Don't let what is around get into you

Let me tell you that over the years, I’ve gained confidence in the worth that I have as a person– as the unique individual I am. But believing in yourself is different from believing that someone else can believe in you too. And loving yourself is very different from accepting that someone else can love you too. Because I find myself thinking about how nobody, except those related to me by blood, was there for me in my worst and my best times. Not a soul, not a single individual who supposedly loved me, cared.

So how can I let my guard down and let someone in my life when I cannot fathom the possibility of being loved by someone outside of my family? Of being cared for? How can I let you in when I am thinking with such certainty that you will leave? I used to be a very trusting person, as well as a generous and forgiving person. I'm the type who always gives change or food to homeless people.

I've forgiven friends, family members, and my ex for things that you wouldn't believe; only to end up being hurt again. I gave my ex 100 chances, after the cheating and the lies; only for him to take everything in the world that I had worked for when we finally broke up. Most people on social media etc. don't really want to be a true friend, they want “followers”, and people to validate and praise everything they do in life. The main reason I quit letting people into my life, other than the few friends I've had for 5, 10, or 20 years- is because the more people that are involved in your life, the more complicated it becomes.

To find your true path and purpose in like life requires a quiet period of time in your life, so you can shut out the outside noise and get to know your innermost self; and to get to know God at the highest level also requires some time alone. I’m in my 60s, so lots and lots of experience with people in India. I noticed early on that my father quietly, very quietly, disliked people except for a chosen few, mostly family, but some colleagues and their partners. My mother was raised to be gracious and hospitable as she was raised in a small town. She was incapable of the quick put-down when insulted, as she was a lady. So she suffered a lot I think ‘cause my family’s social circle was not rich, but still prosperous, often snobbish, competitive and sometimes highly pretentious.

So socially I became like my parents, adopted their sensibility. Over the years, and it took me many years, I made important observations about people I think. A small minority are not this way but most are: people can and will justify bad behavior, verbal abuse, especially self-absorbed husbands. And only 2 or so out of a hundred people have integrity in that they won’t betray a confidence, talk about you behind your back to others who know you (which makes it awkward later. Listen, backbiting is bad karmically as it grows incrementally, festers. Think of the implications for you in this life and next folks!!!

But for people who don’t really care about you, your latest escapade becomes the evening’s entertainment over drinks or tacos etc when you’re not there to defend yourself or set the record straight. And too many men get over their wives after their deaths or separations and seem intent on replacing you as soon as possible without looking too desperate. There is very little true love in marriages. I have never quite gotten over this callousness. I’m sure women do this too, but not to the extent men do. As women we are merely replaceable when the shut door hits the fan.

Also for decades, my social group and family have been piss-poor at making needed apologies. I apologize like the British- too much actually! So the latter hurts like hell emotionally, over time. Moreover, very few people care or take the time to become good listeners (or think to support you emotionally- even occasionally). I remember most of what people tell me, chat about their lives, then find myself repeating stories and repeating simple facts like I’m the youngest of three children or I was raised primarily in town, whatever it is to even my most established out of town long-term friends. It’s just so discouraging at this point that I’ve given up and I don’t tell my stories much anymore. I’m bored with my own stories anyway, have been since I was 30! I began listening a lot then. I learned a lot about people and my friends as a result. I've also been a student of psychology my entire life.

For these reasons and more, I tend to avoid people or make very few new friends now, even though I recently shifted to a new locality. Locally, I do have a new platonic male friend and one bitchy, snarky female new friend I talk to or see occasionally. I’ve yet to commit to her emotionally and that’s it. But I see she’s been damaged by family herself and can empathize. On top of it all, my love life is best described as “it’s complicated” so I’m alone for hours daily as I’m retired and not volunteering yet cause of lingering Covid.

I will probably write a book in late August however. But I like my own company, I read a lot, garden daily, and go out and do fun things alone all the time. I travel twice a year here and abroad. I meditate, pray, talk to my personal God and beloved cat Sport daily, so it’s enough. I’m enough! I used to be the exact opposite and let everyone into my life. I would talk about my problems to make them feel comfortable in knowing we all have problems and we all get judged…but I don't care and they shouldn't either.

Unfortunately it turned out that most of these “listeners" were using that information to throw against me when our relationship went sour. It is too common that when a good relationship (this includes friendships and family ties etc) goes bad, the other person does not hesitate in retaliating by insulting you using all the information you shared, in trust, as a weapon. It doesn't matter that I don't do that, it matters that most people do or at least have done to me.

I don't want to be betrayed and I am paranoid a lot thinking that everyone has intent and no one is really good because it feels good. I try my best to just not form any relationships because once I do, I may just get too comfortable. Me getting comfortable, means me opening up, and likely getting betrayed or hurt again. So I do try not to let people in, by keeping them out to begin with. I have always been quiet and withdrawn. If I’m (forced to go) to a party, I’ll find a nice cozy corner to stand in and watch. I don’t answer the home-phone or cell-phone and I don’t answer the doorbell. I wait until they leave and then check to see if they left a package.

I will never initiate a conversation, but will offer an opinion if asked. I hate everyone and if they don’t leave me alone, I find a way to get lost. I?don’t need outside influences to create my own happiness. I don’t need drama or to listen to complaining or accusations. I like peace and quiet and the freedom to think my own thoughts. If I ever crave company, I have my pets who give me all the love and attention I need. I believe that I am a product of the people I surround myself with. I want to be around people who have skills, abilities, experiences and insights that I can benefit from. People I can learn from to continue my self improvement journey. This is proving difficult for me to find people I like I that have something to offer socially. Cheers!