Don't Get Mad, Get Smart

Emotional “triggers” are any topics/situations that make you feel uncomfortable and, unless you’re good at recognising them, they cause an instant reaction which hijacks your brain, your thinking and your behaviour.

Unable to sleep because you're outraged at something you've seen on your newsfeed? Triggered. Replaying a conversation you've had with a family member and imaging what you should have said instead? Triggered. Plotting the downfall or a colleague at work who has besmirched your good character behind your back? Triggered.

In these Leadership Experiments we're exploring tools, hacks and tactics you can use in the work-place so our focus will be there - however you can use the exact same process to get smart not mad with your family, with your community and with the world. Let's dive in.

Imagine for a moment that...

• a colleague rolls his/her eyes during your presentation
• a member of your team is late for an important meeting again
• a client presentation goes horribly wrong because someone messed up the slides
• your CEO/Chairman shouts at you in a meeting
• you’re excluded from an important discussion
• you hear that someone has been criticising you behind your back
• a meeting gets derailed by a team member’s combative attitude

How do you react? Do you:

• fall into sullen silence
• practice a little passive-aggressive eye-rolling
• jump straight to righteous indignation
• bounce between self-justification and blame
• aggressively argue your point of view
• start ally-seeking on Slack/at the water-cooler

add your own uniquely unhelpful response here...

These responses give us momentary respite from the negative emotion we actually feel (typically something fear or shame-based). It’s more comfortable to blame someone else than think about the part we may have played in a situation. It’s more reassuring to seek an ally at the water cooler than think about how to have the brave/tough conversation that needs to be had. 

“Those who make conversations impossible, make escalation inevitable.” ― Stefan Molyneux

Other than providing brief emotional respite, however, these trigger responses play absolutely no useful purpose. They don’t help us learn from mistakes, understand root causes, find solutions, build bridges. They don’t help us understand another person’s point of view and they’re not great at helping others understand ours.

The process outlined below, on the other hand, is a tried and tested method for dealing helpfully with people and situations which irk you. Give it a go, it’s a kind of magic.

Leadership Experiment #38 of 52

Next time you’re triggered (see this article to identify your early warning systems) stop and think through this decision-making/solution-scoping tree.

Step 1 - Ask yourself if the triggering situation is one which:

A - You can accept fully and let go (without holding any resentment and without it having any long-term negative impact on your work, team, relationships, mental health).

B - You need to address/change (knowing that the only things you can actually change in any situation are your own thoughts, words and deeds)

If you feel that neither A nor B is possible you actually only have one more rational choice:

C - Walk away

Option D e.g. accept it resentfully while complaining to all who will listen and doing nothing about it, doesn’t work. It also makes you a right pain in the arse to be around/work with so don’t bother.

Step 2 - If you've picked option B...

Pause. Get out of the emotion before you try to solve the problem. Wait a day or so if you can until you are in control of your emotions again.

Step 3 - Typically your response will need to include some kind of conversation or communication to the individual or about the situation that triggered you. Before you start framing your conversation/communication ask yourself:

• What do I want the outcome to be here?
• What do I need to communicate to make that more likely?
• How do I need to communicate to make that more likely?

Step 4 - Craft your communication, remembering it's helpful to:

• Talk about your emotion, not from the emotion e.g. keep a neutral, calm tone
• Use non-accusatory language and focus on your experience not your judgement of the other person's behaviour
• Aim for communication that is constructive not blaming, future not past focussed and solution not problem-oriented

For example:

Tearfully bewailing someone with a “YOU are SO rude and you’re ALWAYS rolling your eyes at me in meetings” - nope.

“When you roll your eyes during my presentations I feel upset. I’d like us to build a relationship based on mutual understanding and respect, and am asking you to refrain from doing that again” - yep.