Don't Label Me

Irshad Manji (2019). Don’t label me: An incredible conversation for divided times. St. Martin’s Press.

xii humanity … so many of us show so little of it

xii To achieve justice, devotees of justice must change ourselves

xii nobody owns the entire truth. More often than not, labels eclipse truth

xiii ego, the most pervasive and pernicious power there is

xiii martial arts. At the heart of it lies the practice of respect

xiv our dear leaders won’t stop gaming us until we stop gaming each other

4 dogs have no long-term memory

5 The paradox is, to do diversity honestly, we can’t be labeling all of diversity’s critics as bigots

6 labeling drains diversity of its unifying potential

8 America … a generation from now, white people as a whole will be a minority like everyone else

9 the current backlash against women and minorities

11 Shaming’s a surefire way to alienate the growing legion of Americans who are politically homeless and poised to sway elections

12 Lilliana Mason … “We act like we disagree more than we actually do.”

13 buy-in requires respect

14-15 “Respect” comes from the Latin to see someone in a new light. To be curious about that person’s experiences and to spend time finding out about them

15-16 Being respectable is an express ticket to becoming inauthentic. Being respectful, on the other hand, spreads the authenticity

16 one anecdote about one person in one milieu proves nothing

17 Arthur Brooks … “Anger says, ‘I care about you.’ Contempt says, ‘You’re worthless.’” Without worth, you’re invisible – the worst of all fates … Yuval Noah Harari

17 humiliation’s a more intense emotion than happiness … than anger … shame

17 political correctness dishes out a double-dose of humiliation

18 labels distort

19 have an informed viewpoint about what others are doing

20 facts alone don’t add up to truth … Brooke Gladstone … people interpret facts through their biases

22 Bruce Lee … “Be like water”

23 A win-lose outlook produces a lose-lose outcome

23 clear space for diversity’s skeptics, then diversity will be consistent. It’ll have integrity

24 Bruce Lee … Black Belt Magazine … “truth exists outside all molds.”

25 humans are social animals who yearn for belonging

25 Another core proposition in Islam is that God’s gender-neutral

25 “Beware of confining yourself to a particular belief and denying all else,” the thirteenth-century philosopher Ibn Arabi cautioned, “for much good would elude you … “

25 Culture is the collective habits of a group

29 “You meet one Jesuit, you meet one Jesuit,” jokes Father James Martin

32 [Brie] Loskota … “Love that’s reserved only for people who agree with you isn’t love. It’s narcissism.”

32 Unity isn’t uniformity

34 Victor Tan Chen … grace “is about refusing to divide the world into camps of the deserving and undeserving.”

35 The win-win way – honest diversity … avoids humiliating others

36 Only relationships can guarantee real inclusion

36 View labels as starting points, not as finish lines

39 Zadie Smith … we’re all “internally plural.”

40 listening didn’t translate into losing. It generated trust

40 New York, Los Angeles, and Toronto – three of the most diverse cities on earth

40 expose ourselves to uncomfortable points of view

40 display grace

47-48 Who we are, is God’s gift to us. Who we become is our gift to God

50 “Black” is itself a made-up category. Exactly one hundred years before the American Revolution, African slaves and European laborers, all exploited by landowners, rebelled together in the English settlement of Jamestown, Virginia. Over the next many decades, plantation bosses resorted to dividing and conquering.

    An Act Concerning Servants and Slaves, passed in 1705, legalized a hierarchy based on skin color

53 “motivated reasoning.”

54 “white fragility”

54 “cisgender” … retain the gender that you came into the world with

57 Humiliation can radicalize

57-58 Most people … are stupendously devoid of self-awareness

58 “confirmation bias”

59 every group selects its facts

60 “competitive victimhood”

60 Perceived humiliation has radicalized many voters to stand behind the world’s most manipulative politicians

61 the Trumps of our time lure people to pridefulness, not pride

64 Trump supporters. Equating them with Trump makes no sense

75 “what-about” reflex

76 What-aboutism solves exactly nothing

77 There’s no single cause for any single act

79-80 If Jim pulls himself out of the Us-against-Them quagmire, it won’t be because I tore into him with verifiable facts. It’ll be because I loved him enough to wonder where he’s coming from, and because he trusted that my questions spring from a desire to challenge myself

96 there’s a difference between violating the status quo, which can be good, and violating human beings, which can’t be good

101 The more things and beings you own, the more you’re owned by them

101 Bruce Lee … You win when you don’t seek to win … quit legitimizing the win-lose game in your relationships … win-lose turns into lose-lose

102 There’s no need to forgive unless you assign blame

110 Purity contaminates diversity

110 many of us don’t want to be transformed; we want the other side to be

110 social justice

112 distinguishing between “childish” and “childlike.”

113 Black Lives Matter … BLM … Alicia Garza … “Our movements must include people not like us, people with whom we will never fully agree, and people with whom we have conflict.”

114 [Timothy] Snyder … A nationalist … “encourages us to be our worst, and then tells us we are the best.” In contrast, a patriot “wants the nation to live up to its ideals, which means asking us to be our best selves.” 

114 Can you honestly fix your society without first fixing yourselves?

116 defense mechanisms

116 I diluted more physical and mental energy by ducking change than by making change

117 the politics of identity … devastate democracy

118 cultivating long-term relationships with those outside my (not that) safe exclusive community, understanding that I will learn so much more from them

119 Often, as members of a pack, we’re pushed to choose which matters more – identity or integrity. It’s a lose-lose game

120 The brain rewards humans with a chemical high every time we mimic the opinions that drew us to our tribe in the first place

120 integrity. This word stems from the Latin for wholeness

121 Any of us could be wrong

121 the United States suffers an immense shortage of black teachers

121 The unforeseen happens regardless of how much you believe you control

123 Humans have a terrible track record of learning despite being taught

124 The Qur’an teaches that “God does not change the condition of a people until they change what is inside themselves.”

129 Nationalism is its own kind of political correctness

130 We’re biologically coded to form tribes and culturally conditioned to be deformed by them … social media magnifies our tribal tendencies

133 A being is “a net of interactions,” … Carlo Rovelli

133 Honest diversity is about becoming many-sighted

136 everyone’s a puzzle whose pieces shift with time and experience

138 To paraphrase … Karl Weick, she speaks as if she’s right but she listens as if she’s wrong

139 A person of faith but not of dogma

140 If you’re unwilling to listen to someone’s point of view or empathize with where they’re coming from, you’re not really adding anything new to the table

147 Listening – for a change

148 We’re forgetting how to talk to people unlike us

150 online, rationality goes bye-bye … social media releases the maniacs in us … those maniacs reside in us, not outside of us. And in us, not in our devices

151 People give up on individual relationships, which require nuisances like paying attention

151 what humans are giving into is our own dehumanization

151 let’s get a charmingly analog life to complement our digital existence

152 Delight in your digital platforms! Just don’t sedate your mind when you use them

154 disagreement on its own doesn’t equal hate

155 Spark conversations that would otherwise be sermons

156 If I put up with only the speech that I already agree with, then I’m not exercising freedom of speech, am I? I’m practicing discrimination – exclusion based on my preexisting biases

157 “listening to” doesn’t have to mean “agreeing with.”

157 Give everybody a chance to demonstrate respect

158 The internet doesn’t do trust … More accurately, human beings don’t do trust on the internet

164 a crisis of time doesn’t exist. But a crisis of trust does. … Van Jones … “Nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care.” … Caring needs time

166 But should we take offense? Right away, I mean?

167 honest diversity needs diverse forms of advocacy … grassroots diplomacy

168 we glory in our blind spots … On its own, protesting doesn’t transform a soul

168 Katherine Cramer … “People are only going to absorb facts when they’re communicated from a source that they respect, from a source who they perceive has respect for them.”

169 danah boyd … social change relies on the quality of personal relationships … What makes people willing to hear difference is knowing and trusting people whose worldview differs from their own

169 distinction between religious dogma and personal faith

169 Lao Tzu … the best leader inspires people to believe they’ve led themselves

171 am I tolerating the intolerant? … Freedom flounders when we give authoritarians carte blanche

172 Javier Corrales … if we do more confronting than conversing, we could be impelling more people to vote for Donald Trump … By all means take a firm stand, but “avoid emulating the president’s escalation tactic, so as not to validate the image that the president wants to portray …”

172-173 We chant … “Racist, sexist, antigay!” Richard Spencer, go away!” … Suppose we tweak our mantra … “Racist, sexist, antigay! Richard Spencer, have your say!”

174 Everyone has a back story

175 neo-Nazis … to invite conversation is to undermine their normal by broadening “us.”

176 QueerTelevision broadcast … “People can say what they want about queers and homos and whatnot … but I’ve never, ever, ever been woken up on a Saturday morning with a group of homos knocking on my door, asking me to join their church.”

176 more of us trusting our friends to be there when our haters go on the offensive

176 Sometimes, it takes ugliness to rouse beauty from its slumber

177 humans are maestros of self-deception. When we’re convinced that we’ve done our best to create trust with our adversaries, the odds are that we’ve done very little

177 Lions who identify as innocent lambs roam everywhere … Such people are in the fight not to resolve it but to prolong it

178 safe spaces … safe – not from intellectual challenges but from immediate judgements … “psychological safety.”

   Google … self-censorship fades

179 “microaggressions”

180 “It’s cool to be offended.” … Unfollow the fad of taking offence as an avenue to power

182 “ego centric bias.” 

184 James Baldwin asked white folks why they need to invent the “nigger.”

185 “Not everything that is faced can be changed,” said James Baldwin, “but nothing can be changed until it is faced.”

185 Be mindful … And pack a dose of humility

189 Two elephants … “Power” … “Privilege.” …

    Power is the capacity to set expectations about what should be and to translate those expectations into what will be

191 when an underdog fully cooperates with a skewed system, there’s no guarantee that she’ll be treated as an individual

194 Listen with the intent to understand, not to win

195 I can be monumentally privileged at the same time as I’m momentarily powerless … As I fight the system in which I live, am I ignoring the system that lives in me?

197 treat white students as individuals, not as avatars of racism

198 the cultural capital to direct what inclusion looks like on the ground … Cultures don’t make decisions. People do

198 by first becoming the captains of our egobrains

198 “relational leadership”

198 focus not only on what’s owed in the name of justice, but what you owe the wider public in order to improve the likelihood of receiving what’s owed

203 the power of relationships in the actual world

203 white male privilege as a positive

212 who cares that he’s right? Nobody wants to agree with a prick

213 Multiculturalism … undermines honest diversity

214 labels … represent groups, not individuals, and groups are where complexity goes to die … humans are packies … Humans … are groupies

215 Cass Sunstein … “the law of group polarization.”

215 We can grow secure in having a nuanced identity. Instead, most of us let our egobrains shelter us from growth. It’s a lot less work to know what we’re not than to know all that we are

215 Culture’s all about the habits and customs of communities … By its very nature, then, multiculturalism appeals to the groupish instincts in people … tribalism

217 If I don’t have a vision for my life, someone else will have an agenda for it

217 Canada … multiculturalism … The national government adopted it as policy – a first for any country anywhere

218 group honor, turns individuals into the property of their families, their tribes, and their nations … Group honor’s a blight on individuality and therefore diversity, yet multiculturalism tolerates it

219 Pierre Trudeau … championed “individual freedom of choice.”

222 When we hear voices from inside our groups over and over and over again, most of us don’t get bored; we get more extreme

222 “If a nation aims to prevent terrorist activity,” writes Cass Sunstein, “a good strategy is to prevent the rise of enclaves of like-minded people.” He refers to this as the “simplest and most important lesson for law and policy.”

226 the difference between individuality and individualism … between Trudeau and Trump

227  1784 … Canada became the site of the first reported race riot in North America

227 Canada doesn’t have nationally accepted myths … It’s largely ashamed of the bad in its history and typically torn about the good

228 I vote for a squarely American alternative – pluralism

230 the Statue of Liberty … originated in … Egypt … an Arab woman holding high the torch of progress at the entrance of the Suez Canal … funding dried up and … the fine lady eventually wound up in New York Harbor

235 I chose courage over fear

235 Charles Darwin … change happens

235 We need to rethink courage. It’s not just standing up for ourselves. It’s first about standing up to ourselves

237 courage entails sacrifice. It requires giving up some of our emotional comfort, lest we end up exchanging one dogma for another

238 [Payam] Akhavan … We say the right things, but we fail to act on them because we want to feel virtuous without paying a price

238 let’s offend ourselves

239 To offend myself is to acknowledge, upfront and out loud, that someone who profoundly disagrees with me has at least a kernel of wisdom that I can grow from

240 On issues that polarize … heartfelt humility goes a long, long way

241 criticisms can be useful in honing us as communicators

241 Unless we transform trauma, we’ll transmit it … Richard Rohr

241 make grace our first response to disagreement

242 humans have agency

242 resolve to communicate in a way that at least some of your detractors can relate to

242 cultivate grace – the highest form of courage

242-243 1273 … St. Thomas Aquinas … delivered the Summa Theologica, a guide for living with grace … courage … “a disposition of the soul to stand firm with what is in accord with reason amid sundry assaults of passion or the hardships of practice.”

245 By staying consummately courteous, Adam accrued power

246 Clay Routledge … “fear causes people to privilege psychological safety over liberty.”

251 “moral courage” – doing the right thing despite your fears

251 it’s human to care about your reputation. What’s paralyzing is to care too much

251 If the Other doesn’t feel heard, eventually he’ll feel humiliated

252 To last over the long term, social change has to start with difficult dialogues

252 For Genesis, moral courage takes two forms …

    First, she actively acknowledges that she won’t be right all the time …

    Second, Genesis makes it a personal project to treat people as multifaceted. Or try to

253 It’s a classy call to offend ourselves – patiently

255 urge curiosity

256 “Tell me what I’m missing,”

262 Brené Brown … to develop trust in a relationship, don’t just stand ready to help; proactively ask for help

262 POOP time … “Perspective On Other People.” Roi Ben-Yehuda … set aside one hour a week to help

265 If you don’t believe in God, it’s perfectly alright as long as you bring a scientific skepticism to your disbelief, which is to accept that you might be wrong

266 Charles Darwin … correlation is not causation

268 labels are good for jars but not much else

269 CCRAP … “Consumer-Centric Reactions Accelerated Pronto.” … one-click culture

273 Cornel West … place more value on being factually correct than politically correct

277 In America, elite education is all business

277 cultivate the moral courage to replace transactions with relationships

279 Scott Mercier … the only cyclist on the U.S. men’s Tour de France team who refused to dope … draw on your moral courage and break out of the group

280-286 1) Self-Evaluate. Habitually …

Values and principles? Are they choices I’ve made for myself? …

2) Defy the man for one hour a week …

Of the 10,080 minutes that make up a week, set aside at least sixty to be face-to-face and in alert discussion with your Other. …

be device-defiant rather than compliant …

3) … “Could you help me understand what I’m missing about your perspective?” …

4) Listen to understand, not to win. To listen doesn’t oblige you to agree …

5) Ask more questions based on what you’ve heard …

6) Express your gratitude with tone and body language, too.

    Research shows that people will forget most of what you said, but they’ll never forget how you made them feel …

7) When dealing with your Other, don’t berate. Relate. 

    You don’t own the full truth. None of us does …

8) Take a breath or three …

9) Be open to changing your mind …

10) Be cool with non-closure …

11) Walk away if you must, but not prematurely …

289-290 three conclusions that shape our teaching. 

    First, kids deserve to learn about the neuroscience behind their egos …

    Second, … shame will squash courage – not least the courage to be curious …

    Third … to teach moral courage is in fact to coach it