Don’t Let Gray Hair Get To Your Head (Figuratively, Of Course)

Sunday night. 10:20 pm. I’m driving back in the pouring rain after dropping off my daughter at her university. Billy Currington’s “People Are Crazy” is playing and I’m singing along…

It’s interrupted by the ping of an incoming text message.

I pull into my driveway and check my phone… it’s a message from Tim – “Need to talk… got passed over for that promotion… feeling crushed”

My first thought: “Shoot—I think I know why.”

I’ve known Tim for a few years now. He works in marketing at a multi-national CPG company and he is outstanding at what he does. In fact, I’m fairly certain he should have gotten that promotion.

But since he'd turned 50, Tim has been particularly worried that he’s becoming obsolete—comparing himself to the young, tech-savvy MBAs his division was hiring that are (in his words) “smarter in meetings” and “have an abundance of energy.”

I remain seated in my parked car—thinking of what to say to the man who could have everything if he would just get out of his own head.

I’ve been in Tim’s position before—the gray hair got to my head, too, for a little while.

Literally, I figured out you can just die it black, but handling it figuratively that was much harder.

Here’s what I learned:

1. The game starts in your head (not on it).

Focusing on what you don’t have in comparison to others doesn’t serve you. It’s likely lowering your confidence, demeanor, and performance.

Because here’s the thing: your mind doesn’t know the difference between objective reality—what is true—and subjective reality—what you think is true.

This is where psychologists agree: the more importance you give to a thought and the longer you keep thinking about it, the more likely you are to believe it. And if you believe something, you are likely to back it up with words and actions.

Eventually, the story that started in your mind becomes your reality because it’s being reinforced by all of your thoughts, words, and actions.

In effect, you are creating the reality you’re living in and it all started with the sponsoring thought that you weren’t as worthy. For Tim, it’s that he’s somehow “less than” his colleagues because he doesn’t have an MBA and doesn’t have their savvy of the digital landscape in marketing.

What if, instead of focusing on your shortcomings, you started thinking about the edge you have? Your years of experience—like Tim’s two decades spent refining his marketing toolkit, the Rolodex of connections he’s built up, and all the successes he has achieved over the years.

These things are invaluable.

Check in with your thoughts as frequently as possible. “What is my predominant thought now—Is it serving me?”

You can then shift the conversation you’re having with yourself to focusing on what you can do, control, and have—these thoughts, too, will be backed up with words and actions. And the world around you is likely to start shifting in response.

2. Raise the bar to jump higher.

It’s easy to choose comfort over growth, as you get older. To believe you can ride the experience train into retirement. To be okay with letting life pass you by.

But when you choose to slow down, you are forgetting two critical truths:

1) You got to where you are by setting audacious goals, putting in the hours, and working hard, not standing still.

2) Every company, team, and marriage that has ever failed, failed because someone became complacent.

To get to the next level, you have to remember these lessons and channel yourself towards growth.

In each phase of life, there are opportunities to grow—physically, intellectually, and emotionally. You can always set bigger goals, raise your ambitions, and learn new skills.

And there’s a strategy and action plan to get your mojo back.

Think about how you can raise your ambitions, set some new goals in the areas you are deficient, and actively attack your shortcomings.

For Tim, he could take on learning about digital marketing with a vengeance by blocking time and resources to get prolific in this area—an area where he’s far less knowledgeable than his younger colleagues.

Or it may be related to other areas of his life. For example, raising his ambition for his personal wellness by hiring a personal trainer to improve his overall health, vibrancy, and vitality (an area where he also believes he’s lacking).

Audacious goals will get you moving towards action. And action creates momentum. And you know what… momentum is your mojo. Yeah, I said it.

3. It’s time to reveal your inner Yoda.

At this stage in your career, scalable success is about shifting your mindset: from a worker bee stuck on the ladder competing with everyone else to becoming a cheerleader and mentor to your younger colleagues.

This is how you build your legacy: become a role model. Reveal your inner Yoda. Find ways to contribute to others. Inspire your colleagues with your actions. Shift your focus from what you can get from others to what you can give to them.

Ask yourself—how can you mentor the youngsters in your organization? What can you offer in terms of support, advice, inspiration or training? Remember what your mentors did for you.

For Tim, this could look like helping his division’s newly minted MBAs broaden their industry perspective or challenging them towards bigger goals.

Shift the way you see yourself—from graying colleague to role model, and you’ll shift the way others perceive you, too.

And with a more inspiring role, you’ll create a positive feedback loop that fuels your confidence, establishes a new sense of purpose, and expands your influence.

My hope is that Tim embraces this—giving feels good, does good, AND is often reciprocated with greater opportunities.

??????

That’s it. I’ve got it. I think I’m ready to talk to Tim.

But one thought lingers… it’s something I read in a book recently:

If the voice in your head telling you ‘how much you suck’ was a friend of yours would you keep him or her around? Would you put up with that bullying and trash talk?  

I’d like to think not. That voice is stealing everything good from Tim—his confidence, mental clarity, and ability to take positive action.

If he can JUST convert that voice, just flip it to a positive one, the case is closed: the next (even bigger) opportunity is as good as his.

The same goes for you too, if you are challenged with tackling ageism in your career.

About the Author

Andrew Srinarayan is Certified High Performance Coach & Business Growth Strategist who helps executives, professionals and entrepreneurs who are feeling stuck in their work and/or personal lives (and are frustrated with their inability to go to their next level), implement advanced strategies and habits to reach their next levels of growth and abundant success (while avoiding burnout and false obligations). He brings humor, compassion, and a healthy dose of forward momentum to every interaction. Click here to learn more about Andrew.