Don’t ‘like’ this post! It’s good for my Ego

“Oh, there he is!” I exclaimed, as I looked across the crowd of people huddled together in the concert hall. There, in a red shirt, 20 feet from the left of the stage, he stood smiling and chatting as he had his photo snapped with his many fans. From a distance, I watched for nearly 10 minutes before the crowd died down.?

Then, he was alone, and I saw my opening. But it was already five minutes past eight and the show was already supposed to have started. “It’s too late, I thought,”? and the cold hands of fear almost held me down. But deep down, I knew that on the other side of that uncomfortable feeling was my growth. With that knowing, I willed myself forward.

“Let’s go! I told my friend.” I rose to my feet, and started shuffling through the crowd toward him. I came to a small set of stairs that led to the upper stage, and when I emerged at the top, there he was: Krishna Das, the world-renowned Kirtan musician and one of my favourite musical artists.??

“Can I take a photo with you?” I exclaimed like an excited groupie.

He chuckled and made a little joke. “Well, maybe,” he said with a sly grin

“Honestly, I love your music so much, man. I listen to you every day!”

He seemed surprised.

I went on. “Yea. I am a writer, and every day, just before I start my creative sessions, I take a moment and put your songs on repeat in the background and let the mantras fill me while I write.”

He looked appreciative, smiled, and said, “OK. But let’s make it quick, I should already be up there…”

Like lightning, I snapped a few quick photos, turned, and wobbled back to my seat, so excited by meeting someone who has supported my creative work so much. I took my seat, and in a minute, Krishna Das was front and center stage singing beautiful bhajans, Sanskrit love songs to the Divine.

Then I realised my mistake….

Let me explain:

Here in Bali, where I live, we have lots of waterfalls. So many that it’s easy for me to hop on my motorbike and drive to these stunning sights 20 minutes in every direction. But, while I love going to see these falls, I sometimes struggle to stop myself from judging how people act around them. Because 95 percent of the folks that come seem to be more concerned about themselves than about appreciating the moment and taking in the waterfall’s beauty. It’s just one big photoshoot, with rows and rows of people snapping portraits of themselves to post on social media. And I gotta say, it kind of breaks my heart a little bit every time I go. I mean, really, here are these magnificent works of creation, and all people can do is think about themselves and how they look in front of them. I can almost feel the sadness of the land, the ancestors, and the spirits of the place at people's failure to acknowledge them.

And while I may have judged others for doing that at the waterfalls, here I was doing exactly that at the concert with Krishna Das. I was only thinking about myself.?

Despite having received so much from this musician, I took more from him, rather than gave. I even failed to say those two magical words that make all the difference in this life:

?“Thank you.”?

It still hurts as I reflect on that experience.?

Now, while I have my own work to do around this, I do believe this is more than a mere personal shortcoming and part of a larger social condition that, as a whole, we humans need to address. Because I believe it’s this cultural condition that has led to so much anxiety, depression, and excess.?

The Bigger Problem: The Big “Me”

David Brooks, an op-ed columnist and New York Times best-selling author, talks about this problem in his exceptional book The Road to Character. He coins this cultural condition ”The Big Me,” which essentially is this societal obsessive focus on the self. The Big Me is largely concerned with external forms of success, such as position, fame, and appearance. Hence, in order to keep up with its grandiosity, excess is part of the package, be it in material things or, even in doings, and loves to be busy. So concerned with the self, The Big Me, loves the infamous selfie, and social media exaggerates this cultural condition.

Every “like'' gives The Big Me the false sense that it is valued and loved. And when those likes fail to come, feelings of ‘not enough’ and unworthiness plague it. So, desperately, it tries to find ways to fill the insatiable void.?

The Cost of the Big Me

But what happens when we follow this Big Me cultural trend??

Well, there is a large body of research that links self-centeredness to addiction, anxiety, and depression. Other studies have correlated social media use with similar negative outcomes. This is not surprising, as much of social media is primarily focused on self-interest. Other research has found that when people chase after external measures of success, such as material wealth, they are less psychologically stable and more prone to psychological distress.

Moreover, The Big Me culture does not just affect us negatively, but the consequences of this hyper self-focus negatively impact our planet as a whole.?

Think about it. In order to keep up with this “Big” culture, we need to take and take and take at rates that are impossible to replenish. More forests need to be chopped down, more oil drilled, and more products sold, in order to keep up with an insane fascination with Bigness. And the earth feels it.?

It’s worth noting that GDP (Gross Domestic Product (GDP) is the standard for how “well” a country is doing. Many believe that a high GDP means a country is growing and thus, doing well when measured against others. But the reality is, this measure of “wellness" does not take into account the fact that in order to grow at the insane rates we do, we need to “take” at rates that sacrifice many other more telling measures of wellness, such as sustainability and ethical work practices.?

Even more interesting is that cancer, the terrible disease that plagues the globe, acts in this very same way. Cancer cells are only concerned with their self-interest. They grow at alarming rates that eventually not only kill the host, but themselves.?

As we reflect on our current climate crisis, does it not sound like a similar parallel?

The Solution to Big Me Culture

We don’t have to go far to find the answer. We simply need to look outside our window and pay attention to nature to find our solution. As the mystic poet Hafiz observed:?

Even after all this time

The sun never says to the earth,

‘You owe me.’

Look what happens

with a love like that.

It lights the whole sky.

― Hafiz

This idea of giving, as opposed to taking, has been prescribed as the path to a good life in ancient wisdom traditions around the globe. The Bhagavad Gita, the timeless text on how to live, instructs us toward a path of right activity that is not focused on self-satisfaction but instead on serving the whole.?

“Strive constantly to serve the welfare of the world; by devotion to selfless work one attains the supreme goal of life.”

Again, in the Bible it suggests to “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves…not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.”??

In Taoism, the sage Lao Zu instructs that: “A man can achieve his own happiness only by pursuing the happiness of others because it is only by forgetting about his own happiness that he can become truly happy.”??

Even modern science highlights this wisdom, with research in FMRI (brain imaging) studies we have found that pleasure centres of the brain are more activated when serving others, as opposed to achieving personal pleasure.?

The Solution

So there it is, the solution to the Big Me Culture.? A simple shift in mindset from ‘me’ to ‘we’ makes all the difference.?

But, I will not lie. That shift may be simple, but it is far from easy to achieve. Like all skills, it must be practiced. Even as I wrote this very paragraph, my visiting mother walked into my office and asked to borrow my only? set of headphones. I was using them, listening to Krishna Das. I could see my ego wanting to clutch to “my” things. It was only for a moment, but I had a visceral sense of the feeling. I brushed it off and offered my headphones with a smile. But, upon reflection, I wonder if I may have stayed irritated had I not been writing an article on the very subject of giving!?

That said, these principles must be practiced again and again and again. And we must constantly remind ourselves through reading the wisdom, being in the right company, and filling our minds with these ideals.?

Because the truth is, we are conditioned daily to think about self. And we must recondition ourselves to take the attention away from the Big Me, and bring it back to something beyond, be that another human being, a cause, or God.

Put simply, this mindset requires sacrifice. Sometimes that may be small things like a set of headphones, or it could be our time. Or it could be to a cause bigger than ourselves. But most of the time, we can be doing the very same thing we always do, but with the consciousness of service, as opposed to self-gratification.?

You can use social media, pursue a client, practice positive self care, or do your laundry, all with this simple shift in mindset, from selfishness to service.

It’s worth noting that the root of the word ‘sacrifice’ means ‘to make sacred.’ Thus, when we take our attention off “me” and our little wants we become like the sun the mystic Hafiz spoke about, not asking for reciprocity. By adjusting our focus away from ‘me,’? we both make this world a brighter place and our entire life becomes a sacred act.?

How’s that for living a meaningful life?

p.s. Special thanks to Krishna Das and the Divine Spirit that moves through him as he does his work. I’m so grateful that it helps me do mine.?

p.p.s. I told you not to ‘like’ this post. But I do want people to read it, which means feeding the algorithms. So, please do like, comment, and share, with a mind of service.