Don't let negative feedback define you

Getting negative feedback, especially from those we respect and trust, can quickly become an?emotional train wreck ?that leaves us feeling hurt, helpless, and even a little bit hopeless. And when those messages are repeated over time, they can?diminish ?our productivity, motivation and even our prospects for employment.

We don't choose the feedback we get, but we always control where it goes. Easier said than done, right? After years of helping organizations around the world receive and achieve?feedback without fear , I've settled on a few principles and practices that can help. Some are directed at others. Others are pointed at ourselves.

With yourself:

Before you allow yourself to become frustrated by negative feedback, fact-check it by asking yourself three questions:

1. Is this feedback personal??(It might be situational and not about you.)
2. Is this feedback permanent??(It might be a temporary issue that goes away.)
3. Is this feedback pervasive??(It might be a localized problem, not a system error.)

These questions can help you separate facts from feelings, distinguish fixed conditions from fluid circumstances, and identify where and when the feedback applies. Doing this fact-check can help you set the record straight before you let it spiral.

With the feedback giver:

Once you've done some inner tuning, you're ready to engage the person who gave you feedback. This is an opportunity to confront the issues, not the individual.

1. Be courteous: Thank the person for giving you feedback -- even if you don't like it.
2. Be curious: Clarify the feedback -- when and where is this happening?
3. Be contrite: Apologize -- don't be too proud to say you're sorry for what's happened.
4. Be constructive: Ask for advice -- show that you want to move forward and improve.

These steps communicate your strength of character and seriousness of purpose. Not only will you be seen more credibly by others, but you'll deepen your capacity for humility, curiosity and self-awareness -- turning negative feedback into a positive force.

With others:

We rarely get better all by ourselves. As a final step, widen the feedback loop by seeking insight and input from a trusted colleague, family member or friend:

1. Ask for a "second story" to get an alternative perspective.
2. Develop a coping strategy or plan of execution.
3. Create an accountability plan focused on goals and growth.

Getting an outsider’s perspective can provide much-needed distance and details that enable you to find the signal in the noise. Know who your "mirror holders" are -- ultimately, they are the ones who will help you discover the?joy of getting feedback .

Negative feedback should refine us, not define us. When we tune our emotions, show our best intentions, and enlist the support of others, getting negative feedback may turn out to be more positive than we think.

Keep fixing,

Joe?

Dr. Joe Hirsch helps organizations design and deliver feedback without fear. He's a?TEDx ?and?global keynote speaker ?and the author of "The Feedback Fix ." Joe's work and research has been featured in Harvard Business Review, Forbes, CNBC, The Wall Street Journal, Inc. and other major outlets. He also hosts the popular podcast,?I Wish They Knew .

Stay connected:?YouTube ?|?Twitter ?|?Speaking