Don't Ignore the Check Engine Light

I was driving with the check engine light on. I knew there was a problem, I could feel it, but I spent all my energy completely and totally ignoring it; like for YEARS. Not only was my check engine light flashing, but my physical body was also malfunctioning, and despite how hard I stepped on the gas pedal, all I could do was sputter until it came to an unavoidable stop in December of 2021.

Some may have noticed I have been a little absent here, others maybe not and that's okay but for those who have and are reaching out…. I wanted to update you all on where I have been and what has happened.

?For years I've been celebrated as an energizer bunny of sorts; always on the go, always doing a million and one things. Society ???????????????? celebrates this.

Comments like:

“???? ?????? ???????? ???????????”

“???? ?????????? ???????????????? ?????? ??????'?? ?????” ?(?????? ???????????? ???? ???????? ???????????????? ???? ?????? ??????, ???? ??????. ??????????'?? ?? ?????? ???? ???????????? ?? ??????'?? ????. ???????? ?????? ???? ??????????????, ??????'?? ?????????? ???? ???????? ???? ?????????? 10 ?????????? ????????.)

?Other statements like “?????? ???? ?????? ???????? ?????? ???????? ???? ?????? ???????? ?????? ?????????”?

I “DO” a lot of things. I work full time supporting customers and clients, I work part time as a professor, I am writing and publishing a book, I bake and donate cupcakes etc. etc. etc.

?For years, I wore those badges like an Olympian wore gold medal ??, proud, celebrated, feeling seen and productive. Those comments and questions people said to me gave me the false belief I was doing all the right things.

?The reality was, unbeknownst to me, those badges weigh A LOT when you wear them and never put them down.?

See, I have high functioning anxiety and I am NO LONGER afraid to say it out loud. Somehow putting a name to the face of what I deal with daily allows me to give credence to what I see and what I felt for years. For those of us with high functioning anxiety, society actually betrays us. Those comments, those praises and accolades highlight the real fact that we are literally driving ?? 90 miles an hour with our check engine light on heading for disaster.?

Comments by well-intentioned individuals designed to celebrate what we all do actually perpetuate the problem. What we really need are reminders, permission to slow down. We need a society that accepts and allows us to stop, pause and breath. ?? In a society hard wired to celebrate perpetual movement you can clearly see how this is a significant problem. Layer on to this societal norm add stress, difficult work and often toxic workplaces, a sustained global pandemic, disruptions to our lives and you can quite literally have a recipe for disaster. It's a tsunami of a size and scale that will hit you and take out the very fabric of your life.

My tsunami hit in December 2021. In a moment of need, a seemingly small moment of crisis when I needed to show up for my son, my body, my brain short circuited and failed me. As a mom with high functioning anxiety and a son who is a wrestler, watching these meets and tournaments always has me on high alert but on this particular day things were different.

My check engine light had been ignored for far too long; months of stress, lack of sleep, and unmanaged anxiety fueled a tsunami and there was no way out for me. There I was on the sidelines, watching a difficult match, a match where my son got hurt. He got the wind knocked out of him and I watched helpless as his body went limp and he lost consciousness. In a millisecond, I snapped, yelling profanities at his opponent; a child mind you, yelling at the referee, yelling at the opponents father – literally loosing my parental mind.?

In that moment another mom saw what was happening. She saw me unraveling and came to my aid. She simply put her hand on my shoulders and said calmly and sincerely with empathy:

?“????’?? ????. ????’?? ?????????? ???? ???? ????. ?????? ?????? ????”.

That's simple act of kindness the simple touch on my shoulder instantly short circuited what was happening, and I rejoined the world of sanity. (???????? ????????, ???? ?????? ?????? ???? ????????, ????????. ?????? ???????? ?????? ???? ????????, ?????? ?????????? ?? ???????????? ???? ??????????, ???? ?????????????????????? ??????????????. ???? ?????????????????? ?????? ?????????? ?????? ???????????? ?????? ???????????????? ?????? 42 ?????????????? ????????. ???????????? ?????? ?? ???????? ???????? ???????????????? ?????? ???? ????????, ???????????????? ?????? ???????????? ?? ???????????? ???? ?????????? ???????????? ???????? ???????????? ????????????, ???????????????? ?????? ??????????????????, ?????????????? ?????? ???????? ???? ?????? ?? ???????? ???????????? ?? ???????????? ?????????? ???????? ???? ???? ??????????????. ????'?? ?????????????? ?????? ???????? ???????????????? ?????? ???????????? ?????? ????????????????. ???? ??????????????, ????'???? ?????? ?????????? ?????? ????????. ???? ?????? ???????????????? ???? ???? ?????? ????????????????, ?????? ????????????????????, ?????? ???????? ?????? ?????????? ???????????????? ???? ???????? ????'?? ???????? ??????????, ???????????????? ?????? ???????????????? ?????? ???????? ?????? ???????????? ???? ??????????. ???? ???? ?? ???????????????? ???????????? ?????? ?????? ???????? ?????????????? ???? ????????).?

I got in my car, and I stared out the window wondering what the hell happened. In a moment of crisis, I'm who you want on your team. I’m hard wired to stay calm in a crisis, 47 years of trauma taught me how to do that. I have always been the rational one, with a dozen remediation plans on the ready to solution my way out of any problem. But on this day, my tank was literally empty. My engine had seized there was no more solutioning my way out of this. The stress of a 15 year aggressive career and academic climb, the stress of work, the stress of a pandemic with no end in sight, left me unable to be the mom, the role model I needed to be, someone I was proud of. And in a moment when my son needed me the most I couldn't be there. I drove home realizing I couldn't do this anymore. I couldn't ignore the check engine light. I couldn't do minor maintenance so that I could push through.

?????????. ?? ???????????? ???? ???????????? ?????? ???????????? ?? ???????????????? ?????? ?????????? ????????????????.

How do you do that though? How do you stop, pause and rebuild when both personal and professional societal norms are designed to celebrate movement, not pause?

Like the mom who's very touch short circuited my system at the match, I needed to short circuit my life. I decided to forcefully take pause to step away from the things that caused me horrific anxiety and stress so that I could recalibrate my priorities and my nervous system. I hit the proverbial pause button so I can heal the physical damage driving my car with the check engine light on for years did to my body.

?I painfully yet intentionally hit that pause button and I surrounded myself with friends, family, ?peers and colleagues as well as a team of medical professionals to support something so alien to my DNA …. a pause button.

?Six weeks ago I had no idea what happened. Six weeks ago I didn't realize how damaging it was to keep pushing when your car's check engine light is on. Six weeks ago I didn't realize the power breathing had on recalibrating the nervous system.

I am genetically wired to go it is the very fabric of who I am but I am learning that equally as powerful and necessary is a pause button. Equally as powerful is saying I am not okay, admitting that I am struggling and I am taking time to recalibrate my priorities is actually a strength of character NOT a weakness and should be celebrated.

?I am doing the work so that I can show up for those that matter; my family, my kids, my friends, peers, students, customers and clients as the best holistic version of myself that I can be. Someone I can look at in the mirror and be proud of.

?I have a long way to go. I have much to learn, much to teach and much to share. But for now, I am enjoying this pause button and taking the time for the first time in my entire life to recalibrate my priorities and my nervous system and I am a much more refined and clearer version of the person I was just 6 short weeks ago.

I will leave you with a few lessons however that I have learned in these last 6 weeks.

1.???Burnout is a real horrific and damaging thing. Do not underestimate the effect it has on the human mind, body and soul.

2.???Use Caution when saying things society thinks it should celebrate: Saying things like “do you sleep” or “its amazing how your always on” to someone may actually cause more harm than good.

3.???Celebrate taking Pause, Celebrate Breathing. Build a culture that understands the importance of NOT always be on.

4.???Release judgement. Do not be afraid of being judged for voicing your needs for standing firm in what is necessary.

5.???Check on your people, your tribe. You never know when one seemingly simple act of kindness may recalibrate someone who is spiraling and in desperate need.

6.???Breath. Not the unconscious kind of breath designed to keep your car's motor running, the kind of intentional breath designed to remind us that there is more to who and what we are than an arbitrary deliverable.

7.???Sleep. The healing glorious power of sleep is quite literally the most magical life elixir. Just ask any new sleep deprived parent.

8.???Touch. Do not underestimate the power of physical touch. A hug, a fist bump anything like that can sometimes be the only thing to remind us of who and where we are. It can often be what saves a person.

9.???Fuel. Fill your engine with the kinds of food designed to nourish yourself not just get us from point A to point B.

10.?MOST IMPORTANT LESSON I HAVE LEARNED: Take time each and every day to BE in nature. Breath the air (even frigid), Feel the feels, hear the sounds, it will ?????????????????? ???????????? ???????? ????????.?

I can't wait to see what the next 6 weeks brings but I will for sure tell you it will include permission to pause and breath.