early and knowing my morning will consist of exercise followed by meditation and writing. I prefer to have plans instead of a smattering of spontaneous action. I’m a fairly ritualistic person. ?

The truth though is it wasn’t always this way. I used to believe the joy of freedom was consistently having one foot in while the other excitedly tapped around for more favorable ground. This looked like “keeping my options open” in every area. From Friday night plans to choosing a college major, life was a series of sporadic decisions. I lovingly called this, “having fun.” I was a commitment-phobe. Now those truths I used to grasp felt foreign.

But, this coaching moment wasn’t about beliefs, it was about values. They’re different.

In a recent conversation, I heard beliefs are taught, values are intrinsic. And here's the tough part about beliefs we cling to: they’re often more like seeds planted than a fully blossomed flower. But if you’re willing to hold them loosely, the unfolding could actually delight you.

Thankfully, my coach had gotten me far enough to know one of my values had freedom in it, but there was something missing. Something more personal.

Simply saying “freedom” was a value felt like leaving the stock photo in a new picture frame and putting it above my fireplace.

“It’s not just freedom, because what it’s meant has changed. In my early 20s, I wanted to be in the sky more than on the ground. I wanted all ‘yes’ and very little ‘no.’ I was frenetic. Now I‘ve found self-discipline creates a more desirable kind of liberation. My value is the evolution of freedom.”?

Bam. In about 20 minutes I’d uncovered a value that felt true then and has grown with me since. Freedom wasn’t a belief, it was a DNA-like value from which beliefs could be hypothesized, examined, and evolved.

In a world of constant offense and defense, it’s easy for many people to accidentally combine beliefs with values. We make our beliefs so precious that the smallest challenge threatens our very foundation. But beliefs are like a house of cards. Consider a belief you held 10 years ago. How has life experience, relationships, and the environment changed it?

I’ve found a stronger approach is to figure out the value you’re trying to uphold through the belief. For example, your belief might be that at work you must always be producing something. But when you find yourself continuously burnt out, you’re forced to reexamine. Further investigation shows you the value is needing your work to have meaning. And there are multiple approaches to that, so the belief can shift while the value is upheld.

Values Mining Exercise

Renowned organizational researcher and bestselling author, Jim Collins, asks clients to pretend a scientist studied them and their behavior intensely for 12 months. Imagine you were being studied and two values you clearly exhibit were picked based on your actual behavior.

1. What two values are clear based on your behaviors?
2. What are you doing when you’re using those values? What aren’t you doing?
3. What would make the values uniquely yours? Try a phrase, characters, or combinations of words that feel authentic.?
4. On a scale of 1-10, how closely are you living by those values now? What would it take to get closer to a 10?
5. With that in mind, what’s something easy you can do to get started?

Values can be as unique as we are. And authentic values inspire people around us, even if they don’t share them. So, when you live yours, others have permission to uncover theirs. In my experience as a coach, values come from a place of love. They inspire connectedness, not separation. Because of this, we benefit from untangling them from our beliefs. So, as you mine for values like the evolution of freedom or meaning in work you’re incidentally bridging the divide created by beliefs.

Until next time…how do you hold your values tightly and your beliefs lightly?