Don't know what to say? Neither do I, but I'm saying something anyway.

Full disclosure, this post is way too long. That said, I’m not concerned with you reading it all. It’s a selfish post. It’s mostly for me. It’s a commitment I’m making to myself and posting it publicly will help hold me accountable, regardless of how many people read this full post.

Have you ever had a friend lose someone dear to them and you didn’t know what to say? I’ve felt that before and if I’m being honest and vulnerable, I’ve felt that these past couple of weeks. I see people that I love and care for that are truly hurting and sometimes I just don’t know what to say or what to do.

That said, despite not knowing what to say, I’m going to try to say something because I’ve learned that being silent sometimes hurts worse than saying the wrong thing. What I hope to express is the thing that helped me the most when I hurt the worst. The 17th of this month marks 3 years since we lost my Dad and the most helpful actions have been the expressions of love for me and for my Dad. Thank you to all who have done that for me.

To all of my black friends, colleagues, neighbors, brothers, and sisters, I love you. I’m so grateful to have you all in my life and I’m so sorry for the pain, injustice, abuse, discrimination, and outright racism that you have been subjected to for far, far too long. I will NEVER fully understand how it feels to walk in your shoes. That said, if these past two weeks have taught me anything, it’s that I’m not doing enough. I need to be better and I’m committing to you and to everyone who reads this that I will be better.

What I’ve realized is that allyship is like leadership. It’s a title that is earned, not claimed. I’m an aspiring ally and an aspiring leader. I only become those things when others tell me that I’m an ally or a leader to them.

Here are four things I’m doing now and that I plan to do for the rest of my life as I aspire to become a better ally and leader:

1: Learn

2: Listen

3: Reflect

4: Act

Learn: “Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world.” --Nelson Mandela

The more I learn about the thoughts, feelings, and perspectives that many of our black friends are experiencing right now, the more I realize how much I don’t know. I’ve become so interested in better understanding these perspectives over the past couple weeks that I’ve had trouble focusing on much else. I’ve read articles, listened to podcasts, watched video clips, and consumed as much as I possibly could about how the events of the past couple of weeks, coupled with the events of the past several centuries have impacted the lives and perspectives of so many wonderful people. I’ll never be done learning about this topic and no matter how much I learn, I’ll never truly understand. That said, it’s my responsibility as a human to learn all that I can about ALL of the members of my family. I commit to lifelong learning on the topics of racism, inclusion, and love. Below I’ve included a litany of resources that can help us become better allies. I’m also excited to share this Learning Path that LinkedIn Learning has made free for everyone.

Listen: “One of the most sincere forms of respect is actually listening to what another has to say.” --Bryant McGill

I’ve learned a great deal from listening to my friends as they’ve described some of the challenges they’re facing right now. The most important thing I’ve learned is that every person is different. While there are similarities, nobody is feeling the exact same way right now because nobody has had the exact same set of circumstances in their life that led up to the events of these past two weeks. Some of the feelings that have been expressed have been anger, frustration, helplessness, grief, loneliness, sadness, hope, faith, and love. It’s okay to feel different and it’s important for me to listen to individuals without judgement, in an effort so seek first to understand.

One other important thing I’ve learned is that not everyone is ready to talk and not everyone wants to talk with ME. Allyship is earned, not claimed. As we strive to listen and learn, we must not place the burden of instruction on those who are suffering. If we’ve properly spent our time learning, listening, and acting, our friends will come to us in times of need. I aspire to be that kind of ally to all my friends, regardless of race, religion, gender, sexual orientation, or any other experience that makes them beautifully different than me.

Reflect: “Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.” – Aristotle

As I move along the path of allyship and continue to learn and listen, it’s important for me to take some time to reflect on how I’m acting. Are there things I’ve said or done that have explicitly or implicitly hurt or offended others? Have I been silent when I should have spoken out? Have I reached out to those who need my help? Am I advocating for policies and political leaders that support equality and justice for ALL? Am I supporting organizations that are aiming to bring people and our great nation together? What more can I be doing? Am I teaching my children about racism and teaching them to stand for what’s right, no matter what?

Act: “People may doubt what you say, but they will believe what you do.” –Lewis Cass

All of the learning, listening, and reflecting in the world won’t make a difference unless I (and we) take some action. So here’s where I’ll start, and as I learn more, I’ll add more to this list.

• I will teach my children about the horrors of racism and injustice. On Sunday, I had my first conversation about racism with our 2,4,6, and 8 year-old kids. It was very confusing for them. My 8 year-old, who is one of three white kids in his NYC public school class said something along the lines of, “I thought slavery ended a long time ago. Why would anyone be mean to someone because of the color of their skin? Luiz is one of my best friends and his skin is way darker than mine.” Why can’t we all see the world as children see it? Here are some resources to teach kids about racism.
• I will proactively have conversations with my white family and friends about racism, discrimination, and unconscious bias. I’m ashamed to say that I’ve had more conversations about racism with my white family and friends in the past two weeks than I have in, maybe my entire life. It’s just not something we’ve ever talked about, but that has changed and will continue to change. Not talking about problems doesn’t help them go away. We can’t stand idly by and assume that other people will fix this. If we see racism, we need to say racism and we especially need to say it to people who look like us because there’s a good chance they’re not seeing it.
• I will support (financially and with my time) organizations and businesses that strive to promote equality and create opportunities for underrepresented minorities. I’m an active supporter of GOSO (Getting Out and Staying Out), an amazing organization based in NYC that empowers young men to avoid involvement in the criminal justice system.
• I will strive to choose love in all that I do. I will express gratitude to my black and brown friends who continue to carry the torch of equality and justice. I will express gratitude to police officers who choose to put their lives on the line to serve and protect us. I will focus on Diversity, Inclusion, AND Belonging in the way that I hire, lead, and serve my team. I will not be perfect, but I will be humble and will ask that others help lead me, guide me, and walk beside me as I embark on this important journey.

Thank you to my mom and my wife, for reading this whole post. I figured they'd be the only ones who could get through the whole thing.

As promised, here are some resources that I have found valuable as I strive to learn more about what I can and should be doing to make the world a better place for all of our brothers and sisters.

Donna Alexander wrote one of the best posts I’ve read about how many black people are feeling right now and what people can do to educate themselves and help right now……and always.

Trevor Noah does a masterful job explaining the domino effect that has led us to the situation we’re in right now.

Kwesi Graves created a brilliant framework for checking in with colleagues during these difficult times.

This piece in the LA Times talks about what white people should do and should not do to help right now.

This Washington Post piece explains how black parents teach their kids to watch out for white people like Amy Cooper.

Spencer Cox (Lt. Governor of Utah) talks about how he began to understand the perspective of black people in America when someone compared it to some of the oppression that his ancestors experienced.

Just Mercy is one of the best books I’ve read all year. It’s heartbreaking, inspiring, and eye opening. Bryan Stevenson is the inspiring author and the inspiration of the Michael B. Jordan Movie with the same title. Here’s an interview Bryan Stevenson gave about the current situation.

This Guide to Allyship is a great Allyship 101 guide about how aspiring allies like me can come closer to their goal of become true allies.

For those who work for LinkedIn, please check out go/allyship for a TON of amazing resources that I’m just beginning to unpack. For those who don’t, try Google or Bing, you’ll find some good stuff there.