Don't Ever Fight Back the Tears

With National Suicide Prevention Month halfway gone, I wanted to share with you my words which I originally shared one week ago at the Candlelight Vigil at the National Shrine of Our Lady of the Snows. Once again, it was a beautiful event with so many great people who have been impacted by suicide one way or another. Below is the transcript..

Good evening. My name is Chris Allard and I’m proud to have my dad, Jon Allard Sr. here with me…as well as several friends who are like family to me. And we joined THIS family on September 12, 2018 when our lives changed forever. My brother, Jon Allard Jr., who was my best friend in this world, made the decision that life was too painful to continue. For most of us, that’s inconceivable. But for too many, that is THEIR reality.

Right at 12:15 on that day, Jon walked through my front door just as Daniel Ponce de Leon threw the first pitch for an afternoon Cardinals game against the Pittsburgh Pirates. It was a strike. It’s funny the details you remember. I said “oh you’re home for a lunch break?” He said something along the lines of needing to get out of the salt mines for a bit. For the next 45 minutes we chatted about a variety of topics, none of them of significant importance…although in hindsight one of them was somewhat telling, but at that time I was oblivious to the signs.

Everything seemed normal and he even helped me with the sound on my TV…then walked to the other side of the house to give my mom a hug and he told her he loved her very much. Not exactly something he normally did, but again at that time we were all oblivious to the signs. But on his way back through my side of the house he said he was going to take a walk and get some fresh air before heading back to the grind.

An hour or so later I was surrounded by St. Clair County Sheriff's Deputies, Belleville Police Officers, Illinois State Police Officers, and too many other names and faces for me to even recall to this day. I knew what happened without them even telling me. The letter Jon specifically left for me asked me to do two things:

1.????Make sure his kids live good lives. And while they are living good lives, I have no doubt that the fundamentals were laid long before that moment.

2.????And secondly, raise the awareness about the signs of depression to help others avoid the same path.

Since then, I’ve been running a charitable organization called The Tenth Man in honor of Jon. The name is a reference to “Devil’s Advocate” or alternative voice which is a role Jon played at the State’s Attorney’s Office when he provided an alternative voice to the direction in which a case was going to be tried. Apparently being their main murder trial and heinous crime expert took a toll on him. What became apparent after Jon’s death was that he was the one who need a “Tenth Man”.

Therefore, the foundation mission is to provide an alternative voice to those who have started down the path toward suicide.?And we are grateful to be working alongside many of you here today…those of you who are here because you have a story similar to ours…you are here to grieve…you are here to heal…you are here to celebrate…and you are here to help.

In lieu of a traditional reading, I asked permission to read one of my own works for this event…so please indulge me for just a few more moments:

We find ourselves here for a common purpose.

And while the reason has caused a hole in our hearts,

The fact is we are here,

Mustering up the strength,

Honoring those to whom we said goodbye,

Missing them,

Likely wondering why?

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And whether it’s been a day, months, or even years,

We still fight back the tears.

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Yet there is a reason we are here.

Never to forget the life we had with those we lost.

A father, or mother,

Sister or a brother,

A daughter or a son,

A colleague or a friend.

Our grieving is never done.

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And because we knew not of their pain, nor of their fears,

We still fight back the tears.

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Yet throughout all the pain,

Something remarkable can happen.

We often see things differently,

Through a lens we have not seen before.

We see our lost loved one in every thing

And in every sound

Their voices quietly sing.

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And even though that dream can be music to our ears,

We still fight back the tears.

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So many questions may never be answered

Even though we seek those answers in God.

Why did this happen

When there was so much life yet to live?

So many emotions we continue to feel

Whether anger or sadness

It is God who will help us heal.

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So close your eyes, and when the image of your loved one appears,

Just remember, you don’t EVER have to fight back the tears.

Thank you and God Bless.

If you know someone in crisis, call the?National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (Lifeline)?at?1-800-273-TALK (8255),?or text the Crisis Text Line (text HELLO to 741741). Both services are free and available 24 hours a day, seven days a week. All calls are confidential.