Don't let them pause their responsibilities

As an ex-drama and English teacher, I know everyone has their quirks when presenting. Indeed, it’s a rare person who can speak in complete sentences. Most people need take a moment to collect their thoughts and formulate their next statement.  ‘Umm’ or ‘ahh’ or even nonsense phrases such as ‘at the end of the day’ often function as words to fill this space so that the other person knows to keep listening to you while you put your next thought together.

But it strikes me that some children can also regularly use a pause technique. Not in words such as ‘umm’, but in a few classic phrases that delay action for them a little, particularly when their parents are asking them to stop doing something they enjoy (video gaming, watching TV, playing) to doing something they don’t want to do (washing up, cleaning their room, doing their homework). Let’s look at some common delay tactics.

‘Just a minute.’ A classic of the genre, asking for another 60 seconds has been around eternally – well at least since the dawn of the second hand on timepieces. It’s not the worst of the delay tactics but becomes problematic as parents will often be forced to ask the child again. And then it’s likely that then, yet another minute will be requested. 

Generally, I suggest only asking twice and then insisting they do it then and there. But you might wish to insist it is done now in the first instance, particularly if it is a basic task that they should know to do on time, such as homework.

‘I’m in the middle of a game.’ This one is much more used these days in the age of gaming, and admittedly has a bit more weight now they could lose technological lives, points and leader board positions when interrupted. To stop this as an excuse, it is better if you have set up a regular amount of time they are to be gaming, so that they can self-monitor and not start another game if it is likely that they risk being late completing a task. 

‘What is my sibling doing?’ As a delaying tactic, this one often works because unless both siblings are doing chores at the same time, then it is likely that a child will pull the victim card for being the ‘only one asked to do anything’. This becomes particularly tricky if their sibling is younger and therefore not as responsible to do chores around the house or having fewer tasks such as homework. Key here is not to enter into a discussion or start justifying your actions as it is likely to get into an argument (a further effective delaying tactic children might choose to employ). 

‘You didn’t ask me in the way I prefer.’ As long as you have used a calm voice and stance to make the request, they are capable of doing the task, and this isn’t 200th thing you’ve requested them to do today, then your instruction was valid.  The notion that there is a ‘right’ way to ask things is a clever ploy as the ‘correct’ way is often indefinable and ever changing. Children will tend to only say this if you have indulged this type of thinking in the past by apologising for not asking them ‘properly’. 

You’re the parent, and you’re in charge. You have to teach your child how to deal with the annoying responsibilities that everyone has to deal with on a daily basis. Good on your child for being clever enough to create a pause, but don’t reward it with an endless delay on their responsibilities.

Takeaway for parents

Half of the battle is in your instructions. Here’s how to get them right.

·      Sometimes, give them some notice to prepare them (‘5 minutes more’)

·      Gain eye contact and get close, to ensure they’re listening.

·      Be clear and calm.

·      Don’t use questions (“Would you like to …’) or state a preference (“I’d like you to …’).

·      Instead, give instructions (‘Put your toys away, it’s time for your bath’).

·      Praise them when they comply. 

·      If they don’t do as you say, repeat the instruction calmly – don’t raise your voice.

·      Still no response? Go straight to a consequence, such as Time Out.

? Judith Locke

This column appeared in the Sunday Mail on 27.6.21. Subscribe to the Courier Mail to get access to my column every week. Find more sensible parenting advice in my book, The Bonsai Child: Why modern parenting limits children and practical strategies to turn it around  or, my latest book,  The Bonsai Student: Why Modern parenting limits children’s potential and practical strategies to turn it around  or have me come to your school to talk to parents and teachers about enhancing child resilience and wellbeing. Contact me here.